Wednesday, November 09, 2011

Working on Being a Mom

I feel like I've just been crowned prom queen (even though I have no idea what that actually feels like); after my post aired on, crushedcorn has been cheered on and encouraged by many of you, and this new found mini-stardom has left me flushed and exhilarated.  Thank you for reading!

Three days into pumping at work, I've drawn a somewhat uncomfortable comparison between donating sperm and my 15-minute breast milk breaks.  Every three hours I grab my little photo album of C-rad, head to one of the changing rooms by the workout facilities at work and lock myself in, only emerging after I've filled a plastic cup with liquid gold.  When a guy donates sperm, doesn't he do pretty much the same?  After discovering these similarities, I feel like I should take the long way to the changing room as if I'm doing something shameful even though I'm not.

I'm not only getting used to the process of pumping at work, but I'm working on not feeling guilty about it.  Why would I feel guilty?  If you must know anything about me, know that I feel guilty about most everything.  There's really not much more to it than that.  I feel guilty about doing things solely for me.  Pumping is about C-rad than it is about me, but when I'm the one taking the work breaks, well, hello guilt.  That's all part of the mom and person I want to be, though - someone who doesn't feel bad about doing what's right for me and my family.

Now that day three of daycare is under my belt, I can say that I think everything is going to be ok.  Although I'd love to spend more waking time with Rad-a-dude during the day, there is a big amount of pressure that's taken off when I have someone reliable watching him in my stead while I'm at work.  I feel like that makes me a bad mom since I am essentially ok with not being with my child more.  I haven't shed any tears since Monday and that's not to say some might not sneak up on me, but I am working on accepting the fact that I kind of enjoy being at work while my little babe hangs with some new friends.  Is that something I should feel bad about?  Well, I do and I don't want to.

Here's one thing I don't feel bad about: C-rad is napping and I just finished enjoying a cold can of Bud Light (I would have preferred a bottle of something different, but sometimes you take what you can get!).

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