Today wasn't a good day. I was exhausted all day and somehow didn't have the taste for the coffee (something must have been really wrong with me) that rode along with me to work. When I got to work, I had to wait five hours before getting a break or my lunch (I am not pleasant when I'm hungry), which made every other little thing I encountered seem enormous and insurmountable. When I got 'Rado home from daycare, he was whiny and needy (I love you baby, but sometimes...). That carried on through the majority of our dinner out, where we were celebrating Z's brother's birthday. Finally, when we got home, Z left 30 minutes later to hang at his brother's man lodge (his big push to go was to show his visiting best friend the place, but I'm still bothered). There are so many things I could say to Z if he were here. But that's the thing - he's not. And when he is we're usually passed out on the couch, or he's practicing bass while I'm reading or watching tv, or we're otherwise not communicating well. It feels like the impetus to open the lines of communication are on me because, well, I always feel like everything is on me. If anything, that poking finger will get me to take the steps that Z may not even realize need to be taken. He better get home before I run out of steam, fall asleep, and end up forgetting about it in the morning and the whole vicious cycle starts again.
Marriage is work, but marriage with a child is even more so. It's not necessarily because taking care of a kid is so tiring, even though it is that. It's mainly because communicating clearly and spending time with each other becomes just another thing on the never-completed to-do list. I don't mean to trivialize those very important aspects of a good relationship, but communicating clearly and spending time (that doesn't involve eating or doing dishes) with someone whose schedule is sometimes the opposite of yours while still managing to find time for yourself is challenging. It's work, and sometimes it feels like we've done enough work for the day so some things get put off and put off and put off.
An unmarried friend recently asked me for relationship advice. Being almost seven years into my marriage, I realized that I don't really have a good perspective on a dating relationship anymore. In marriage, emotions are so much more raw and the fear of consequences so much less (as long as I can stay awake, that is). I also realized that I haven't given my emotions full credence lately. I think it's because it takes too much time and energy to sort through them all and determine which ones are frivolous and petty and which ones really mean something. It takes a lot of shaking to unstick a spider web, but I have my fingers pretty wound up in this one.
I'll end up sleeping on this web, but I'll do so happily listening to the sound of 'Rado breathing through the baby monitor. He is my ocean.