Thursday, March 29, 2012

Up, Up, and Away

Do you remember how the protagonist in the Tell-Tale Heart heard the beating heart of his guilty conscience?  My conscience was playing similar tricks on me today.  Tomorrow I am leaving on an 8-day trip with my mom and sisters, a trip of a lifetime, but I'm stuck on how much I'm going to miss Z and Blue and the fact that I'm leaving Connor.  For 8 whole days.  For 8 times as long as the longest time I've ever been away from him.  I wouldn't say that it's guilt that I'm feeling as much as it is 1) my horrible luck with air travel and 2) the anxiety of being away from him for so long and not being in control of what he's doing when he's not at Amy's.  It's essentially my micromanaging nerve that's pulsing at the thought of leaving 'Rad's care in someone else's hands. That and the fact that I'm leaving my heart and flying to another continent for a little over a week.

Just 'cause

Back to my Tell-Tale Heart reference, it felt like today 'Rad understood what I've been telling him for the past few days - that I'll be gone but will see him again next Saturday.  Today he just wanted me to hold him and bounce him.  When I read him his bedtime story (which turned into three stories because I didn't want to put him to bed yet), he leaned back and watched me while I finished "The Going to Bed Book," practically ready to fall asleep in my arms.  He never does that.  He's usually crying because he's so tired and just wants to be put to bed, he's looking around the room, or he's trying to fit the book in his mouth.  I swear.  He knew.

I'm sure I'll cry when I say good-bye to Z and 'Rad at the airport tomorrow.  I've already teared up a few times just thinking about it.  But the camera has some pictures of him and Z on it, and my phone is chock full of pics of Blue Boy, so the digital version of my family will be with me in Rome and Florence.  Every time I think I've gone through the hardest thing in my life, something harder comes up.  I feel like leaving 'Rad, Z, and Blue is that harder thing for the moment.  But I'm already looking forward to our reunion and all of the stories I'll have to tell next Saturday.  Catch you then!

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