A Sleep Training, Nervous, Haze

Night 7 of sleep training - moving on up to the 12-15-17 minute sequence. After about 9 or 10 minutes, 'Rad started quieting down, and I cautiously speculated that I might be in the clear. But 2 minutes later I headed back into the nursery where he had started massaging his vocal chords again with a hearty, robust cry. All I had to do was pop his baba in, rub his belly for a second while telling him it was naptime, and I haven't heard a peep out of him since. We are a slave to the baba, which makes me feel a little guilty for letting him cry when I could easily quiet him down with it, but the baba isn't the end all be all of soothing the Rad, so we'll keep on keeping on.

Yesterday morning on my drive into work, I saw a burpy cloth draped over my shoulder out of the corner of my eye and thought nothing of it. Only when I turned to actually look at that white square on my shoulder did I realize that it was a patch of sunlight - as if it would have been logical for me to wear a burpy cloth over my shoulder in to work anyway. What struck me about it though, was how that didn't seem illogical. Not at all. I could probably walk out of the house with part of my nursing bra unclasped, a bib or burpy cloth casually slung over my shoulder, and schmurp stains on my pant legs and not either realize it or care. I'm not sure if that's a testament to my exhaustion or just a passage of motherhood. It'll happen, I'm sure of it.

The past two days I've had 'Rad by myself while Z was at school. I'm happy to report that on neither of these days have I felt the anxiety and semi-panic that would often befall me when the prospect of taking care of Connor alone loomed. It's a conscious effort to not let myself get to that frantic point, and ironically it was achieved by not thinking about it too much. It seems ridiculous to me that I get nervous about taking care of my own kid. But I find myself being nervous about a lot of things lately. I don't want to be nervous about taking care of 'Rad, though; it's time that I enjoy and wish I had more of.