Up and Go

Tonight I put Connor to bed by myself for the first time in a long time.  After going through our routine and laying him in his crib on his back, he quickly got up on his hands and knees.  For a split second I freaked; that usually means he wants to stand up in his crib and not sleep.  I picked him up, lay him on his back again, and he let me stretch his blanket between his legs and over his shoulder.  He nuzzled his blanket for a second, then quickly rolled onto his stomach again, only to rest quietly, ready for sleep.  It was a small change from how he went to bed last night, but it just seems like one more way that my baby is growing up.

He was such an entertainer at dinner tonight at Lolo and Lola's with the nieces.  After eating and eating and drinking and eating, he dropped his little booty like it was hot and even did a little softshoe-ing to my nieces' renditions of "Call Me Maybe" and "Firework."  Instead of being the whiny pill that he so often is when we visit my parents, he was smiling and walking and talking and just made me so happy.  I felt like the Connor that I tell my parents about was finally there for him in the flesh, being a goofball right in front of them.  

But he had a late night last night, and as 8 o'clock came and went I began to get antsy.  'Rad was still in good spirits, exploring and playing with the girls, but my mind is still so locked on having an unmovable routine that by 8:30 I was scooping him up, rushing him out the door, and surprising my mother at our quick exit in the process.  Of course I felt guilty about it.  We live down the street.  I could have put Connor down in the pack-and-play that's at the ready at my parents' house and hang out in the kitchen with my mom.  I could have let 'Rad hang out in the kitchen with us while I chopped vegetables or just kept her company.  I could have done a number of things other than what I did.  At this point, will it really mess 'Rad up that much to not put him to bed at 8:00 every night, especially on the weekends?  Is it him I'm worried about or is it really me?  It is me who needs the routine more than him?

I felt like I was starting to get my act together since moving, but the more I think about it the more I feel I'm unraveling.  Maybe that's just my issue, though.  I need to quit thinking about things more.  Or maybe I just need to think a tad more before I act.  I'm just looking for that spot where things become intuitive and stop feeling so forced.