I still can't believe that this is how it is. That we get home, go for a walk, and before I can say "It's almost time for 'Rad to eat" it's 7:00 pm and the little dude is smacking his lips. The evenings have been disappearing all week, Z's spring break week, and of course I feel guilty about not spending more one-on-one time with Connor. But really, I don't know where I'm supposed to find that time. Books and articles say the dishes can wait, the laundry can wait, cleaning the house can wait, and they do - they wait until after Connor goes to bed and I get a sense of satisfaction when they're cleaned, folded and put away, and picked up, respectively. It's work, the commute, and the morning and post-work hustle and bustle that I wish could wait - but they don't and I feel uncertain of what I did with my day when the dust finally settles.
I need to let go (again) of how I have my days planned out, of what I expect from every 24 hours, and what I expect from myself. It never pans out, but I continue to cling to the idea that I can control what happens during certain chunks of time. My main goal is to spend as much time with 'Rad as possible - everything else will fall into place. I claim to have my priorities right, and to a certain degree our lifestyles dictate how well we can honor our priorities, but I think focusing on those priorities will make the way I lead the rest of my life much simpler. Having priorities doesn't make things easy, though. How do I balance spending as much time as possible with Connor with spending time with Z? Hell if I know. I'm only 8 months into this thing and still figuring out how to carve out 30 minutes to go for a jog.