Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Connor has been awake much more lately than when we first brought him home.  It's true that things change quickly; when we first brought him home I was worried that he wasn't awake enough.  Now, I pray for those moments when he's content by himself in his rocker seat so I can step away and do an errand or go to a different room without worrying about him.  Initially, I was waking him every 3 hours to feed.  But, on the advice of a good friend and in the interest of seeing where his natural sleep cycles take him, we've decided to let him sleep when he wants and feed when he wants.  No more of this waking of the beastie to shove a nipple in his drowsy mouth while he fights and fidgets as he's waking up.  It seems to make so much sense when it's written down, and hopefully it will work better for everyone this way.  It's funny how letting someone be seems like a revelation when it's all that I ask of the world for myself.

Zach and I are heading back to Michigan tomorrow and I can't wait.  We've been tied to Wisconsin soil since the beginning of August and for us, more than a month without a trip out of state is a long time.  I'm looking forward to seeing my family and spending time with them, even though I know that when we leave I'll be a slobbering, sobbing mess, grabbing at the grass as I'm dragged back to Wisconsin.  Not only will we be leaving our families come Sunday, Zach will be heading back to work the next day.  The thought makes me a little teary.  Go ahead, call me a wimp.  I can handle it.

I wish he never had to go back to work and that we could just focus on becoming a family and raising our boy without the distractions of work and money making.  I realize that this isn't a unique wish.  Sometimes I feel like Peter from Office Space; I often think that if I could do anything in the world, I would do nothing and be completely happy with it.  I'm not lazy or unmotivated.  In fact, I can proudly say that I work my tail off when I'm working, but I find the most joy in various things outside of work and have yet to find a job that I can see myself becoming a "lifer" in.  I realize that this isn't a unique feeling, either.  I, of course, will continue on with my job once my maternity leave is over and adjust to life anew.

So far, I can say that motherhood, new motherhood, is still a strange, unfamiliar feeling.  Sure sure, Connor is only 14 days old, but you get so immersed in parenthood from day one that you'd expect to feel comfortable with it relatively soon.  But I realize that it's an ever-evolving state.  Parenthood is never the same thing from one day to the other since your child is always changing.  It's that instability that I need to adjust to.  I like things organized, I like to be prepared and to have my research done beforehand, but I think I'm going to have to learn to fly by the seat of my pants a little bit more.  I have a feeling there are going to be PLENTY of other things that I'm going to have to learn.

1 comment:

KristinG said...

Love you JoJo - enjoy the time with your family in Michigan and hope the beastie is practicing some smiles for you!! :)