I'm still waiting for that motherly instinct thing to kick in. It's possible that it already has, but I'm just confusing it with my motherly neurosis. How can someone who was a little wobbly and self-conscious pre-baby be expected to be able to figure out how to take care of someone else completely? I'm guessing that insecurity will never go away, but I would never want it to if it meant that I wasn't a mom and that I didn't have 'Rado around.
This past week I've been fretful over him not downing his bottles like "usual," being fussy in the afternoons, and being rub-his-eyes-out tired when I pick him up from daycare. I get worked up over the same, mundane things - a change in routine. My patterns are hard to break. He would usually drink every last drop of formula at a feeding. He would normally be playful and cheery in the afternoons. He typically is good to go at least until 6:30 or 7:00 in the evening...Ok, I'm going to stop the self-loathing right now. Even I'm sick of hearing myself talk about it.
'Rad was soclose to forward crawling today. I swear he moved towards me a few steps, but then he ended up backing himself all the way to the edge of the carpet in such a smooth, quick, fluid motion that it looked like he was a little wooden car on a curved wooden track getting pushed backwards. And while he didn't bemoan the fact that he was moving farther away from the thing he wanted to get closer to, he still wasn't thrilled about the whole thing. I have my shrill "Go! Go! Go!" yell on deck for when he really starts crawling - in the traditional sense. We're ready for you, 'Rad.
In two days I'll be heading home to celebrate Mother's Day with Mama Bear and my sister, a mother three-times over. It feels like a momentous event, being a mother and all this year, and an occasion that puts me even deeper into the mothers' "club." Brunch on Sunday will no longer be just about stuffing my pie hole and making sure I get at least two servings of the smoked salmon. It will be about all of that AND making sure 'Rad is taken care of and happy. I'm going to earn that second serving of smoked fish, don't you doubt it.
What I've learned today: It's important to forgive myself over and over and over and over...endlessly.