I've been thinking a lot about being truthful because I've suddenly been hit by an urgent and unyeilding need to tell the truth all the time. This is a big thing for me because I rarely think twice about smiling through the pain and saying that everything is all right when it, in fact, could be much better. I take those dangling "How are things going?" fruits at work and instead of slicing those puppies open and eating them up, I put them in my basket until they rot and just have to get thrown away. Anything to avoid discord.
Now, we all know that "How are you?" or "How are things?" are usually prefunctory questions - lies about how much someone truly cares about someone else. And if that's truly the case, why ask in the first place? Or better yet, why don't we keep the questions but take it upon ourselves to care because we all need help in some way or another, and doesn't having someone who cares help out more than we can help ourselves by ourselves? I'd like to care more and careless less.
Just because I've been hit by this truth need doesn't mean I've magically been able to make myself fulfill it, which is so frustrating. It's become a reflex of mine to smile and say that everything's fine; my mouth moves faster than my mind at those moments and I tell myself to slow down every output and speed up the inputs in hopes of stopping the quiet lying. The steps I make are small but I keep taking them. If you ask me how I'm doing I won't load my burdens on you, but I will hopefully have the presence of mind to say that maybe I'm struggling today or share something with you that made me laugh instead of flashing you my stock photo smile and saying everything's just fine. Only that. My life isn't that quiet. Whose really is?
I want the world to be as clear as possible for Rado. Not mucked up with lies and artifice.