My first day back at work post-baby wasn't as difficult as I thought it would be, but that's not to say that it was easy. We dropped Connor off for the first time at daycare and although he was oblivious to how momentous the occasion was, I cried when we got into the car and Z asked me how I was doing. I hadn't been away for him for more than an hour before today. No tears were shed at work though, and I think that taking breastmilk-pumping breaks will help me keep my sanity up until and after I get used to leaving my kid with someone else during the day.
As we drove away from his daycare, I thought about what it would be like to be stay-at-home mom, and I think I truly liked the thought for the first time. During the day I spoke to other moms at work who had fond memories of their mothers being home to take care of them, how that seemed to be the norm and much more doable back then. The bad thing about "back thens" are that they always seem so magical and wonderful, but they're so unreachable and unrepeatable. With so many of my own childhood memories peppering the child-rearing road that lay before me, the "back thens" are sure to keep on rolling in, sending waves of sentimentality crashing over me. I hope I can make 'Rad's childhood memories as great as mine are.
Armed with my little photo album at work, I was able to handle all the questions about how motherhood is and how I am and how I felt dropping my baby boy off at daycare this morning. I quietly sorted through my e-mails (232 e-mails over two months. Not bad, really), got reacquainted with the software that I abandoned abruptly 10 weeks ago, and had a couple of meetings. At the risk of jinxing it all, it was a pretty easy work day. The thing that got me about it was how quiet it was. On maternity leave I usually had the tv or radio on for background noise as I sang and babbled with C-rad. Back in my cubicle all I heard was the clicking of keyboard keys. There was barely even the sound of a phone ringing to break the silence. Connor would have loved it - all of that white noise.
I only texted our daycare provider, Amy, twice during the day to see how my little guy was doing. Both times he was fine (of course), but I needed reassurance. When we picked him up he was just chillin' in Amy's arms, and we put him in the car seat and drove him home with no drama. I kissed him and squished him and had to make sure I didn't break him, I wanted to love on him so much (a total Lenny from "Of Mice and Men" moment), but he was tired. It's so strange to pick him up after a full day of work, take him home with such excitement, and put him down for a nap. But it's nice to be back in the house with my baby nearby, growing and happy. As long as he's close, I'll be all right.
I think we can make this work.