Sunday, January 08, 2012

Being a Train Wreck

This is pretty much a reiteration of what I told you yesterday, but yesterday I was playing on my Nook (love it, by the way!) and wanted to expand on it today:

As much as I say I don't want to be a slave to 'Rad's schedule, just as I don't want him to be a slave to it, we both kind of are.  Me because I live in fear of having a fussy-baby day or, god forbid, more than one in a row (I swear, I'm not scared of dust bunnies or R-rated movies, too), him because he's a baby and routines are the only thing telling him what time of day it is.  We may have some tough days here and there because of it, but it's really important to me that 'Rad grow flexible and adaptable.  This issue is still on my mind because my sister and her family visited us this weekend, and 'Rad's days were all sorts of off schedule and not typical.  But, Z and I don't plan on living a completely predictable, stay-at-home kind of life so I figure it's best to establish that with 'Rad now.  Hopefully that line of thinking doesn't come back to bite me in the ass one day.

Since I was hangin' with my sis and out of the house a lot of the weekend, Z got to spend a lot of QT with 'Rad, which is awesome.  However, within the past day and half, 'Rad has become hypertuned to Z's voice and presence and for the life of me won't look me in the eye when his dad is around.  Am I jealous of that?  Hmm...What do you expect?  I'm a super-needy mom.  I need lots of love and attention from my little guy because he's on my mind 99% of the day.

I'm cool with having him on my mind most of the time; I'm guessing that once you become a mom, that's just how life is.  But I hope that over time the thoughts I have of him aren't solely worries about ways I may be messing him up or if he's off schedule or why In spite of that, I have ridiculous wishes of not worrying about my baby.  But, I'm pretty sure I'll have plenty of worries about 'Rad long after Z and I suffer through Empty Nest syndrome.  Maybe it's better to work on being able to better deal with all of the worries I have and not let them paralyze me or make me more neurotic than I am.  There.  That seems much more reasonable.  I'd also like my super-needy-momminess to go away too, please.

Speaking of being neurotic, do you ever fear that your daycare provider knows how to take care of your child better than you do?  Amy doesn't ever seem to have troubles putting 'Rad-a-dude down for his daytime naps, but he's been fighting us on them this weekend.  Of course, the nighttime nap is still an issue.  Even if the dude is falling asleep in my arms, the moment I lay him down in his crib his little eyelids pull back like one of those freaky dolls sans freakiness.  As I type, we are on day 6 of sleep training - which I really only count as day 4 or maybe even day 1 again since he had vaccines thrown in there to throw him off - with 'Rad fighting his exhaustion.  I am optimistic that it's working, though.  I completely agree with everyone who says that the type of sleep training you do is dependent on your kid's personality as much as your own, and I think this will work for everyone.

Am I a complete train wreck?  Neurotic, needy, anxious, restless - I think 'Rad might have lost the mother lotto.  Or am I just a new mother?  I'm going 50/50 on this one right now.

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