We're going to visit my sister in Chicago this weekend and there's a corner of my mind that's worried about how 'Rad will do. He has proven himself a creature of habit, and if that habit cannot be maintained (i.e. usual nap times, a new environment) we often pay for it in the form of a fussy, sleep-resistant infant. Every overnight venture is an uncertain adventure since Connor is not to be pinned down. He's 5-months old for godssake, boy's gotta keep us guessing!
My mind won't settle down enough to let me write more than five coherent sentences. I've felt scattered, overdone, tired, wired, great, good, gawd awful, confused, conflicted, full of thanks, and thankless all in the past 48 hours. I have occasional moments (or, if I'm lucky, a full hour) of clarity and serenity, but then they get run over and smeared all over the road when self-doubt and uncertainty come barreling down the mental highway. Sometimes I'm not sure how to feel about things because with 'Rad in the picture the only clear priority is him and my family; how much does everything else matter? Do I really need to try as hard as I do for people to like me and to get along with everyone? I don't and I don't want to, but I'm having a hard time solidifying that in my mind and acting accordingly.
Now that I'm feeling more comfortable in my ability to care for 'Rad, the spotlight has turned on me and I'm definitely a deer in the headlights (I hate that analogy - so overused - but it's completely appropriate here), my thoughts scurrying undefined to the dark regions away from focused thinking. I used to scoff at the mothers on "What Not to Wear" who "let themselves go" because they were too busy caring for kids and their families. I've come to understand them. I still get up in the morning, put my face on and dress presentably for work, but it's easier to not think about what I need and how I feel about things because those are gray areas to me. What's black and white is what 'Rad needs (to eat, to be played with, to be left alone, to sleep), what Blue needs (to eat, to be played with, to be hammed on, to sleep), what everyone else needs (a spreadsheet, dinner, an e-mail answered, clean underwear). I'm not sure if I need it, but right now what I'd really like is a soak in a hot tub, pruned toes, and a piece of Olive Garden tiramisu. You know, the finer things in life.