Sunday, November 13, 2011

Misplaced Energy

As much as I love them, some of Connor's little sounds can riddle me with anxiety and worry.  His coos, the little grunts and groans he makes when eating, his joyous yelps, those are the ones I love to hear, especially when he's entertaining himself in his crib.  But those hungry and tired cries cause some biological reaction in me, and I find myself tapping my fingers nervously as the bottle is warmed or frantically unsnapping one side of my nursing bra or pacing in the hallway while trying to observe the five-minute cry-it-out rule.  There is something about him being hungry or getting hungry that really makes me nervous.  If we have anything planned for the day, I rush us out the door theminute he's done eating so as to avoid being out and about when the hunger strikes him again.  I usually have a bottle of milk on hand, even if we're just venturing out for an hour-long errand.  I'm not comfortable breastfeeding in public, I'm not sure if I ever will be, so to avoid any performance anxiety I avoid the public performance all together.

I also have an issue with leaving well enough alone.  I'm still like a buzzing bee around 'Rad.  Sure, he's happy laying in his crib watching his mobile or staring up at his moose from his play mat, but has he been laying there too long without person-to-person stimulation?  Should I be talking to him instead of just letting him enjoy himself (which he obviously is) without my intervention?  My main concern here is that he doesn't grow up as socially awkward as I was/am.  However, I'm not sure if my method of forcing social interaction on him is really the best way to go.  I could just be driving him to introversion by making sure that my face looms like a never-setting sun in his short line of sight.  I'm trying to learn to relax about this, but there's always that nagging thought in the back of my mind that he's just too quietly content.  I know, I'm a freak.

Since having a baby, my mind has been churning over how I can make his life - and, in turn, our lives - better.  A different job?  A new career path?  Being more thrifty?  Learning to let things go?  All of these things likely figure into the perfect improvement equation, but they're all so daunting and seemingly impossible.  How do you make ends meet without going crazy because you're holed up at home with no extra scratch for some drinks out and a babysitter (we haven't used a babysitter as of yet).  How can you get those "if only" scenarios out of your mind when they seem to turn out better than anything else you have going?  I love my family and am generally happy with my life, but I feel like I can always make things better.  The frustrating part is when it feels like no one else seems to be in on my self-improvement projects.  But I'm young, C-rad is young, and we all have a lot of growing and learning to do.  I think the best thing I can do now is, as Ghandi said, be the change I want to see in the world.  It's a completely overused quote, but a true mantra, especially when change seems like the only thing that is certain.

'Rad teaching us a lesson: How to just chill


Sarah K said...

I just wanted to say that I've enjoyed reading your blog! I saw the post on rookie mom's blog and started reading, partly because my son is 7 weeks old now and also because I totally relate to the feelings that you are experiencing as a first-time mom. I would count it a blessing that C-rad can hang out on his own. My son wants to be held pretty much all the time so just enjoy the "you" time when you have it! Hang in there and keep writing so that I can read your blog during my "me" time!

Jojo said...

Welcome to motherhood, fellow newbie! I will definitely try to relax about 'Rad being so relaxed (seems like a silly thing to have to work on, doesn't it?). I hope your son is nice to you :-)

Thanks for reading!