Wednesday, September 28, 2011

It's All Relative

Besides freaking out over if I'm spending too much or not enough time coddling and cooing over 'Rad and worrying if I'm talking too much or not enough to him, I think we've gotten ourselves into a pretty decent groove. As much of a groove as you can get into with a one-month old, anyway. We take our walk every morning with Blue then load up in the car for the day's excursion, which can be anything from going to the library to play group. The fear of him melting down when we're out has become manageable and besides the anxiety I get when thinking about breastfeeding in public, I'm gaining confidence in taking him out by myself. If only there were more places for us to go...

I love watching him sleep.  I also watch him to make sure he's still breathing.  Awwww, don't freak out (sung to the tune of "Le Freak" by Chic)!

While Connor and I have had a lot of time to start figuring each other out, Z hasn't had the luxury since heading back to work full time and attending school on top of that. There are a lot of new connections that need to be made since our family has been reconfigured - me:Connor, Z:Connor, me (as a mom/wife):Z (as a dad/hubby), and me:Z:Connor - and not much spare time and energy to form all of them. I'm looking forward to fostering the new connections, but it's the alteration to the original one (me:Z) that makes me anxious. Everything was so perfect between Z and I before Connor came along. I'm not saying that Connor has ruined anything, but he has changed everything and I wonder what things between Z and I will look like after we've reformed our relationship as hubby and wife, mom and dad. I'm sure it will look wonderful and strong, but I'm not sure what exact shape it will reemerge in.

I've been thinking about relationships a lot because I feel that many of the ones I have have been changing since C-rad entered the world:
  • My relationship to where we live has changed. I used to be in love with this area. Now I just see it as distance between us and the rest of my family.
  • My relationship to Z has changed. See above.
  • My relationship to my family has changed. I now feel like I've joined the motherhood club, and as a new member am now privy to more and longer phone conversations with everyone in my family regarding all things motherhood and child rearing.
  • My relationship to Blue dog has changed. I love you buddy, but you are now child number 2, no longer number 1.
  • My relationship to my hometown has changed. I see it as a kind of promised land now, a safe place harboring my parents, friends, and many of the people I love and miss.
Yes I'm 30, but I'm saying this: I want my mommy.

I still can't believe I'm this guy's mommy

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