Thursday, June 07, 2012

All About You

It's funny how, after the first few months of freaking out after bringing a newborn home, a few months of feeling like I'm getting the hang of things, then a few months of milestones and momentous occasions, I can still feel complacent.  Not complacent when it comes to 'Rad, but complacent when it comes to my own routine and life as me, not as mom.  I am still here, although I seem to have forgotten that lately.

So in an effort to reclaim my me-ness I strapped 'Rad into the stroller, leashed up the dog, and went for what I call a "jog" (if you're reading this out loud, air quotes around "jog" are required).  There were periods of walking mixed with periods of not walking on our clumsy 30 minute jaunt around the neighborhood.  We went downhill, we went uphill, we zigged, and we zagged (following a linear path with a dog leash in one had while pushing a stroller with the other is a surprisingly difficult feat).  Maybe I was hoping everyone would mysteriously stay indoors on this beautiful day so no one would be around to witness this baby calf moment of mine.  It could be that pieces of clothing and body parts were flopping and falling and bouncing as I made my way along the lake.  Doesn't matter, because I got out and did something good for myself that I'd been saying I was going to do for months.  I don't magically feel like the pre-baby me, I never will feel that way again, but I think this was a good step toward feeling like me period.

As simple as it sounds, it's very difficult to feel like "me" without any tags or baggage.  I can feel like me as a mom, me as an employee, me as a sister or me as a daughter.  But when's the last time you just felt like you?  That's it.  Just you.  It's a lifelong mission of mine and it will take that long to reach that goal.  How could it be otherwise when we change so much a people with age, with responsibility, and especially when children (heck, even dogs) come into our lives?  I say thank goodness for the changes - routine bores me.

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