Friday, December 02, 2011

Friday Beer

The exhaustion has set me back a bit.  I was feeling pretty good about being a mom and my ability to care for 'Rad, but with my mind being as tired as my body, I can't make good, solid decisions (which was always one of my weaknesses anyway) or stick to any of the ones that I finally settle on.  Frustration sets in when I realize that I've said one thing to someone that is the complete opposite of what I just said to someone else.  I'm pretty hard on myself, and with sleep deprivation taking a role in mucking things up, today has not been one of my better days.
My sentiments exactly

But it's Friday and beer with dinner sounds like a good way to take the edge off.  I'm still weary of alcohol since I'm such a breast-pumping freak, but sometimes it does a body good.

Earlier this week I finished Operating Instructions: A Journal of My Son's First Year by Anne Lamott and I absolutely fell in love with it and Ms. Lamott.  I admire her honesty and hope I am being just as honest with myself and all of you about how motherhood makes me feel both as a mom and as a person.  The situation she's in might not be the ideal, but through the entire book I was jealous of the incredible support system constantly flowing in and out of her apartment.  Her mom, her friends, the various people she called "aunt" and "uncle," they were not just a phone call away; they were just steps-out-of-her-door away.  I want that for myself and for 'Rad.

Z is an incredible support system, but he's still a guy and as such isn't able to really understand what I'm going through.  Being a mom has made the differences between men and women so much more poignant, and I'm not a "women do this/guys do that" type of person.  When it comes down to it, we are intrinsically different.  I'm not sure if I think we're born with those differences or if we're conditioned to uphold them, but we have to learn to live with them.  Having a baby provides a huge venue in which to practice tolerance and acceptance for all of these differences.  It's like being in a library in the dark; there's so much to learn and so much knowledge to gain, but when you try to read you can't really make out the words no much how you strain your eyes.  I have faith that my eyes will adjust, and I'll be able to start learning.

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