crushedcorn (8 hours of sleep? never again)

What Would You Say?

2012-02-08T20:14:00.001-07:00

The question "What's new?" has been stumping me lately. Work is work. Z is still busting ass and taking classes. Every day I come home, do some chores, and try to write to you. But...but...I have a 5-month old, something's got to be new, right?! Since I've practically told everyone I've met (and their dog) that Connor has been eating solids and digs carrots and peas, there really is nothing "new" to report.

So what can I say to keep you coming around? What should I rant on, write about, and mull over?

I see a wealth of blog fodder in the coming weeks, when 'Rad becomes a 6-month old, when we have more adventures in feeding, standing, rolling, when I hit another wave of crazy (or maybe a long-needed wave of sanity). If none of that happens, I'll just make up a story. Hmm, I'll have to get back to you on that.

More Solid Talk

2012-02-07T19:36:00.003-07:00

Now that solid foods have been part of 'Rad's dietary repertoire for over a week, I find myself asking EVERYONE how they introduced solid foods. How often did you feed them? How much? So when do you start giving actual chunks of fruits and veggies? And did you feed the organic stuff? Most everyone's answer is the same - I just kind of figured it out and fed solids three times a day - but I find myself still asking this question as if there is some magical answer that I'll be able to identify once I hear it. Connor seems to be doing just fine with his twice a day solid feeds, but my mind keeps looking forward to the next step.

The nice, shiny red bebePOD that so thrilled us when Connor could fit into it without completely slumping over like a Beanie Baby has suddenly become too small; his nicely rolled, tightly packed little thighs are cradled a little too snugly in the seat. I think we may need to bring up the high chair. Tonight, like this morning, I held 'Rad in my lap while trying to aim for the moving target that was his open mouth. He likes carrots, which is nice to know, but I can't be sure how much carrot he actually ate and how much carrot he wore as a whole-food facial. It might sound gross, but there's something reassuring about having the food go in one color and come out the other side with the same hue. It's that pure, clean, baby system that I find comforting. I've often thought about doing a "cleanse" to achieve a similar end (har har har), but I don't know how many cups of nasty tea I really want to down along with my chocolate croissants and pop tarts.

Inspired by a close friend, here is a little video of 'Rad-a-dude's first experience with peas. Unlike this friend, though, my video is not concise. So unless you really like peas or watching a baby eat, the first 30 seconds or so are probably all you need.

Last night we did something different - we gave 'Rad his solid food at night, fed him a bottle of formula, put him down for bed at 8:00 pm, and didn't wake him up for a late feeding like we usually do. It was a risky move, but one that we had to take to quench our curiosities. The little dude slept all night with nary a peep and I had to wake him up after 6:00 am. It was unbelievable. And awesome. I didn't get any more sleep than usual, but it's nice to know that he can go for that long of a stretch at night. I wonder if he's going through another growth spurt...

Let It Be. Peas

2012-02-06T20:51:00.002-07:00

When I had 'Rado, I promptly denounced taking care of myself. Prenatal vitamins would cover any nutritional deficiencies in my diet so that my b-milk would be well fortified, as long as he got the sleep he needed I could use Connor's snooze time to clean and do projects (the 4-month curtains can attest to how bad an idea that was), and my job provided a daily hiatus from housework - no matter that going to the office was more stressful than doing dishes and laundry. But that weak structure could only hold up for so long before it came crashing down like it did last night. You probably saw it coming while I tried to avoid it like trying to sidestep a hurricane.

Now that it's out of my system, I think I'm ready to move up and move on. I've been woe-is-me-ing for the past week, being a pill to Z, being confused, and just acting like a general Debbie Downer. Emotions don't have switches (I felt a little edgy at work today, completely unprovoked), but I'm ready to go Zen on this shit and get it together, baby. As Z reminds me each day, I need to:

On to more exciting news, we finished our first round of solid, non-rice cereal food tonight and can now say that Connor lurves peas. Mouth wide open, humming for more, shoving the spoon into his mouth lurves peas. I've never been so excited about peas before. Hopefully later this week I can share how ecstatic I am about carrots and bananas.

It's amazing how adding a spoon into the equation changes the whole eating dynamic. It's just so much more fun and interesting now. Feeding used to be such a nag - getting up at all hours every couple of hours to latch that baby on. Then we moved to bottle only feeding, which has been a nag in its own right since pumping is of the utmost importance to keep the food source flowing. Now though, we've moving over to formula and I can sit face-to-face to my little man and watch his mouth work over whatever mush might make it into his mouth and not onto his chin or shirt. I think I'll remember how 'Rad's feeding has evolved as much as I'll remember how much he has and is growing.

And he is growing on all fronts. His baby coos have evolved into squeals like that of a baby pterodactyl. His uncontrolled hand movements can help his grasp his favorite ball or rip my bangs out by the roots. He'll shoot us a smile when it seems like we're too far away for him to see. And thanks to our trip to Chicago, we've discovered how strong his little bullfrog legs really are.

And this one's just for fun:

What a Girl Wants

2012-02-02T20:52:00.003-07:00

We're going to visit my sister in Chicago this weekend and there's a corner of my mind that's worried about how 'Rad will do. He has proven himself a creature of habit, and if that habit cannot be maintained (i.e. usual nap times, a new environment) we often pay for it in the form of a fussy, sleep-resistant infant. Every overnight venture is an uncertain adventure since Connor is not to be pinned down. He's 5-months old for godssake, boy's gotta keep us guessing!

My mind won't settle down enough to let me write more than five coherent sentences. I've felt scattered, overdone, tired, wired, great, good, gawd awful, confused, conflicted, full of thanks, and thankless all in the past 48 hours. I have occasional moments (or, if I'm lucky, a full hour) of clarity and serenity, but then they get run over and smeared all over the road when self-doubt and uncertainty come barreling down the mental highway. Sometimes I'm not sure how to feel about things because with 'Rad in the picture the only clear priority is him and my family; how much does everything else matter? Do I really need to try as hard as I do for people to like me and to get along with everyone? I don't and I don't want to, but I'm having a hard time solidifying that in my mind and acting accordingly.

Now that I'm feeling more comfortable in my ability to care for 'Rad, the spotlight has turned on me and I'm definitely a deer in the headlights (I hate that analogy - so overused - but it's completely appropriate here), my thoughts scurrying undefined to the dark regions away from focused thinking. I used to scoff at the mothers on "What Not to Wear" who "let themselves go" because they were too busy caring for kids and their families. I've come to understand them. I still get up in the morning, put my face on and dress presentably for work, but it's easier to not think about what I need and how I feel about things because those are gray areas to me. What's black and white is what 'Rad needs (to eat, to be played with, to be left alone, to sleep), what Blue needs (to eat, to be played with, to be hammed on, to sleep), what everyone else needs (a spreadsheet, dinner, an e-mail answered, clean underwear). I'm not sure if I need it, but right now what I'd really like is a soak in a hot tub, pruned toes, and a piece of Olive Garden tiramisu. You know, the finer things in life.

Gooey Bear

2012-02-01T20:09:00.004-07:00

I'm tired. I just finished dinner after taking 'Rad and Blue out for a walk, washing bottles, cooking dinner, reading Connor a story and putting him down for his late nap. I still need to study, unload the dishwasher, and put away the clothes I've strewn all over the bed since this morning. I would add to that to-do list "put away and organize my shoes," but since Z snarkily asked me to do that yesterday after I busted my ass at home while he was in class (not saying that's not work, too), I'm going to pretend there isn't a stack of shoes tripping over themselves next to the closet. I've heard this said quite a few times over the past week and I'm inclined to agree: Guys are wimps. I love you, Z, but deal with the shoes. Does it matter that I snarkily told him to put his behemoth shoes away the day before yesterday because I kept tripping over them. Eh.

Who wouldn't be happy on a Saturday morning?

Last night I drank a cup of tea that's supposed to increase milk production. This morning I woke up and pumped almost 3 oz less than I usually do in the morning. All day my production wasn't much more impressive. I've held on for 5 months, but I think it's time I start weaning the little dude off of the boob juice in earnest. It doesn't help that the little beastie is downing 7 oz at each feeding these days; I'm lucky if I can get 4 oz at each pumping session. I remember the pride I felt in my milk-producing heydays when I could stash away a 2- or 4-oz bottle in the freezer, like I was putting money away in a savings account. But that liquid goldmine has almost been depleted and I'm staring down the barrel of full-on formula feeding (kind of a con, financially) and no longer having to worry about what I'm eating or drinking (pro, except I'll miss having breastfeeding as a guilt-free reason to have a chocolate croissant in the morning).

Why so surprised, 'Rad?

I think I'm ready, though. Pumping is a time-suck, although one of the few reasons I'd like to continue doing it is that it provides me a few 15-minute respites during the workday. What did I do before pumping at work? Sitting at my desk for more than 3 hours straight seems like a real drag. I'll have to retrain my mind to stay focused for at least that long - no easy feat since it rejects simple tasks like remembering what I walked into a room for and that I need to do my hair before driving off to work.

Once upon a time, pre-'Rad, I wrote a short story for my nieces and nephews. They were characterized by their spirit animals. Not official spirit animals, but the ones that we decided were the most fitting or that they would eventually grow into. My oldest niece was a lion. Her sister and brother, turtle and rhino. My oldest nephew was the monkey. My sister and I have been trying to nail down Connor's spirit animal, which eluded us as we tried to peg him as a raccoon, squirrel, and chipmunk. I think I have it this time, though. Thanks to the cuteness of children's clothing and his squishy, lovable exterior and growing voice, I deem you, Conrado Ramone, the bear.

A cool guy. The bear.

It started when Z and I were getting dressed to go for a walk. Connor had on a hoodie with bear ears on top (thanks, Auntie), and I put him in his snowsuit, also with little ears on top (again, thank you Auntie). Boom. He became Double Bear. More descriptively, he became a gooey bear with a crunchy outer-bear shell. If he's not in his snowsuit, he's simply Gooey Bear. All in all, he became my little bear, the cuddliest little cub you'd ever want to squish (side note: 'Rad's really not a cuddler at all, but he humors me from time to time).

More Crazy

2012-01-31T20:42:00.003-07:00

Me

Have I told you about this book I'm reading entitled "Buddhism for Mothers"? 'Cause oh mother do I need some Zen. All day today I kept noticing how tense I am - a constant state of tension - in mind and body. When I'm at my desk at work I'm hunched over and my brow is furrowed. When I'm in the car my hands tightly grip the steering wheel and my neck is tight. When I'm holding 'Rad while feeding him my shoulders are pulled up to my neck and I'm holding him like I'm trying to fit him into a box. Is motherhood a constant state of tension, or am I just in a constant state of "me?"

My mind has decided to take itself on unannounced walks lately, the results of which are nerve-wracking daydreams about getting fired, getting demoted or passed up for a promotion, 'Rad not growing up well, being a bad parent but realizing it when it's too late, and whatever other thought that might strike fear into your heart. I keep dropping the leash and that damn brain of mind decides to go where ever it pleases. It may sound hokey, but the book said that an easy way to meditate is to focus on the most basic aspect of what you're doing at any given moment: I'm typing. I'm typing. I'm typing. Strangely enough, as simple a concept as that seems it really difficult to bring my mind to that level. It seems an impossible feat to bring my thinking to one of simple statements, to keep it from jumping off of a cliff and pulling all the sane, crazy, or middling thoughts with it - whatever it can grab a hold of before plunging into the abyss.

Coming home and hanging with 'Rad and Blue help pull my mind out of its ass although there are still those "I just want to sleep and woe is me" moments in the company of the small and the furry. All 'Rad wants is attention and love. All Blue wants is attention and love. When I try to give the former what he needs, the latter has been getting jealous lately. Not the I'm-going-to-scratch-your-soft-little-head-again-if-you-get-in-my-way kind of jealous, but the I'm-going-to-squeeze-you-out-of-mom's-lap-and-put-myself-in-your-place way. When I was washing bottles tonight, Blue hung in the kitchen in full stalker pose: standing stiff, head down, eyes lifted and staring at me unblinkingly. It was as if he were thinking, "If I don't get more attention you're going to get a pillow over the face tonight." For having such an endearing face, Blue can be quite creepy and a real jerks sometimes.
'Rad

Tonight my boy downed 7 oz of milk. Gulp. Done. Barely messed with the bottle, barely came up for air. He gripped that bottle with both mitts, a little fleshy vice made of chubby hands. Oh how exquisite it will be when I can give him the bottle and trust him to feed himself. Yes, I'm wishing independence on my 5-month old. I love him and all, but sometimes mama's just got to change the channel when Two and Half Men comes on.

Speaking of feeding, we're still working out the kinks with solid foods. Sunday by far was the most successful day, and this morning he barely opened his mouth when the spoon came at him. He even gave me looks of disbelief when I dared to sneak food into his mouth as he opened it to chomp on the bowl or babble. Crossed all lines of social propriety with that move.

In more exciting news (no, I'm not going to talk about his poops or burps), his little toes can touch the ground when he's in his bouncy play palace now! This morning, as Z and I sat at the coffee table eating breakfast, 'Rad was bouncing his little heart out and look at us with a "Yeah, this is happening" look on his face. That kid is so cool, it scares me. I'll be the Dungeons and Dragons mother (it's a metaphor - I've never actually played Dungeons or Dragons) to his rock-and-roll childhood, adolescence, and adulthood. As long as he isn't into Avril Lavigne or Ke$ha, I'm ok with that.

Hello, Solid Food!

2012-01-29T08:40:00.000-07:00

It happened: Yesterday, 'Rad got his first taste of "solid food."

Z and I hovered over him as he sat in his bumbo seat, the tray no longer adorned with his spinny toy but with a place mat and a bowl of rice cereal. Once we were in position (z with the camera, me with the spoon of food, and 'Rad patiently waiting in his seat), the spoon encountered the mouth, the mouth confusedly encountered the food, and the food stayed in the mouth. For the most part.

Here comes the airplane (I didn't make plane noises, but it seemed an appropriate sentiment)!

Trying to figure out what to put in his mouth - the spoon or the bowl

Now we're getting it

That giantic hand is Z's. FYI

Not much of the rice-milk mixture got eaten, but what was put in 'Rad's mouth went down without a fight. I call that a success.

The whole process didn't take as much time as I was prepared for, and I'm looking forward to seeing how he reacts to peas, sweet taters, all that good stuff.

This morning he went after it with gusto, grabbing the handle of the spoon as it hovered near his mouth and pulling it towards him. With each bite his face looked like it was saying, "I'm not sure if I like this," but it was as if his stomach was compelling him to open his mouth and ingest the questionable substance on the spoon. He really seemed to be going after it, and I got more and more excited as his mouth opened with the spoon approaching him. No planes, trains, or automobile sounds necessary.

Thinking so much about what we'll be putting in Connor's mouth makes me think a lot about what we're putting in ours. Suddenly, the need to eat more fruits and veggies has become a priority (we need to model the right behavior, right?). Sure, at this point the dude couldn't tell the difference between a banana and a remote control, but for our sake and my peace of mind, we need to start changing our eating habits now. But I'm not going to get rid of my sweets intake. You wouldn't want to see me without my daily dose of sugar.

A Letter to My Almost-5-Month-Old 'Rad

2012-01-26T20:56:00.000-07:00

Dear Connor (I'm trying to use your official nickname more since "they" say you should respond to your name by 5 months),

I hope that by the time you can read this, your mother will no longer be the high-strung person who, last night, made you three different bottles because you just weren't hungry when you usually are. It didn't matter that you were happily perched on my shoulder after only eating 3 of your usual 6oz dinner. It didn't matter that you wanted to play and were bouncing on my legs. The fact that you didn't eat what you normally eat threw me into such a tizzy that your dad had to talk me down when he got home after a long day of work and school.

When you first entered the world, after the initial whirlwind of bringing you home and getting to know you a little better, I fancied myself a laid-back parent. I might not have known (and still don't) what I'm doing, but I was ok with that. I was able to take the hits as they came instead of falling flat on my back at every one that came at me. I told myself to go with the flow and for a while I took my own advice. But as I write to you today, I'm not sure where that person went and I'm trying to find her again.

She and I both marvel at how quickly you're growing, at the fact that you're almost 5-months old and ready to start solids, that you're pulling yourself up to a sitting position without any prompting, that you've already rolled from your back to your tummy and from your tummy to your back. The big difference between me and her, though, is that she saw all of your changes as exciting, whereas I am freaked out by them, constantly wondering if I'm prepared and if you're ok. Am I a good parent? Will I be one? Will you reach your full potential? Will I be able to keep myself from wanting to spoil you rotten because you're the most delicious baby ever? Will you be a good toddler, kid, adolescent, and adult? I guess the bigger question is, will I be able to change my mindset so that I don't worry about these things but instead act as the parent I want to be?

Consider this letter a call to arms for myself so that I can be a better person and parent for you, for me, and for any siblings that you may have. You'll find out how that goes.

Love,

Mom

Boredom Eating and Cleaning House

2012-01-25T19:55:00.000-07:00

I may be taking advantage of the eat-fat-if-you’re-breastfeeding-for-your-baby’s-development thing a little too late, but so far this week I’ve had my regular breakfast at home supplemented by a cream-filled donut or, today, a chocolate croissant with coffee. It’s more of a mental hunger than a physiological one; I have in my mind that I’m going to have something sweet with my coffee when I get to work, so my mind drives me to the coffee shop or gas station, runs the debit card for $0.95, and crams that sweetness in my mouth when I sit down at my desk whether my stomach says it’s time to eat or not. I liken it to training for a marathon, and only when I’ve almost crossed the finish line do I decide that I need to carbo load. Healthy? Probably not. Delicious? You bet your sweet patootie it is.

Can I help you?

It's also a mental hunger because my mind has been starving for some occupational stimulation. Over the past week my mind has been on Connor, on all the things that need to be done besides answering e-mails and phones and placing orders, on how I feel like I've been a crappy partner (I'm doing great at the wife stuff: dishes done, checkbook balanced, dinners made), on what I'm going to eat next. It's gotten to the point that I've become a boredom eater. I own it and admit it.

Oh, you're lookin' at me?

I don't need a hobby or a book - I need something that will satisfy me considering that I do that "something" eight hours a day. The hard part is that my job involves slow and busy times, and when the busy time hits I'll be complaining to you about how busy I am and how I don't have time to think about anything besides answering e-mails and phones and placing orders. Having 'Rad makes so many other facets of my life seem lacking and just not as interesting as that drooling little dude.

Whatevs. I'm busy looking at this flower/rattle thing

My mind has been on my mental, physical, and emotional health lately because my mental, physical, and emotional houses are out of whack. Physically, the only workouts I get are going up and down the 30 stairs at work when I take my pumping breaks and when I carry 'Rad around or play with him and bounce him in my lap. Emotionally, I feel myself falling into dirty low-down rut, and looking down that dark tunnel scares the hell out of me since I have 'Rad-a-dude to care for.

The curtain project - finished months after initiation but finished nonetheless!

A close-up of the pattern - even Z gave his approval

If I'm not feeling the rut onset, I'm not sure how to feel about certain things; Should I be worried about this? Should I care about that? Should I take action or just put my head down and power through? Tonight, after putting Connor down for his late nap, I found myself checking in on him on three separate occasions. I haven't checked on him during naptime in ~~ages~~ at least three weeks. I'm not sure what's going on here, but I know I don't like it. Insecurity, please leave me and my family alone. We all despise you.

Here We Go...

2012-01-24T20:07:00.003-07:00

I fear that I've been making motherhood and being a parent sound too much like lollipops and rainbows. Since sleep training has pretty much worked it's magic and I've switched my mode of thinking when running out of work to pick up The 'Rad, things have been quite peaceful and manageable on the baby front. 'Rad must be going through a growth spurt, because he's been wanting to go to bed at 6:30 pm for the past few days. That means that the amount of time I get to spend with him each day - entertaining him, talking to him, and bouncing him - has gone down a little, leaving me more time alone with my thoughts (homework and housework), my hopes (maybe I'll get to bed before 11:00 pm tonight?), and my dreams (I'm not sure when the last time I dreamed was).

But that doesn't mean that I can't see a big, hulking hurdle on the horizon: solid foods. I'm excited about it, and it's not so much a hurdle as it is a big, hulking step. I've been thinking about it all week. How will it change his feeding schedule? How will it change our daily routines? How will it affect him (e.g. how long and how well he sleeps, his poops, his temperament)? How do I do it, for godssake? Someone at work told me that it's a very intense interaction because you're eye-to-eye with your babe, not looking down on him when he's breastfeeding or downing a bottle. I think about how intense it will be to have to wash all of his bottle parts plus baby dishes and spoons. 'Rad is ready for it, though. When I feed him his bottle at night, he's been looking at me as if to say, "That's all you got? You've got to be kidding me, lady!" He's also been sticking his tongue out from time to time when he sees us eating breakfast.

Add to that the fact that the kid has been sitting up on his own, and I think we've hit the beginning of the end. From rice cereal we'll move to baby food and chunks of "real" food. From sitting up, he'll start creeping then crawling then we'll need to baby-proof the place and put latches on the cabinets and lock the door to the basement then put away and knick-knacks and I need to stop so I will. But anyway, yeah, he's been sitting up on his own over the past few days. His form is far from perfect; if propped up on the bed he'll pull himself up so he's sitting unsupported, then quietly roll forward until he plants the corner of his face softly on the mattress. He's no longer contented to just recline and lounge like the bouncy seat encourages. The man wants to round out the flat spot on the back of his head!

Getting My Fill

2012-01-23T20:58:00.000-07:00

Working on sitting up

Inevitably, there is that weekend day, one out of the two, where Connor gets off schedule and we pay for it a little. Yesterday was that day. It's all relative, because I know his being fussy is peanuts compared to a kid who may be colicky or high needs. But he was fussy by 'Rad standards, and a little sour-bellied too. So, in an effort to soothe his belly and fill ours, we went out yesterday and got some Gripe Water, a Big Mac, some Chicken McNuggets, and lots of french fries. Nobody shared. I'm not sure if the Gripe Water worked, but he was smiley and happy when I picked him up from Amy's despite the fact that he spit up a little in the afternoon. There are now two items in our baby medicine cabinet: Acetaminophen and Gripe Water. And being draped over my shoulder and carried around. Ok, so three things.

The weekend wasn't all bad. After a failed attempt at pulling 'Rad around the backyard in a sled, I loaded him up in the front carrier and we went for a walk around the big loop of the neighborhood. Let me tell you, it's been too long since I've gone for any sort of recreational walk. It felt good to stretch the legs, but the cold wind and "wintry mix" (as the meteorologist called it) didn't. Connor was faced in towards me, so he was protected in his bear snowsuit and we powered through. Despite the adverse weather, it was nice to fill my lungs with some fresh air and get a little chill on my cheeks. On a separate but related note, the nickname "Little Bear" sprouted this weekend thanks to that adorable piece of outer wear and his fleece hoodie with bear ears on it.

Connor is getting to that boogery stage. Is that considered a stage? Well, whatever it is, he's in it, and he's in it hard. His little nostrils are cobwebbed with the stuff and I just can't look at it without wanting to or just straight-up sticking my pinky finger in his nose to clear the way for some fresh air. When nearing the end of a tummy-time session, he'll rub his face into his lily pad and end up with a sticky boog all the way up by his temple or near his eye and artfully dodge my attempts to unstick said boogies from his face. The boogies don't seem to bother him much. It's just me cramming my finger up there that can get him a little worked up. Go fig.

Speaking of tummy time...The brothers sharing the lily pad

I will continue to bemoan being at work with a 'Rad in daycare until 1) I get used to it, 2) I just buck up and come to terms with the fact that it is what it is, or 3) I win the lotto or otherwise come upon a large sum of money so we can be together more often. I love Amy, she's great as is her family, but she's not my family and she's not me, but she gets to spend so much more time with 'Rado than I do.

This was their "crazy eyes" pose

Tonight, he was tired when I picked him up so we got to spend 1.5 hours together before I put him down for his late nap. You know what, though? It was a good quality 1.5 hours. We tummy timed, we talked and laughed, we read...I'm making our lives sound like a chick flick: "I laughed, I cried..." Whatever. We had a good time, then he went down for his nap without a fight. He is such a good kid it makes me want to cry.

Baby Laughs and Babies R' Us

2012-01-21T20:18:00.002-07:00

Today was my day to sleep in and, as always, it was great. I often feel that I'm not taking advantage of my Saturday morning unless I stay in bed until at least 9:00 or 10:00. But this morning, I was awoken by the sound of 'Rad laughing around 8:00. Z had him in the living room and I kept hearing these rounds of baby laughter jog down the hallway and sneak in under the bedroom door. I smiled but tried to stay in bed, in the warmth under the covers with a dog blanket on top of me. But the laughter kept coming and I couldn't stand it anymore, so I slid out of bed to join the family on the couch.

Whenever Z makes 'Rad laugh, I always have to know how so I can add it to my small but growing arsenal of ways to elicit that awesome sound from the little dude. Right now, acting like you're eating his face, gasping then kissing him, and once in a while a good zerberting can do the trick. He sounds like he can't catch his breath when he's laughing, like whatever you just did was the funniest thing he's ever seen or felt, like you're the funniest person he's ever met. Whether those things are true or not, his laugh makes you feel like the most important person in the world. So cheesy and hokey, I know, but as long as I can get a laugh or at least a smile out of Connor, no day could be considered a failure.

Since we've started reading 'Rad-a-dude a story before nap time, we've quickly realized how small our baby library is. I told you how we picked up a couple new titles, but I welcome any and all suggestions for 'Rad's listening and our reading pleasure. I think we'll be all set for when he can read Roald Dahl, but any reading level below that puts me at a loss. A big book of Richard Scarry's rhymes is on my wish list, but that's all I've got. What are some of your faves to read to the little ones?

We went to Babies R' Us today and almost dropped a hundo. Seriously, that place makes bank, probably a lot of it on people like us who don't necessarily have that much to spend but need to spend it anyway. But we got some much needed items: diapers, a baby book (I'm very excited about filling this puppy out), some face wipes, and most importantly, mesh bumpers (we didn't get the pattern in the link, FYI). If it weren't for my sisters, I wouldn't have known that these things even existed, but thankfully for them I do. We just installed them a little earlier this evening but are already reaping their benefits - no more pacifier bouncing out of the crib and onto the floor when 'Rad pops it out of his mouth in the middle of the night and no more feet peeking through the crib slats. Lord knows what else we're going to have to pick up from that maternal mecca over the next few weeks, months, years.

One Day at a Time

2012-01-19T20:27:00.002-07:00

I've harped on it numerous times - the anxiety that can hit when heading home to take care of 'Rad after being away from him all day. But I realize now (as I think I've realized numerous times but it's just never stuck) how I was looking at it completely wrong. Instead of setting myself up to be excited to see him then nervous about what to do after that, I've been really enjoying our time together. We chat on the bed and get in some laughs, walk around the house baby-bjorned together, and take care of some errands before we go our separate ways (he to his play palace, me to bottle duty).

Hanging on the bed with dad after a long day at daycare

Connor flying high (Z is below him, holding up in Superman pose)

Approaching him and going home with that mindset has made everything better. He seems happier, I'm happier, and over the past three nights he's gone down for his late night nap without a peek. Not a single whine. No whimpers. After changing his diaper, reading him a story, and putting him down in his crib, I've been able to leave him in peace, him doing the same for me. I've said it before and I'll say it again: Sleep training works. Well, at least it has for 'Rad. So far. I try to not let the stress bubble up in me as I gently lay him in the crib, and luckily 'Rad hasn't given it reason to boil over since earlier this week. Oh buddy, I thought I loved you before but you have no idea how much I love your yummiest now that you don't fight nap time.

On all other fronts, things have been relatively quiet. We're still on sleep-training watch with 'Rad, he's still showing signs of teething but nothing has emerged, Z and I are working stiffs, I'm still pumping at work with the hopes of only having to give him one bottle of formula a day, and Blue is waiting for the weekend so he can get a good run in. There are 3"-8" of snow forcasted for tomorrow, so we're planning on picking up a sled, hitching it to Blue boy, loading it with a 'Rad, and going for a walk through the neighborhood this weekend. For the record, that would be the only reason I would ever wish for snow at this time of the year. It's so freakin' cold in WI right now!

Seeing the World Through 'Rad's Eyes

2012-01-17T20:15:00.001-07:00

'Rad has been loving his new play palace. The walker we used to set him in did the job - it had a bar across the front that let him move little plastic chips back and forth and a plastic teddy bear sentinel on either side that he liked to gaze at and try to wrap his mouth around. But the play palace offers a lot more variety and, of course, the option to bounce. I set him in it while finishing dishes tonight and could hear him spinning the plastic oval filled with little balls and a flipping picture of a cat and dog. Then, I spun him 90 degrees to the right and could hear him occasionally getting up enough power to push down one of the buttons that lit up and played music.

It's like you can see his little mind working. I love catching him staring intently at one of his toys, like he's trying to figure out what it is and what it does (that, or he's just leaned too far forward and doesn't have enough abdominal strength to straighten himself). Could you imagine seeing the world as if everything were new, a mystery to solve? Besides the fact that I have an awesome baby (and that's a HUGE besides), the parts of life that take up the most time have become so old-hat - chores, the commute, the work day - that it seems like there is no wonder left in the 'Rad-free portions of my day. It's one of the reason I love spending time with the little guy. Being with him encourages me to see the world in the way I used to see it. It spurns me to see the world with less shackles, with a more open mind, and from about 25" off of the ground. It's a glorious view.

Then I imagine seeing the world through Blue's eyes. My poor doggy. It's incredibly cold outside, there's just one of me, and he hasn't been exercised in the past few days. I'm sorry, buddy. Please point those sad dog eyes in a different direction. You're killin' me.

Homework. Bleck

2012-01-16T21:50:00.000-07:00

I worked on homework tonight. Yes, I have homework now since I'm going back to school now (one online class for this semester). I'm tired and have lots of prep to do for the morning. Connor was nice enough to not put up more than a few minutes worth of fighting at nap time. I hope he's as merciful tomorrow. If he is, I'll have more to share.

Good night!

Misinterpreting and Playing in the Snow

2012-01-15T20:40:00.004-07:00

I have been so focused on keeping 'Rad at 2 naps a day (no more, no less), making sure he eats at exactly the same time each day, and ensuring that he naps for 4-5 hours each day that I've lost myself in the process. Today, Z told me to "Stop worrying about what everyone else says and think about what 'Rad says." It makes so much sense, but my mind was taking a completely different route before he said it.

I haven't read too much in the way of parenting books, but I've asked for plenty of advice from other people and tried to interpret their words exactly. Wrong. I was trying to be a mother but taking myself out of the equation. From this day forward, I vow to try to parent on my own terms, taking into account but regardless of what other people say and what parenting books and e-mails may tell me. I let it get to the point today that I didn't want to put 'Rad down for a nap because that would have meant he took 3 naps today instead of just 2. So freakin' ridiculous. I'm sorry Connor, can you forgive me?

There was no new snow on the ground today, but the snow from last week was still on the ground and the sun was out, so we all (Z, 'Rad, Blue, and I) spent some playtime in the back yard. We've been "outside," moving from the car to a store and a store back to the car, but it's been a long time since I've been outside just to play. It was awesome. We zipped 'Rad up in his snowsuit, armed Blue with enough tennis balls to keep him occupied (until he lost them all in the snow), and properly introduced Connor to the snow,

traveling in adverse weather,

and even got a few good pictures of us with the 'Rad-a-dude, soaking up the rays.

All of the fun and games happened after we went to Target, where we found a new toy to covet on Connor's behalf. Behold, the Baby Einstein Musical Motion Activity Jumper:

Without a doorway anywhere near the living room, we had to go with an independently-suspended bouncer. This bad boy should satisfy all of 'Rad's bouncing needs. We put him in the display model at the store - where a woman promptly commented that that particular model of bouncer must come with a baby - and he contentedly sat in it while we bounced him. He's a little too short so his feet don't touch the ground when he's in it, but Z came up with the ingenious idea of just putting a box or some other step underneath him so he can bounce at will. That man is full of good ideas.

We didn't come home with it because, being the bargain hound that I am, I thought that I could get a better deal online or at least score an ebates percentage on it. Alas, with no free shipping the better deal is at the store. My goal then for tomorrow is to pick this piece up from the store at lunch so we can give Connor the power to bounce himself. The only downfall to the whole thing? Finding room in the living room for it to coexist happily with Blue, the couch, the coffee table, and us.

Flying High

2012-01-14T22:01:00.000-07:00

Although Connor is almost 5 months old, I still got that anxious feeling on Friday after work knowing that it was going to be just me, him, and Z at home with weekend with no plans and no company. But there's nothing to worry about. I got to sleep in today, we ran our errands and got him two new books for bedtime (a Curious George tale and Harry the Dirty Dog), got in a lot of good playtime and cuddle time, and continued on with sleep training - night 10.

When I put him down for his late nap, he was crying and nothing I did could calm him. I knew he was tired, and I did what I could before leaving the room. He cried on and off and finally on for about 15 minutes, after which Z went in the nursery, gave him his pacifier, a few good Ssshhhs, and then we didn't hear from him again until we got him up for his last feeding. Of course, I worried that I did something wrong and that's what set him off before I put him in the crib for his nap, but he was fine, we're fine, and we'll continue on with it tomorrow. I just can't wait until we can stop counting minutes and just feel confident that when we put him down for his nap, for the most part he's down for the count.

Weekends are the time that we really discover more of what 'Rad likes, what amuses him, and what new things he can do. Getting airborne is still on his list of likes, and we got some good laughs and smiles today when he spread his wings.

His bouncy seat, which had fell off of my radar as little more than an interim plaything, should be put back on the active roster. Not only do the humans enjoy it, but apparently Blue has taken a liking to it as well.

Ok, so Z was really bouncing the seat, but Blue took it upon himself to put his paw up on it as to make the above moment possible. Oh that dog of mine...

Night 9 and Teething

2012-01-13T20:31:00.004-07:00

Night 9 of sleep training - When we started sleep training, we started an evening nap time routine of changing 'Rad's diaper, reading him a story in the rocking chair, and putting him in his crib. Last night, Z took care of putting him down for his nap and we heard nary a peep out of him - didn't even have to check on him once. Tonight, we were both in the nursery while Z read him his story, and we laid him in his crib without a fight. Since then (it's been almost 2 hours), we've popped in there twice to give him his pacifier, but there hasn't been any real crying. I like what I'm seeing.

When we picked him up from daycare, Connor was in an outfit different from the one we had dropped him off in. That usually means a blowout occurred, but today it was a wet diaper. Our little guy has moved up to size 2 diapers at home, but Amy is trying to use up the remaining size 1s she has left, which I'm cool with. She also mentioned that he's been drooling. Lots.

When we brought him home, he continued the oral waterworks. So, I pulled out a vibrating teether shaped like a bunch of grapes that I've had at the ready for a few weeks. I worked the bottom grape into his mouth and he started gnawing. It was like watching someone who's really thirsty finally gulp down a cold glass of water. After biting down hard enough to make the teether vibrate a few times, a slight look of desperation came over his face, saying, "What is that?" or "Do it again! Do it again! Do it now or this lady's gonna hear it about it." When he pulled away from it, he would go after it with a shaky fervor, his mouth not able to clamp down on the teether quick enough. I think out little guy is teething. The 4-month hits just keep on comin'!

Intensity in ten cities

Phantom Cries, Multitasking, and Sleep Training: Night 8

2012-01-12T20:48:00.003-07:00

Night 8 of sleep training - Z put 'Rad down for his nap tonight. I'm not going to say anything good, but I can't say anything bad about it either. Let's just say we didn't have to watch the clock at all tonight and I'm becoming a more firm believer in sleep training, Ferber-style. We even put him down when he was just fussy and not rubbing his eyes or yawning like he usually does. *fingerscrossed*

I've become so attuned to listening for 'Rad's cries that I hear phantom ones when I'm in the shower, watching TV, or otherwise not right next to him. Any unfamiliar sound is transformed in my brain so that all I hear is Connor in distress. He's not really a "crier," but he has definitely become noisier in this fourth month. He continues to babble in the middle of the night and about a half hour before breakfast; his little left hand sometimes scratches the crib mattress when he's in bed and you can hear it echo through our narrow hallway; I told you about his affection for and mimicry of Katy Perry; and he's become a more liberal laugher, which is awesome. In 16 days he'll be five months old, and who knows what that next 30 days of his life will bring. One thing I know for sure that will accompany that turn of the calendar page for him will be the introduction of solid foods. Oh, the drama!

It snowed all day today. In Wisconsin you'd think that wouldn't be a big deal, but it is, ridiculously so. So, we were about 30 minutes late picking 'Rad up. Amy and her family are awesome so it wasn't a big deal, but I realized what a huge bullet we dodged by having such a mild winter thus far. That's not to say that more snow won't fall and there won't be other days where we'll be late, I'm just grateful that we've been so lucky to not have had to battle snow drifts and bad driving conditions (and bad drivers) to rush home and pick up 'Rado, because if that were the case I'd be a nervous, rushed mess. Not a good thing to be on the road or in the car or in any enclosed space.

Speaking of being rushed, I'm in a constant state of rush that I just can't shake. I rarely allow myself to do one thing at a time; all tasks have to overlap whenever possible. If I'm brushing my teeth I might also be packing my lunch bag. If I'm cleaning the bottles, there could also be something simmering on the stove for dinner. If I'm petting the dog, I'm also shaking a toy or rattle for 'Rad's amusement. I don't say this because I'm exceptionally efficient; I think I'm a bit cursed. I'm not able to slow down and give full attention to any one task. Is this the point where I should start meditating or doing yoga or some other similarly-mindful exercise? I'm not sure if I'll have time. Unless I can be folding laundry at the same time...

A Sleep Training, Nervous, Haze

2012-01-11T21:54:00.000-07:00

Night 7 of sleep training - moving on up to the 12-15-17 minute sequence. After about 9 or 10 minutes, 'Rad started quieting down, and I cautiously speculated that I might be in the clear. But 2 minutes later I headed back into the nursery where he had started massaging his vocal chords again with a hearty, robust cry. All I had to do was pop his baba in, rub his belly for a second while telling him it was naptime, and I haven't heard a peep out of him since. We are a slave to the baba, which makes me feel a little guilty for letting him cry when I could easily quiet him down with it, but the baba isn't the end all be all of soothing the Rad, so we'll keep on keeping on.

Yesterday morning on my drive into work, I saw a burpy cloth draped over my shoulder out of the corner of my eye and thought nothing of it. Only when I turned to actually look at that white square on my shoulder did I realize that it was a patch of sunlight - as if it would have been logical for me to wear a burpy cloth over my shoulder in to work anyway. What struck me about it though, was how that didn't seem illogical. Not at all. I could probably walk out of the house with part of my nursing bra unclasped, a bib or burpy cloth casually slung over my shoulder, and schmurp stains on my pant legs and not either realize it or care. I'm not sure if that's a testament to my exhaustion or just a passage of motherhood. It'll happen, I'm sure of it.

The past two days I've had 'Rad by myself while Z was at school. I'm happy to report that on neither of these days have I felt the anxiety and semi-panic that would often befall me when the prospect of taking care of Connor alone loomed. It's a conscious effort to not let myself get to that frantic point, and ironically it was achieved by not thinking about it too much. It seems ridiculous to me that I get nervous about taking care of my own kid. But I find myself being nervous about a lot of things lately. I don't want to be nervous about taking care of 'Rad, though; it's time that I enjoy and wish I had more of.

Use Those Legs

2012-01-10T20:08:00.004-07:00

This weekend I learned that 'Rad, like his mother, is a fan of Katy Perry. I put Teenage Dream in the CD player while we were cleaning up the house this weekend and the little guy started singing along in his long-vowel baby way. And not just for one song; he kept up the backup vocals from at least Friday Night to Firework. It made me love the dude even more. Sure, he might not enjoy the swanky swinging sounds of the Rat Pack like his mom, but we can bond over some KP. While driving him to daycare yesterday morning, I popped the CD in the car just to see if I could get an encore of Saturday morning's performance. As my nephew would say, Bingo! He gave us a little reprise before we pulled up to Amy's house, and I headed off to work a happy mama.

Tonight was night six (I think) of sleep training, and so far not bad. We moved from waiting five, seven, then 10 minutes before checking in on him if he was crying to 7-10-12, and now 10-12-15. On the first few nights we hit the max 10 minutes and had to repeat it a few times before he went to sleep. But over the most recent few nights, tonight included, we haven't even made it to the max number of minutes, which makes me feel better and gives me hope that we're making progress. Z started school tonight, so I put 'Rad down to sleep all by my lonesome, and burgeoning strong mother that I am, I held tight and didn't check on him before the 10 minutes were up. As Rosie the Riveter says, "We can do it!"

'Rad is really digging his legs lately. Using them, that is. If you support him under his 'pits, he'll bounce like his legs are springs. Sometimes he'll prod you to do his bouncing for him and won't be happy until your arms feel like lead from moving him up and down, up and down. He likes flying through the air and looking down - it's almost a guarantee that you can get him to smile if you position his little moon face hovering above your own.

Those legs aren't only getting stronger, they're getting longer. This isn't the best picture, but a few weeks earlier his tip toes would barely touch the ground.

Today, he was using those tip toes and the balls of his feet to push off of the ground and, you guessed it, bounce.

This pic is just thrown in because it really displays 'Rad's jowliness. Num num num num nummm.

With the prospect of less pumping on the horizon and the time that will free up, I've been seriously thinking about how I can fit some fitness into my life. It's not just the movement that's appealing, it's the indulgent "me time" that working out allows that has me racking my brain as to where I can fit that time in (well, even that is a bit of a lie because I think that working out will make me a better mom). Morning seems like the only logical time, although a rushed jog on the treadmill at lunch is a possibility. I'd like to try some yoga - I have a stash of DVDs to help me get centered and maybe get a toned tush in the process. A good run would do me some good, too. If you have a solution to this scheduling problem, I'd love to know.

I'm back to feeling like a bit of bitch when it comes to Z. The dude does nothing wrong, but I find myself getting snappy or being intolerant with him for no reason at all. Are those crazy post-pregnancy hormones still swirling around in my system, causing all the fuss? Am I just short-tempered now, most of my patience and energy focused on 'Rad-a-dude? It sounds like such a vintage way of thinking, but I want to be a better wife, just as I'm working on being a good mother and a sane person. That doesn't mean that I plan on warming Z's slippers before he puts them on in the morning, but I think relearning how to be myself with him is a reasonable goal.

Time Warp

2012-01-09T22:09:00.000-07:00

For some reason, time has been running away from me quicker than I'm used to. Evening preparations for the following day and play with the 'Rad eat up most of the time I have at home. The laundry is sitting, clean and wrinkly, in the hamper in the basement. I actually have my lunches for the rest of the week packed up in the fridge. 'Rad's bottles for tomorrow are made up and bagged in the fridge for Z to bring to Amy in the morning. And my little guy is fast asleep in his green pajamas with giraffes on the feet, a baby bundle of cuteness splayed out in his crib.

During the day I think of so many things I want to say to you, but when I get the chance to sit down - if I get the chance to sit down - and tell you all about it, all I can think of is what remains to be done before I go to bed (giving my teeth a good scrubbing in preparation for my dentist appointment tomorrow) and what awaits me tomorrow (hopefully more motivation at work).

We did our sleep training today and I think it's getting better both for me mentally and for 'Rad. We moved up to 10-12-15 minute checks-in when he's crying, and tonight we only had to stop in after 10 minutes to essentially give him is baba. I think we could avoid the 10 minutes of crying by just popping his baba in and hoping his little mouth holds on to it long enough for him to fall asleep, but I think waiting it out may help with his reliance on that plastic and rubber contraption, which would be a god send for us. I'm glad that his pacifier pacifies, but good lord child, can you keep it in your mouth long enough to soothe yourself before popping it out and promptly freaking out? If not, I still love you. And I love watching your little mouth suck on that baba. It melts my heart and makes me just want to eat you for all the delicious cuteness you're bursting with.

I feel like I haven't taken any pictures of 'Rad in a long time, but it's probably only been five days or so. And I even bought a scrapbook and a pad of scrap-booking paper this weekend. It's all with good intent, but we'll see if I make good on it before he turns one or, in the case of my sister, before he turns three (sorry Ann, had to call you out!). The way things are going, that day will come much quicker than I expect!

Being a Train Wreck

2012-01-08T18:24:00.001-07:00

This is pretty much a reiteration of what I told you yesterday, but yesterday I was playing on my Nook (love it, by the way!) and wanted to expand on it today:

As much as I say I don't want to be a slave to 'Rad's schedule, just as I don't want him to be a slave to it, we both kind of are. Me because I live in fear of having a fussy-baby day or, god forbid, more than one in a row (I swear, I'm not scared of dust bunnies or R-rated movies, too), him because he's a baby and routines are the only thing telling him what time of day it is. We may have some tough days here and there because of it, but it's really important to me that 'Rad grow flexible and adaptable. This issue is still on my mind because my sister and her family visited us this weekend, and 'Rad's days were all sorts of off schedule and not typical. But, Z and I don't plan on living a completely predictable, stay-at-home kind of life so I figure it's best to establish that with 'Rad now. Hopefully that line of thinking doesn't come back to bite me in the ass one day.

Since I was hangin' with my sis and out of the house a lot of the weekend, Z got to spend a lot of QT with 'Rad, which is awesome. However, within the past day and half, 'Rad has become hypertuned to Z's voice and presence and for the life of me won't look me in the eye when his dad is around. Am I jealous of that? Hmm...What do you expect? I'm a super-needy mom. I need lots of love and attention from my little guy because he's on my mind 99% of the day.

I'm cool with having him on my mind most of the time; I'm guessing that once you become a mom, that's just how life is. ~~But I hope that over time the thoughts I have of him aren't solely worries about ways I may be messing him up or if he's off schedule or why~~ In spite of that, I have ridiculous wishes of not worrying about my baby. But, I'm pretty sure I'll have plenty of worries about 'Rad long after Z and I suffer through Empty Nest syndrome. Maybe it's better to work on being able to better deal with all of the worries I have and not let them paralyze me or make me more neurotic than I am. There. That seems much more reasonable. I'd also like my super-needy-momminess to go away too, please.

Speaking of being neurotic, do you ever fear that your daycare provider knows how to take care of your child better than you do? Amy doesn't ever seem to have troubles putting 'Rad-a-dude down for his daytime naps, but he's been fighting us on them this weekend. Of course, the nighttime nap is still an issue. Even if the dude is falling asleep in my arms, the moment I lay him down in his crib his little eyelids pull back like one of those freaky dolls sans freakiness. As I type, we are on day 6 of sleep training - which I really only count as day 4 or maybe even day 1 again since he had vaccines thrown in there to throw him off - with 'Rad fighting his exhaustion. I am optimistic that it's working, though. I completely agree with everyone who says that the type of sleep training you do is dependent on your kid's personality as much as your own, and I think this will work for everyone.

Am I a complete train wreck? Neurotic, needy, anxious, restless - I think 'Rad might have lost the mother lotto. Or am I just a new mother? I'm going 50/50 on this one right now.

Dealing With 4-Month Vaccines

2012-01-07T22:10:00.000-07:00

'Rad got his 4 month vaccinations yesterday. I wasn't brought to the verge of tears like I was at his 2 month appointment, but it still wasn't pleasant. I think we dealt with some of the after effects all through the day today. We even gave the little dude his first dose if acetaminaphen today.

I think those shots may have had something to do with the cranky baby we were dealing with today. No solid naps, whining and crying at somewhat-loud voices, a seeming intolerance to the joyful noises of playing children - this is not the baby I'm used to. The little guy really has a personality with some recognizable traits, and I'm glad the more difficult to handle ones aren't part of his normal state of being.

When I don't get oodles of smiles, a few giggles, and at least a smattering of laughs out of him, I feel that I haven't had a good day. Talking to Z about how I need to relax a little more (Iknow, I know, he'll be fine), I realized that all of the energy I used to expend during exercise is now being channeled to Connor, and not necessarily constructively. I really should find a way to fit some workout time into my week.

That time may start to become available since I've accepted and started to enjoy the thought of no longer having to pump. Today I bought 3 gallons of Nursery Water, bigger bottles, and a formula storage and dispensing container. Tomorrow we'll start giving 2 bottles of formula each day and the frozen tubes of milk I've been storing will come in out of the cold until not only my breasteses but my freezers have run dry as well. I'm almost ready to stop pumping all together right now, but since I'm still making something I don't want it to go to waste. Think about it though; 15 minutes of pumping 6 times a day every day for the past 3 months. That's almost 6 days solid. Crazy.

Holiday Recap, Kinda

2012-01-05T20:17:00.002-07:00

So here we are, back at work in a new year after a wonderful holiday break with no more anticipation of a big event or vacation. Yeah, it's been a hard week. It's times like these that I think, "The more this (extended periods of time with the 'Rad followed by a return to work) happens, the easier it's got to get." I've adapted that thought to most things nowadays, and it tends to make them seem more bearable and less permanent.

Becoming a new mother seems like a good time to adopt a new religion or create one that's forgiving, motivating, and supportive enough to get you through tough times and just normal days, seeing as "normal" days are mixed right up with every other kind of day you might have. I don't find myself praying to any sort of higher god very often, but I do catch myself saying prayers in mind mind to some persistent existence, some something out there that might help me win the lotto or get a promotion or raise the smartest, best, most incredible child the world has ever seen - you know, the usual stuff.

Something must be listening, because even though I have yet to win $100 million or become the president of the company, I think I have a pretty rad kid. He was awesome when we stayed at my parents' house for the week and Z had to head back to work. We spent quite a few hours in the car, which, thankfully, he seemed to enjoy.

This has got to be one of my favorite 'Rad pics

He got to don all of the different Christmas outfits we got for him (damn you, Target! I'm a sucker for your baby clothes!), too. He enjoyed his holiday pjs. He showed Grandma and Z's family the outfit we bought him for the family holiday picture. He even put on a tux for the party my parents threw on Christmas Eve (his first Christmas Eve and his first tux). I'm in love with that tux. I think we need to throw a fancy soiree just so we can show him off in it since he'll only fit into it for a couple more months. I'm in serious need of some scrap- or photo-booking after the holiday break.

These pjs had reindeer-head feet. So festive

I'm proud of this year's holiday pic. Then there were four!

He may only be 4-months old, but he's quite the dapper gent, ready to party

All partied out

During the break we also had our first experience with formula, and it was a stressful one. I didn't know until too late that the well of me was starting to dry up, so while we were out shopping with my family, 'Rad started getting hungry and I didn't have a bottle of breast milk ready to offer him. I took him to the dressing room at Gap Kids to feed him, but the moment I put him to the boob he started wailing inconsolably. I tried for a few minutes to get him to latch, but he got even more upset. So, I packed him back into his car seat and went on the hunt for formula.

I bought two different types, mixed them up in the car, my sister warmed them up under the bathroom faucet at T.J. Maxx, and 'Rad shunned both of them. He was pissed. I finally got him to settle down, took him to the car, and got him to take the boob. The screaming little maniac that I took to the car turned into the sweetest, most smiley baby after he had a belly full. I felt terrible for making him wait so long to eat, and I felt uncertain about how I felt about giving him formula for the first time, even though he only accepted a few dribbles of it.

Later that night I still didn't have enough boob juice to give him, so I warmed up one of the bottles of formula that I tried to offer him earlier. Bingo. The dude just wanted the stuff above room temperature. He took it without question and didn't have any adverse reactions to it. It was against my plan to give him breast milk exclusively for five months, but it just wasn't meant to be; I've started to run out of milk and baby boy needs to eat. I'm still a little disappointed that we didn't make it to the five-month mark, but I am also looking forward to not having to pump 5+ times a day and being able to eat or drink whatever I want without worry. It's time for me to let it go.

I don't have any pictures of it, but our New Year's celebration was low-key and perfect for my energy and motivation level. We stayed home, my sisters, brothers-in-law, and I played Just Dance 3 on the Wii, we all made sure we had coins in our pocket before it struck midnight and shoved grapes into our mouths during the countdown. We even went outside and watched my Danish brother-in-law light of a few fireworks, ducking into the house after each one to make sure no police cars came around to find out what the ruckus was all about. 'Rad was asleep during the whole thing, even through the fireworks which were lit off very close to the room he was sleeping in.

Here are some quick highlights from our holiday:

And here's a big highlight from today:

Connor rolled over for the first time! Z got it on video and I was running around him in circles, shaking 'Rad's toy and cheering him on. You'd think our horse had just won the race the way I was jumping up and down and squealing with excitement. Goodbye setting 'Rad down on the bed or his changing table without a worry. Goodbye sedentary baby boy. Goodbye world as I know it, 'Rad is rolling around town.

Happy New Year!

2012-01-03T12:05:00.003-07:00

I'm back, baby! Back at work, that is. Please stay tuned for a big post - I'll have pictures and updates and more to share from my awesome pajama-wearing, food-gorging, lazy, Christmas-to-New-Year's week in Michigan. Thanks for hanging in there with me!

Hittin' the Road

2011-12-23T14:16:00.002-07:00

Although I'm frantically rushing around the house, packing the car in preparation for our trip home, I wanted to take a second to write you a message since I'll likely not be posting again until after Christmas.

Yesterday Amy give me a little gift "from Connor" when I picked the little dude up. I waited until Z came home so we could open it together. It was priceless; it was a picture of a smiling 'Rad in a wooden frame painted with his hand and foot prints in white, red, and green paint. There was also an envelope of pictures of our little guy, happy and playing at daycare. It was totally unexpected and completely awesome.

It's such an incredible relief to have a daycare provider that we trust, like, and who seems to like 'Rad back. Z said that Amy's mom even offered to watch Connor for free if we ever needed an evening babysitter as long as we dropped him off at her place. If we were ok with paying a fee, either of her twin teenage sons are happy to drive over and watch him since they seem to have a soft spot for the little guy. At almost 4-months old he's already making an impression, a good one. That's my boy!

Like I said, we're heading home for a very my-family Christmas. I love going home, I love going home for the holidays even more, and I'm ecstatic about going home for the holidays when I get to see my entire family including my sister who lives in Denmark. I feel so elated when I think that in just a few short days we'll all be together around the kitchen table talking too loud, eating too much, and playing games of Scrabble that extend over days. That is the environment I want 'Rad to grow up in and have fond memories of - all of us gathered in the kitchen eating Filipino food and talking and laughing and giving each other a hard time.

I pretty much have the car packed with my huge yellow duffle bag, 'Rad's smaller version of it, a box full of miscellaneous items, Z's backpack, the bouncy seat, the bebePOD, our garment bag, my breast pump, Blue's food, the pack-n-play, the diaper bag, my bag of cross stitch (still need to get the last one done on the ride over!), and my purse. I feel like I've done pretty well with my half-day off, so it's time to finish it up and officially start my vacation. Have a great holiday with yourself, your loved ones, and your little one if you have one!

4 Days Until the Big Day!

2011-12-21T21:16:00.003-07:00

Today Z picked 'Rad up from daycare while I braved a couple of strip malls in honor of a modest Christmas gift exchange between Z and I. I can't remember the last time I had that much 'Rad-free time. It wasn't time without stress, but I felt a sense of leisure that I hadn't felt in a while. It was nice. I perused some stores, found what I was looking for, didn't have to wait in too many lines for too long, and came home in time to put 'Rad down for his nap. I'm feeling good today.

My current state of mind is surprising given the fact that a little after midnight, Blue boy decided to hork up the bunny guts he ingested about an hour before. I didn't think he still had the killer instinct, but that dog caught himself a rabbit and proceeded to eat it in 15 minutes. So, we woke up to the horrible sound of a dog getting ready to barf in our room, which he proceeded to do in three distinct piles. It looked disgusting. It smelled disgusting. It was disgusting. Needless to say, our bedroom carpet will need some heavy steam cleaning or, even better, to just be replaced all together. Bunny barf in cheap shag carpet just don't mix well. Actually, I don't know if either of those things mix well with anything at all.

As promised, I got Connor's first visit with Santa pictures. Here's a little photo strip of them:

Looking at these pictures, I wonder if we need to start putting shoes on 'Rad. He's not walking anywhere, but his bottom half looks under-dressed in this picture for the 30 degree weather; Z had put our little man in much too little pants.

I picked up some 6-monther twill pants and jeans for him today. For some reason, putting denim on his baby bottom half seems like a momentous occasion, one that ranks right up there with eating his first solid food and saying his first word. I should have gone all out and gotten a sport coat with elbow patches and an oxford shirt - his first sophisticated, complex man outfit.

I'd love to mull through my thoughts a bit more, but there's pumping to be done, laundry to throw in the dryer, and a Babes na Babes (another nickname!) to feed. Night!

5 More Days 'Til Christmas!

2011-12-20T19:46:00.000-07:00

Zach is out skiing right now. There isn't an abundance of snow (or any snow, really), but he wanted to help our friend Andy warm up on the slopes before heading to Colorado in a few weeks. Skiing has always been Z's escape, his form of meditation. He's always the most excited before, the most focused during, and the most relaxed after a day or a few hours shushing downhill. I'm glad that he has this opportunity to find his center again.

But then I wonder, when do I get to find my center again? And what will get me there? I've thought about yoga (which I've dabbled in but never latched on to), running (which I love to do but can't figure out how to fit it in), knitting (which I don't have the focus for), and working out (again, scheduling issue). I'd really like to pick up at least two of those four, but when I think about doing any of them I'm either doing work around the house and don't have enough energy for any of it or I sit back down on the couch, exhausted by the thought alone. I think I would benefit from meditating or yoga the most at this point since I'm such a tight ball of nerves and worry. When I imagine myself in corpse pose though, breathing in and out to some sitar music, I just imagine the anxiety I'll feel just waiting for 'Rad to wake up from a nap and derail me on my journey to zen. Whenever I'm around 'Rad and he's sleeping I always feel anxious about him waking up. I'm not sure why, since I love playing with him and being with him so much. Another weird Jojo mommy-ism on my part, I'm sure.

So today, Amy and I decided to move 'Rad to a twice-a-day napping schedule when he's with her. I was convinced that teething was what was making him so cranky and irritable, but maybe I'm wrong. He took two great naps today (yes!) and was a lot of fun when I got him home. Having a baby is like trying to balance a scale. Make one wrong move, shake one side of the scale a little too much or put one gram of too much weight on one side and everything gets thrown off - you and baby. Right now, the balancing act is making me cautious and nervous. I hope that in time it will make me, well, more balanced and confident in my ability to play with the scales a bit.

INSERT FIRST PICTURE WITH SANTA HERE

Coming soon!

We got 'Rad's first pictures with Santa yesterday and it was a success! He didn't cry and he barely fidgeted. But he didn't really smile or coo either. He was cautiously sizing Santa up, and that worked just fine for us and the camera. I was hoping to have those pictures on hand to show you. Soon, my pretties!

To keep your interest, I feel like I need to insert some picture here. So, I'm going with this year's holiday picture, inserted in every Christmas card that we sent out. On Monday. I think that's an improvement on last year when we didn't send any out at all. Without further ado...

Here We Go: 6 Days To Christmas

2011-12-19T07:51:00.002-07:00

Last night 'Rad had what I consider his worst meltdown in almost 4 months. His fussy time of day is around 4-6pm (when we're typically picking him up from daycare), and he kept the status quo yesterday. I fed him around 3:45 and the little man didn't take a nap until almost 7:00, ~~and only that after at least 10 minutes~~ (I'm not sure what I was thinking when I wrote this. He was inconsolable for at least 45 minutes) of crying, gasping, wailing, and sobbing on his part and a lot of rocking, shushing, and swaddling on Z's part. Ten minutes doesn't seem to bad, but that's only when it came to a head after being fussy and poopy-faced most of the evening. He was no angel on Saturday either, but Sunday was much more memorable. Why, C-rad, why? I just want you to be well rested so you can grow up strong, smart, and, well, well rested.

He woke up smiling today, so hopefully we can all just move on and move forward. And by "we" I mean me. Connor has no memory of throwing a fit, he's just dealing with the residual tiredness. Z knows that 'Rad is just a baby and that's sometimes what babies do - no biggie. I, on the other hand, of course feel terrible, like his not going down for a nap has somehow planted the seed in his baby brain that mom isn't that good of a mom. She's actually pretty clumsy and clunky and not very skilled. Not that I'd be able to argue that point with him very well. The one thing that I can rely on is that I love the kid and whatever I do is going to be because I care about him. At this point, I'll take intent over method until I learn better.

Today we're going to get 'Rad's picture with Santa. I was never a believer in the jolly fat man, but he's so much more fun to me now that 'Rad is around. Talula is holding a fundraiser for the Dane County Humane Society and since it's nearby, affordable, and for a good cause, we thought it would be a great reason to avoid the germy, expensive Santa at the mall. This isn't what he's wearing when he sits in the big man's lap, but if we were to take a trip to the North Pole, this is how 'Rad would roll:

Yes, you've seen this little snowsuit before, but yesterday was the first day we put it into use. 'Rado loves it! I laid him in it, zipped him up, and stuffed him in his car seat like I was putting a stuffed animal into a tea cup and he didn't move or make a noise. He was perfectly content being my fleece-lined starfish, and he was warm and cozy to boot. We even gave him his first taste of snow by rubbing a little of the white stuff on his cheek. The babe is cool with winter. Thanks again, Auntie T!

Since announcing to my family that we weren't going to be buying anyone Christmas gifts this year (besides the cross stitches), it has been a pretty stress-free holiday. No worries about finding the perfect gift, no concerns about money, no wondering if a package will deliver in time. Nada. It's nice, and I'm still looking forward to spending time with everyone. I'm sure once presents are being given and opened I'll feel a pang of guilt and maybe a little regret, but that's just where we're at this year and making a formal announcement has taken some of the pressure off. Here's to a stress-free holiday (and holiday prep) for all!

Settling in on Saturday

2011-12-17T18:06:00.001-07:00

I woke up to the season's first layer of snow, a happy hubby, a very vocal baby, and a Blue Boy on the bed with me. After having a cup of coffee and hanging out on the couch, we headed out and were running errands from 10 this morning until 3:30 this afternoon. Let's see how we fared on checking things off our to-do list:

Get diapers for 'Rad (I'm afraid that he'll soon be moving up to size 2s and we'll be left with two half-opened boxes of diapers - one at home and one at Amy's) Big ole' box of size 1s purchased

Get 'Rad's first Christmas pictures taken with Santa (preferably a nice, non-mall, relatively clean Santa) Going to do this on Monday at the Dane County Human Society Fundraiser

Finish putting plastic on the windows Hope to accomplish this tomorrow

Start getting things together for our trip home for the holidays Emptied the new diaper box and started putting things in it

Organize my Avon order, make deliveries, and mail out a few catalogs (want one? Just let me know!) Thought about organizing my order, scheduled a delivery tomorrow, and will mail the catalogs out on Monday (uh, I will only wait so long at a post office)

Go grocery shopping Check!

Get a hair cut (I think a new 'do is in order) Double check (and it's sassy! (that's obviously not me in the photo))

Take a shower (yes, that needs to be put on the list. Nowadays, taking a bath feels like an admittedly sporadic luxury) Done

Finish the last cross stitch, frame all three, and wrap them up holiday-style Not done, not done, and also not done

Order and pick up copies of our annual staged holiday photo Chizzeck

Write our end-of-the year Christmas card letter One sentence written

Get holiday stamps See comment above regarding mailing out Avon catalogs

Take the last three items, stuff them into or apply them onto an envelope along with our Christmas cards, and mail them off into the wild blue yonder. Or off to MI and CO, at least Hope to get this done on Monday

Will my breakout to go away Does bothering my pimples count?

Trim 'Rad's nails Just got him down for his first real nap of the day. Right now, his nails are the least of my worries

Give the dog a bath Maybe tonight?

Find Z a Christmas gift (so far the only request he's given me was for a Shop Vac. Needless to say, I'm not giddy with excitement about buying one, but if that's what he wants...) Not done yet

As great as it was to get so much done and check things off of the list, 'Rad suffered for it. We completely threw him off of his schedule, so this evening he was fussy and wouldn't go down for his nap. He just fell asleep 10 minutes ago after catching maybe two hour's worth of Zs today.

But we made an important decision today, and one that seems completely obvious now that we see it: To stick as close to Connor's schedule as possible, not matter what we have planned. I don't want him to be a complete slave to his schedule, as I don't want to be either, but I know that that's selfish and that he's a baby who needs routine and that he's a Virgo who cries for the same. So instead of just flying by the seat of our pants with the only framework being that he eats every 3 hours, we'll try to make sure that he eats at the same time every day. If he gets a little off we'll try to get him back on schedule. We'll try to play with him and do our tummy time and read our books around the same time every day. We'll try to put him down for his naps around the same time every day. Pretty commonsensical, right? Yeah, I don't have a lot of that.

When days like this happen, I worry that I'm purposefully depriving his baby brain and body of the essential sleep they need to grow big, strong, and smart. These days don't happen too often, but are they happening often enough to have some lasting effect? When I voiced this concern to Z, his response was, "If I had a nickel for every concern of yours..." My retort: "If I had a nickel for every concern of mine that wasn't a concern of yours..." I think we're a good yin and yang in life and for 'Rad. As crazy as I may sound, I think I've come a long way since his days as a newborn and I hope to continue to move to the middle ground. Actually, I'd be ok if I don't make it to the middle ground as long as I find the confidence and make solid decisions about how I want to raise the 'Rado.

I think I may be a long way from getting that confidence in being a mother and in being myself, but those are goals that I'm consciously working towards. My new 'do is a step towards, as Z said, getting my groove back. I hit a little rough patch there, and I'm not out of the woods yet, but my goal is, whenever those rough patches hit and throughout my whole life, to always come out a little further ahead each time I rebound. I think I'm a bit of an optimist, so raise a glass!

Friday. Finally!

2011-12-16T21:25:00.001-07:00

As happy as I am that it's Friday, thinking about what I'd like to accomplish this weekend makes my head spin. On the list:

Get diapers for 'Rad (I'm afraid that he'll soon be moving up to size 2s and we'll be left with two half-opened boxes of diapers - one at home and one at Amy's)
Get 'Rad's first Christmas pictures taken with Santa (preferably a nice, non-mall, relatively clean Santa)
Finish putting plastic on the windows
Start getting things together for our trip home for the holidays
Organize my Avon order, make deliveries, and mail out a few catalogs (want one? Just let me know!)
Go grocery shopping
Get a hair cut (I think a new 'do is in order)
Take a shower (yes, that needs to be put on the list. Nowadays, taking a bath feels like an admittedly sporadic luxury)
Finish the last cross stitch, frame all three, and wrap them up holiday-style
Order and pick up copies of our annual staged holiday photo
Write our end-of-the year Christmas card letter
Get holiday stamps
Take the last three items, stuff them into or apply them onto an envelope along with our Christmas cards, and mail them off into the wild blue yonder. Or off to MI and CO, at least
Will my breakout to go away
Trim 'Rad's nails
Give the dog a bath
Find Z a Christmas gift (so far the only request he's given me was for a Shop Vac. Needless to say, I'm not giddy with excitement about buying one, but if that's what he wants...

Anything requiring us to leave the house has to be accomplished within the 3-4 hour window 'Rad gives us between feedings. We haven't had great luck with warming bottles at restaurants, and the car bottle warmer we inherited has been rolling around the floorboards of the car after we tried to use it once and it failed miserably. It's like the Amazing Race - how many tasks can we complete before 'Rad beats us to the finish? I'll give you a full photo report before the Monday morning alarm rings!

Thinking Through Thursday

2011-12-15T20:07:00.000-07:00

I'm not quite sure how to be a mom and a worker bee. In the land of 8-5 those two things seem mutually exclusive. Before I had C-rad, I knew exactly how to take care of my business at work; an unstoppable force of customer service. Then, I went on maternity leave and I didn't know what to do with this new being, this baby who was completely dependent on me. Since going back to work, I've been stuck between those worlds, or they've decided to switch positions on me.

At work I feel disconnected, knowing what I have to do but just not being able to put myself or my thoughts 100% into it. It's like getting a new pair of glasses or putting on a pair if you've never had to wear them before - I feel a little dizzy, off-balance, and the world just doesn't look right. Home is now where I feel more competent, but my hours here feel more like work hours, like I only get to be here for finite period of time and my office is really where I live. It's a confusing and damp feeling, one that's been trying to worm it's way into my consciousness for the past couple of weeks. I can't think of any immediate way to help alleviate it, so I'm going to just try to feel it for what it is and then battle out of it. It's just a double-whammy because I've been comfort eating through it, and we all know that at this time of year there are plenty of baddy goodies to gobble up and feel bad about later.

It also doesn't help that the magic elixir that once coursed through my veins with my pregnancy seems to be wearing off. I'm starting to break out when I hadn't had a zit in almost a year, the hair that I once flaunted is starting to fall out (not in startling amounts, but more than before), and I'm reminded of my soft, worn-pillow-like stomach whenever I see an ad or commercial for holiday fashion. I wear the same seven pieces of clothing to work each week. The state that my hair is in when I wake up is how it is all day long until it starts to wilt like an overdone souffle. I wear socks and stockings that have holes in them. I'm not asking for a glamorous life, which is a good thing because that ain't what I got.

These guys are what makes it all bearable:

It's totally hokey and lovey-dovey, but it's true. I love the way both of them smell - one with a mature musk (he doesn't smell like a farm animal, if that's what you're thinking) and the other with that incomparable baby scent. I love going places with them - one is a great driver and travelling companion and the other provides the in-car entertainment and car cabin cuteness. They both have irresistibly kissable faces and while I enjoy picking one of them up, I like that the other can pick me up. We all have a wonderfully symbiotic relationship and it's one of the few reliable, consistent things in the world. I don't know where I'd be without family.

Windy Wednesday

2011-12-14T06:52:00.000-07:00

Life has been pretty ordinary lately, which now means busy, jam-packed, and tiring. Home life is hectic and work life is filled with moments of inspiration interspersed with periods of malaise. I often worry about my capacity to have more than one kid if having 'Rad alone is enough to drain all of my resources. But I love the beejeeus out of him, so maybe that's enough reason to have another little human being down the road to stress over, fawn over, and love up on.

An oldie but a goodie - I'm not sure how old 'Rad is in this picture

Christmas is less than two weeks away and I haven't done an iota of shopping. Honestly, I'm not sure if I'm going to do any. I gave my family fair warning that there may not be any gifts for the nieces and nephews from us this year due to 'Rad's arrival and the astronomical costs of day care. They understand, but it bums me out not to have the gift that I know they'll freak out about. I'm really excited about my cross stitches, though. They're turning out really well and I'm proud of the fact that they're a Jojo hand-made original. I have 2 of 3 done. I'm just stalling on the design for my oldest sister and her family because there's SO many of them. Ok, there are only 5 people in their family but that's enough for me to complain about.
So, I told myself earlier this week that I need to cut back on the sweets. Not just because I feel like I'm reprising the whole eating-for-two thing without being pregnant, but because I just feel crummy when I cram sweets down. My weakest time for them is in the morning because I just love something sugary with my a.m. coffee. Yesterday I did well. Today, I'm still at my desk before work nibbling on an espresso chocolate. Does it count when my sweet IS my coffee? There's got to be a loophole in there somewhere...
I've been terrible at taking pictures of Connor lately. There aren't many photo-worthy moments, really. And the moments I want to remember I take snapshots of in my head so I can file through them at will. Mental snapshot moments are always when he wakes up and gives me that big cresent-moon-eyed smile; when he does the same at night or the afternoon (pretty much any time he's smiling;, when he plays by himself and I can hear him cooing; when we have cooing conversations; and when he lifts his chin, squints his eyes, and gives me one of his developing laughs. I don't know of a yummier kid than my 'Rad. I wish I could suck on one of his chubby cheeks right now! Alas, 8 more hours until stop! Connor Time.

Monday Musings

2011-12-12T20:40:00.000-07:00

I can't wait till 'Rad can put in his own pacifier. When he's fussing in the middle of the night or nap time, it's usually because his baba fell out of his mouth. More recently, he's been popping it out of his little trap so that it tumbles between the slats of his crib and I have to reach underneath his crib to retrieve it. It's quite an endearing display of his burgeoning expectorating skills. A mother couldn't be prouder.

I don't know why, but I still get those pangs of anxiety when I have to take care of 'Rad on my own. It's ridiculous because I cared for him alone for 7 weeks while on maternity leave, and I know I've woe is me-ed about this before, but it's a feeling that still creeps up with something as simple as dropping his off at daycare on my own. I don't know why that comes to mind as I'm sitting at home with him napping, but I'll have to deal with that anxiety tomorrow when I drop him off and pick him up from daycare.

I think it's part of that motherly guilt, about being worried that I'm not playing with him enough, playing with him too much, and when it's just me and him there's no one else to take that pressure off. But that doesn't really stand to reason because I feel the same way when Z is just a few feet away. The guilt comes on the strongest when I just let Connor play by himself. I know it's important to give him that time, and it's good for me because it allows me time to do little chores around the house, but then my mind starts wondering...How much alone time is too much? How much should we be reading books and playing with educational toys versus time just talking to and playing with him? What about tummy time? And I don't want him spending too much time on his back for fear of the flat spot on the back of his head gaining permanency...It's exhausting and I'm whipping myself into an unneeded frenzy.

Any concept I formed about the type of parent I would be when I was pregnant has seemingly gone out the window. I remember saying I wanted to parent "organically," that I would just go with the flow and make decisions as needed. Part of the present me wants to go back and slap the past me for saying that, not because it's a bad way to parent, but because I don't know if that's my personality. Then there are times that I feel I'm doing just that and it feels pretty good. It feels good to do things my way and not look too heavily to others for guidance. I try to process any advice I get, but in the end the decision is all mine. It feels like jumping off a cliff on a sunny day, seeing both the beauty and the craggy rocks below, and only once in a while realizing that you have a parachute. I've never been the brave type, but I think it takes a whole hell of a lot of bravery to be a mom.

Sunday Morning Love

2011-12-11T07:21:00.001-07:00

It's only 8:30 in the morning and I've already learned something - Chicago did a rendition of "God Rest Ye, Merry Gentlemen." It's a fantastically terrible version of traditional Christmas carol, done up in true Chicago style. I'm not sure why I'm so surprised that Chicago did a Christmas album and, as much as I love the band, I'm not sure why I'm so surprised that they did it so awfully. So there you go. I should have known better.

We had a little holiday party last night. Turnout was low, but the company was stellar. There was great, fatty, sweet food, beer bottles and martini glasses littering the kitchen counter, and holiday tunes filling in any nooks and crannies of silence of which there were few. Zach and I scrambled to get the Christmas tree up, wreathes and stockings hung, and garland displayed hours before the doorbell rang, but we pulled it off. Connor was nice enough to let us get this done, and probably because he knew he was to be the guest of honor at our little shindig. Most people entered the house, gave us a warm hello, then promptly asked where the little man was. For most of the night the answer was, "He's napping." But for a little over an hour, he was perched happily in the baby bjorn while we mixed and mingled. We took a very important picture last night, too, but I'm not ready to reveal it just yet. Suspence!

I continue to be amazed at 'Rad's attempts to roll over. He plays in his crib at going from back to belly, even when swaddled into a yummy little baby burrito, and he's gotten quite adept at crunching his legs up to his chest and swinging them to the side. He's so happy and talkative on his back - he must like the way he sees the world that way.

Even though it's only a halfway point, I usually gauge my weekend by how I feel on Sunday morning. It's not a fair test because I usually love Sunday mornings no matter what, but sometimes you have to give yourself a gimme. This morning, like most Sunday mornings, is a good one. I got up with 'Rad, played a little, cleaned his bottles, and am now writing to, watching CBS Sunday Morning, and working on my cross stitches in the shadow of the Christmas tree. I'm excited about the approaching holiday, and the fact that it will be Connor's first and our first as a family. I'm also thrilled that we have chocolate cupcakes and molasses cookies left over from last night. Oh Sunday morning, I love you.

Walk With Me, Talk With Me

2011-12-08T19:05:00.000-07:00

I took this video yesterday, after picking 'Rad up from daycare where Amy had him happily ensconced in a baby carrier - the first time he's been in one while facing out. When I walked up the stairs in her house to pick him up, I saw his little legs chugging away like he was treading water or trying to get up enough speed for take off. Ever since then, his legs haven't stopped moving.

Now that he's happy in his bebePOD or walker, there are almost too many options for what to do with him when we get home from work. I find myself moving him from his walker to the pack-and-play to holding him to rocking him in our glider (did I tell you we got a glider chair to put in his room?) to holding him to squeezing in some tummy time to putting him down for a nap. I hope I don't make the kid schizophrenic with all of back and forth and up and down and stopping this and starting that and stopping that and starting this.

I think he'll be telling me to stop jostling him around soon enough. 'Rado has become quite the chatty Cathy, hopefully not to rival my little 4-year old nephew who has been affectionately dubbed Mr. Chatterbox (this same nephew has, in one instance, mourned the fact that if everyone in the car was sleeping, who was he going to talk to?). 'Rad raises his chin, forming his lips into a perfect little "O" from which any number of sounds may tumble. He's not much of a talker in the car, but on his changing table, in his bouncy seat, when being held - he can draw letter sounds out with the best of 'em.

I'm in love with his little voice and the sounds his kicking legs make when rubbing against his play mat or bassinet. I think that's one reason I get a little edgy when he's napping (even though I cherish this time, too) - I can't hear him. I'll still sneak into his room once in a while when he's napping just to listen to him breathing because it reassures me. I'm being a little over-dramatic about it all, but he's my first baby so I'm pretty sure I'm going to be over-dramatic about lots of things about him.

I'm trying to squeeze everything I can out of the moments I'm with him. Being a working mother really does make me appreciate more the time I have with him. But it does, of course, drastically cut down the amount of time we spend together. So, I'm trying to make the most of it without smothering him or stretching myself too thin. Some people tell me that you find a natural balance once you get your routine set. Someone else told me that it never gets easier and that you never figure out it. I'm going to assume that both are true. That way, I can find comfort in the former, and use the latter to keep my mind open and flexible.

Let's Get Physical

2011-12-06T07:36:00.001-07:00

For such a young guy, Connor's hands look like they belong to an old man, or at least someone 10 years older than him. He has a round baby face, those chubby little extremities that are cutest on the under-15 set, and soft, wispy hair, but his hands seem so much more knowing than the rest of him. Sometimes he balls them into fists, soft yet tightly clenched. Sometimes they open up and bat at a toy or clench onto a thumb. Sometimes they're crammed squarely into his mouth and sometimes he sucks on them and licks them like a lolipop. If hands really are windows to the soul, I think 'Rad might have an old one. Only time will tell.

While we're on the topic of physical features, 'Rad's nose is often subject to the "did he get it from you or from me?" discussion. It's amazing and funny how some people will swear up and down that your baby's eyes or smile is totally like his mom's, while someone else will bet their life on the fact that those same attributes came from dad. I'm terrible at that game. There is only one feature I feel comfortable owning: While he looks white under the lights, 'Rad's tinge of tan comes from me. That's it. His nose, his lips, his thus far laid-back demeanor, does he get that from either of us, or is that all 'Rad? That's another thing time will have to tell us, greedy secret-hoarder that it is.

'Rado has taken to fighting his naps lately, and oh buddy, I am not a fan. He used to be such a good sport about them; if he was tired and we put him down for a nap, he'd happily drift off to dreamland while fuzzy visions of his mobile danced above his head. Tonight though, the moment his little booty hit the crib mattress he was crying and fighting. I know the little bugger is tired, so what's the problem? Amy confirmed that during the day he gets a little "feisty" when nap time rolls around. Of course, since he was once cool with nap time and isn't now, I'm worried that I did something to condition him to dislike nap time. Was he not drowsy enough when I put him down for the past few days of naps? Ugh, motherly guilt and uncertainty, be gone!

Monday Monday

2011-12-05T20:42:00.001-07:00

I've been kind of irritable lately and I can't put my finger on the exact reason why, which is making me even more annoyed. Z is the unfortunate recipient of my irritability, but he either graciously or luckily says that he hasn't noticed. I tend to think I'm being a raging b when no one else seems to notice, so maybe this is one of those situations. But, I really think I'm acting crazy and he's just being nice about it.

Maybe it has to do with the fact that I'm afraid that my milk production is going down (Nina, if you're reading, now would be the time to skip to the next paragraph. Boob talk commencing in 3, 2, 1...). I have taken to only breastfeeding 'Rad once a day - all other feedings are given to him by bottle at daycare or by Z before bedtime. This weekend, since he was acting particularly fussy and hungry a short time after I tried to breastfeed him, I thought, Hey, let's just bottle feed him exclusively. I'll continue to milk the cow, but by bottle feeding him I'll know that he's getting as much as he wants. Ever since then, I haven't been able to yield as much milk from pumping as I did days before.

Buy me a Jump to Conclusions Mat if you must, but I'm a smidge concerned. Hopefully this weekend was just an anomaly and we'll be all good from this point on. I'm making sure to drink lots of water, though, since I didn't down my usual gallon or so each day this weekend and maybe that had something to do with it. The hair on the back of my neck prickles a little just writing about this issue - I don't want to jinx myself - but I think it's important to talk about.

When I started boob feeding 'Rad as a newborn I really wasn't into it. I scoffed at how breastfeeding was revered as important bonding time, maybe partly because I didn't have problems doing it. Thinking of losing the ability to do it, though, saddens me. At first, I thought it would be a miracle if I made it to three months without giving him a drop of formula. Now that we've reached that milestone, I'm pulling for at least six months of exclusively feeding him breastmilk. I really hope I can keep on producing, not only for the bonding aspect but also for the nutritional benefits. And, well, let's face it, for financial reasons, too. Mostly for the bonding and nutrition, though.

"What is that?" you say? That, my friends, is a little sneak peek of the first of 3 (maybe 4) personalized cross stitches that I'm putting together as Christmas gifts. I'm really excited about them and can't wait to work on one for our house. Cross stitching is almost like meditating; all of your attention is focused on this one thing, each step and each motion and all of the details consume you and before you know it you look up at the clock like you've been holding your breath the entire time and find that an hour has quickly passed. It's a great thing to get lost in, and one of the things that I like best about it is that you can go as big or as little with it as you want. I've chosen to go little, 3" high little. Big is overrated.

Awesome

2011-12-04T05:23:00.001-07:00

'Rado has amazed me this weekend. Not only has he begun to employ his bebePOD, he's also moved on to this teddy-bear walker. Sure, in the bebePOD he's a bit of a slumper, and when he's in his walker his feet can't quite touch the ground, but the fact that he is practically able to sit up on his own is astounding. My boy is getting so big *tear*.

For as much as I'm taken aback by these steps into big boyhood, I think Connor is happy that we figured out that he wants his world to consist of more than a play mat and a crib. Yesterday he didn't nap very well in the afternoon, and by early evening he was fussy and inconsolable. We broke out the walker and BAM! He was entranced by the toy bar and the little ball we gave him to play with, tears and crying be gone. I'm grateful that he can't actually use the walker to walk just yet - I still enjoy being able to set him down somewhere and not worry that he's going to get into something or disappear. Plus, our house is anything but baby proofed, so it's as much for his safety as it is for my convenience.

Yesterday I slept in for the first time since going back to work. It was AWESOME. Zigg took over the morning feeding duties and 5:30 am came and went without my looking it in the eye. I woke up around 7:00, happy, well-rested and understanding why my sisters used to scoff at me when they would call at 10:00 am on the weekends and find that I had just woken up. These weekends, by 10 o'clock Connor has been fed twice, I've already had at least two snacks, and some housework or other project has been started. It all makes me wonder how people with more than one kid do it.

Know what else would be awesome? If this weekend we put up our holiday decorations. It's on the to-do list, and as far as I'm concerned it's a priority. I can't wait to see 'Rad's face when we plug in the Christmas lights. He is fascinated with any light, as mundane as it may be (he always stares at the ceiling light when we change him), so I imagine his brain positively exploding when those colored lights start to twinkle and the glittered ornaments.

Is it nuts that when I saw they were having a "Tea and Trains" event at the Madison Children's Museum I imagined taking 'Rad there in the baby bjorn even though he can't really partake in tea or trains? Silly thing is, I hope 'Rad doesn't go train crazy when he's older. I know that I'm fighting against biology on this one, but, to be selfish, while I find riding trains romantic, spending time with Thomas the train and all of his non-personified mode-of-transportation friends sounds so...underwhelming. If that's what 'Rad's into though, that's what we'll do; we'll pack up and head out to the "Tea and Trains" event and I'll enjoy some spiked tea while his little boy brain short-circuits on train cars. Just kidding about the spiked tea part. Right now, anyway.

Friday Beer

2011-12-02T18:22:00.001-07:00

The exhaustion has set me back a bit. I was feeling pretty good about being a mom and my ability to care for 'Rad, but with my mind being as tired as my body, I can't make good, solid decisions (which was always one of my weaknesses anyway) or stick to any of the ones that I finally settle on. Frustration sets in when I realize that I've said one thing to someone that is the complete opposite of what I just said to someone else. I'm pretty hard on myself, and with sleep deprivation taking a role in mucking things up, today has not been one of my better days.

My sentiments exactly

But it's Friday and beer with dinner sounds like a good way to take the edge off. I'm still weary of alcohol since I'm such a breast-pumping freak, but sometimes it does a body good.

Earlier this week I finished Operating Instructions: A Journal of My Son's First Year by Anne Lamott and I absolutely fell in love with it and Ms. Lamott. I admire her honesty and hope I am being just as honest with myself and all of you about how motherhood makes me feel both as a mom and as a person. The situation she's in might not be the ideal, but through the entire book I was jealous of the incredible support system constantly flowing in and out of her apartment. Her mom, her friends, the various people she called "aunt" and "uncle," they were not just a phone call away; they were just steps-out-of-her-door away. I want that for myself and for 'Rad.

Z is an incredible support system, but he's still a guy and as such isn't able to really understand what I'm going through. Being a mom has made the differences between men and women so much more poignant, and I'm not a "women do this/guys do that" type of person. When it comes down to it, we are intrinsically different. I'm not sure if I think we're born with those differences or if we're conditioned to uphold them, but we have to learn to live with them. Having a baby provides a huge venue in which to practice tolerance and acceptance for all of these differences. It's like being in a library in the dark; there's so much to learn and so much knowledge to gain, but when you try to read you can't really make out the words no much how you strain your eyes. I have faith that my eyes will adjust, and I'll be able to start learning.

ESP and N-A-Ps

2011-12-01T07:00:00.001-07:00

On days when Z has class, 'Rad and I share some alone time in the car when I pick him up after work. He usually falls asleep because it's that time of day for him, but I happily babble on to him about my day or life lessons I want him to learn. When we pull into the garage, I'm never surprised to see his eyes closed, purring away like a kitten.

This morning I dropped him off and engaged in the same one-sided banter. When we pulled up to Amy's and I crawled in the backseat to get him out, though, I was shocked to see him still awake. It almost felt like he was actually listening to me, like he had stayed awake to hear how I would end our conversation before we had to part ways. It's so easy to inject meaning into a baby's little looks and sounds and actions, but I like to imagine that what I think he's thinking is actually what he's thinking. I'm his mom. We have that cosmic connection where I can read his mind, right?

It's unfortunate that I can't read Blue's mind. If I could, I would have been able to stop him from scratching 'Rad's head. I feel terrible. 'Rad was laying on a blanket in the middle of the living room floor with me at his feet. Blue came over and started sniffing his face, then gave 'Rad a couple of friendly licks. Connor was kind enough to oblige those canine kisses, and then Blue walked away. But then he turned around, stretched, and pawed at 'Rad's head, leaving a single red welt from the top of his head to his forehead. 'Rad's face immediately turned red and he started bawling. It didn't even last a minute, but aside from the vaccinations he's received, this is the first physical pain inflicted on him by outsiders. I know Blue didn't mean him any harm - his stance implied that he was trying to play with 'Rado. Still, if Blue decides to start being a jerk to his younger brother it's going to make for a long winter.

I know this post isn't visually appealing, and I'm going to blame it on the exhaustion that has finally caught up with me. I've learned to function on six hours light, dreamless sleep, but today for the first time since heading back to work, I feel the need for a nap. Maybe I'll try to take one now that 'Rad's down for a nap...

'Rad's New Tricks

2011-11-30T20:17:00.000-07:00

Connor is drooling a lot these days. Not just after eating, but all the time. During tummy time he coats his play mat with spit, which he promptly rubs his face in. When being held or sitting up, he lets little rivulets of drool caress his chin and slowly drop onto whatever might be below - a shoulder, his bib, the carpet - like too much paint globbed onto a wall. He also enjoys blowing bubbles. They perch on his bottom lip for a few seconds before popping and creating dark spots on the clothing below. He doesn't seem to be aware of any of this, that he's just transformed from a 2-month old to a 3-month old drool machine, but I think it's time to employ his bibs full-time.

He's also started doing something that I love: When I hold him so he's looking over my shoulder, he puts his arms around me - one around my neck and the other over my shoulder. I don't know what it is about it...It seems like such a casual gesture, and I'm glad that he feels that we're on level to where slinging his arms around me is appropriate. Connor, I say sling away! That kid doesn't have to do much to make me fall further in love with him. It's one thing to give him hugs and squish on him, but it's quite another to feel like he's hugging me back.

When he's perched on my shoulder he's also started to grab at my hair; his tight little fists holding a clump of it like a safety line, allowing him to swivel his head around and check out the world that is opening up before him. Now, I've read enough horror stories and been sufficiently warned about this ability, which can be employed to tug on earrings and yank on necklaces. So I hold him comfortably with my stud earrings and bare neck, not wanting to move him too far from me lest he let go and start wobbling around on my shoulder like a punch bag.

'Rad has turned me into an addict. Everything about him is like a drug and I'm constantly thinking about when I can get my next fix. I want more time with him, more of his smiles, more of his grasping little hands woven in my hair, more of his jaunty way of throwing his arm over my shoulder. At work his delicious little face is the wallpaper on my computer screens, and I often take breaks to give it a little peek between e-mails, spreadsheets, and invoices.

I'm not sure who the subtitles are for, but I'm trying to avoid being "that guy" in this Family Guy clip

I'm completely gaga over him, but I think I hide it well. I mean, I don't try to hide hide how wild I am over a 'Rad, but I try to hide how completely crazy coo coo bonkers I can get when I talk or think about him. Remember how I start singing one of the songs I have for him when I step out of the office and head across the parking lot towards my car? That's the type of crazy I want to shield everyone from. If he were a celebrity, I would have a small grotto in my house devoted to him, always lit with candles and adorned with paparazzi snapshots of him and magazine clippings showing him making a quick run to the grocery store or taking the dog for a walk. It's so convenient when a baby's biggest fan is his mother.

On a Wing and a Prayer

2011-11-29T20:11:00.001-07:00

During the course of the day I mentally jot down all of the things I want to remember, that I want to tell you about, when I finally sit down to write it all out. But today, the mental page that I wrote all my thoughts out on either got thrown away or blown away with the gusting wind, so I'm winging it.

It has been in the 30s this week, with the wind blowing and the evening sky as crisp, clear, and breathtaking as a thin sheet of ice. We took a quick family walk around the big loop of our neighborhood, checking on 'Rad every few minutes to make sure he wasn't shivering out of his baby booties. He was fast asleep, so I didn't feel too terrible that I didn't have any winter wear to put him in while we were out. But lo and behold, when we got back to the house I noticed a package sitting just inside the front porch. Big thanks to 'Rad's Auntie Tuesday for outfitting him with his first snow suit!

I freaking love this snow suit. It's not only functional, but it has ears on the hood (you can see them if you look really closely at the second picture)! Put ears on a piece of kids' clothing and I'm sold. When we put him in it, 'Rad lay happily ensconced, graciously letting us coo and fawn over him before starting to fuss. He'll grow to love that snowsuit. I already do.

This came out really dark, but you should be able to hear Z and 'Rad conversing

It's a real juggling act for both Z and I to get quality time with Connor during the week. It's even more difficult for us to both get alone time with him in the same evening. Tonight though, we made it happen. While I put dinner together, Z clucked and chatted with 'Rad, helping him sit up, racking up some tummy-time, and just being a dad with a new baby. Their sounds were beautiful and made me feel so peaceful and happy. It felt, for a minute, like we knew what we were doing and that we were completely confident in being parents. Such a rare feeling but an incredibly important one, even if just for a fleeting moment.

Their voices were especially musical because we didn't have the tv on. I don't consider us heavy tv watchers, but we usually have the boob tube on as background noise. Sometimes we make a quick pit stop on the couch between errands while 'Rad snoozes. Lately though, I've noticed 'Rads eyes drawn to the colors and pictures moving on the tv screen. I try to make sure that he's can't see it, but he always finds a way to crane that little neck around and see what's playing.

It strikes fear in my heart when I see him trying to watch tv, but I have to admit that I'm not willing to completely cut it out of our evening routine. Z and my routine, that is (tv doesn't figure into 'Rad's routine in the least). Does doing what I need to do to be a relaxed version of myself make me a bad parent if it means my kid's first words will probably be "Sheldon," "Leonard," or "Raj"? Ok, so it's not nearly that bad, honestly, the kid doesn't technically "watch" any tv at all, but I am concerned about how much draw the tv has on his little peepers. But, that's all up to me.

Baby Hit the Big 3 - 3 Months, That Is!

2011-11-28T07:08:00.001-07:00

Did I ever tell you that we took 'Rad bowling on Friday? It's a two-year running tradition to go out bowling the day after Thanksgiving when Z's family is in town, and we hit up the Badger Bowl once again this year for some low-key, out-of-the-house, post-Thanksgiving "exercise" (no one refers to it as exercise except for me. Whatever makes you feel good, right?). A friend gave us a portable baby bed - much easier to travel with and quicker to set up than a pack-and-play - and we put it on top of one of the unused tables next to our lanes.

It was the perfect time of the day to play some pin; there weren't too many lanes being used so the noise level was manageable, and 'Rad was happy as a clam looking up at the toys dangling above him while mom shook hands with the headpin and bowled over 100 (always my goal) and dad got a few strikes. I'll put that on my short list of baby-friendly outings that Z and I rarely partake in. The only thing that would have made it better would have been if we had a bowling shirt for 'Rad. Or baby bowling shoes! When do you put shoes on a baby, anyway? He's not going to really need them anytime soon, so do you just buy them for the adorable factor? I feel it's that way with so many baby things.

'Rad is getting a flat spot on the back of his head :-/ I find it disconcerting that there is a medical term for this, but I'm not going to look it up again because it makes it sound like such a serious condition. He's moving his head from side to side as evidenced by the stylin' bald strip around his cranium, so I'm not sure what else I can do. We do tummy time when he'll tolerate it, and I've been trying to hold him so that his little noggin isn't pressed up against the bouncy seat, play mat, or crib too much. But my arms get tired, I need some 'Rad-free time, or I just don't feel like carrying him around like the little trophy that he is - a triumph of biology, careful planning, and straight-up cuteness.

Flat. See?

Today is a big day for 'Rad and company - it's his 3-month birthday! That's right, our little man has moved up in the clothing department; his 0-3 month clothes are getting a little tight, and this weekend I put him in his first 3-6 month onesie. That seems like almost as big or an even bigger event than turning the calendar page on his age. Every day when I pick him up I think, You are a little brick. And every day I think that, I also think, I am a huge wimp. This kid has only just begun to grow, so you better start working on those bis and tris before you drop him on his little Mongolian-spotted bum. Thank goodness I didn't give birth to a 10+ pound baby or else that kid would have a flat ass on top of a flat head. That sounds way harsher than I intended...

Happy 3-month birthday, C-rad! Love you!

Momliness

2011-11-27T08:50:00.001-07:00

Sometimes I get annoyed that I'm the mother. I get up to feed 'Rad at 6:00 in the morning every day of the week. I stay up with him until nap time or his next feeding if he doesn't get tired. I feel like the majority of his well-being - particularly his a.m. well-being - is up to me. Sure, I'm an enabler in a way, but it's difficult to reconcile how much I enjoy playing with him and being with him with how much of it feels like work. An experienced mother assured me that it does not get easier. I appreciate her candor, but I think I would have appreciated a little lie a bit more. This is motherhood, though, so I need to hear the truth so I can start to accept it.

I often forget that 'Rad is not even three months old yet. I have to remind myself that he's not going to be saying "mama" anytime soon, nor is he going to be walking or learning his manners before the year is out. It's amazing how quickly three months can go by and yet how long it can feel. It's also amazing how quickly I feel I've changed in these past few months. Being a mom injects some crazy get-it-done hormones into your veins and every spare moment is filled with laundry, dish washing, pumping, picking up around the house, or whatever else needs to be done. That's not to say that I've purchased all (or any) Christmas gifts or that I make fresh blueberry muffins every morning, but I think it's made me more driven and focused. Ironically, I also feel like my brain has turned to mush and I usually can't remember the plot of the movie I watched last night.

So far I haven't been mourning a lack of "me time," but I know that I need to fit more of it into my day. Strangely enough, doing the dishes or cooking dinner while Z watches 'Rad is a domestic version of "me time." Without any official 'Rad-less time, I've even been able to finish a book that I rented from the library without having to renew it once. I have promptly moved on to this literary gem, given to me by a coworker. I haven't even broken the 100 page mark, but I HIGHLY recommend it. I started reading it at lunchtime at work and was laughing out loud. Anne Lamott's experience is completely familiar but unique, and she can put into words so perfectly the uneasy, true feelings of a new mother. Do yourself a favor and indulge in it with whatever "me time" you get.

'Rad heading to a nap = a little "me time"

Leftovers

2011-11-23T13:18:00.001-07:00

Happy day after Thanksgiving! If you observe turkey day, I hope it was plentiful, delicious, and satisfying.

Connor's first Thanksgiving was an exhausting one for him. He could only stay awake for an hour and half at a time, after which he got overstimulated and went down for 2+ hour-long naps. I can't complain - it worked out well for us. But during those waking hours I was hogging him, making sure my face was the sun in his sky, and just generally fawning over him to what I hope wasn't an annoying degree. I felt very mother hen-ish, holding him, cooing to him, and focusing most of my attention on him when he wasn't napping.

When he was napping, I started embodying my mom. If you've never felt this overlap in generations, it's a really odd feeling. After pushing their chairs back from the dinner table last night, I found myself up and in the kitchen, cleaning dishes, putting leftovers away, loading the dishwasher, and wiping down the counter tops. I was enjoying myself, but all I could think was, "If I do this now, I won't have to do it later when the cranberry sauce and gravy are all crusted onto the plates." I might as well have said, "Let's not eat on the white plates. If we eat on dark-colored plates you won't be able to see the food stains as well." Now, my mother has never said that, but she has advised me against ever buying a white car so that the dirt won't show. I obviously have been thinking about mothers and my mother a lot in general.

I love talking with and reading about strong mothers. For those that I get to converse with face-to-face, I secretly size them up and try to decide if they are someone I want as my mentor. It's all very J.D. from Scrubs-ish. No one knowingly auditions for this role, but if I find the right person I secretly leak my crazy new-mom thoughts to them to gauge whether I'm CRAZY crazy, or just normal crazy. I usually think of myself in the former category, but after talking with some mothers that I admire I tentatively move myself to the latter category, if only temporarily. I love talking with my mother and sisters, but they all know I'm crazy. So, it's a whole new ballgame to let someone who's not blood related into my circle of secrets.

If you've never tried it, I recommend doing the crazy-thought leak test. It's like a barometer to help you gauge exactly how sane you are, or at least how sane other people think you are, or a game where I keep pushing the limits. I haven't noticed anyone clearing out of the break room at work when I go down for lunch yet, so I'm hoping that means that I haven't let too much cuckoo out of the bag. And to be honest, it's not just a game for me, it's just me, clean and simple. With the holiday season in full swing, it will be hard to hide the crazy, so it's probably a good thing that I'm letting it be known now. Christmas, here we come!

The Time Traveler's Post

2011-11-22T21:18:00.001-07:00

I started writing this post last night but didn't get to finish. It may be a little discombobulated, so it's totally my style. Carry on...

(Written at 10:20 p.m. last night)

The first true holiday familial flurry is going to begin tomorrow, so I wanted to get some thoughts down before my head gets completely turned around. It may be a few days before we speak again.

Thanksgiving '09. Gimme some of that bird!

Right now, 'Rad is napping. We'll wake him up in about 10 minutes for his last feeding before bedtime. This is a good time of day because it's when we get the most done at home, but it's also the time that I feel the guiltiest because as much as I want to play with him when we get home, I want him to take a nap in equal measure. Being with him is more important than cleaning the dishes and washing his bottles, but having those chores done puts my mind at ease so I can be with him more fully. That's more true tonight than ever since we had some things to do around the house in preparation for our five guests (four people + one dog).

It feels weird knowing that my parents don't have any Thanksgiving plans and that I'm not going to see them until Christmas. Have I told you how I feel such a stronger pull to be with them since having 'Rad (I think having a baby has short-circuited my memory board)? I do, and any chance I can get to be with them I try to take advantage of. The holidays are always so family-oriented as is, so it comes as no surprise that I'm being sentimental about not sharing Thanksgiving with them. But Christmas is our holiday, so in just a few weeks we'll all be reunited again in one big house with one big, loud, continuous conversation and a few games of Scrabble filling up our days.

(Written at 9:09 a.m. today)

I wonder what life will be like when Z and I own the home that our kids come to during the holidays. I hope that we can offer them the great, crazy, rambunctious, loving household that my parents offer to us during the holidays and any other time we feel like going home. Right now, the home that we have to offer 'Rad is cluttered, a whole lotta furry,

Fur provided by: This guy

a little chaotic, somewhat stressful, but full of love and lots of ooshing. I don't think it's a bad environment by any means, but we can always make it better.

As scattered as the holidays can make me feel, they're also incredibly centering. I've also rediscovered how important physical activity is to my well-being. Yesterday I took Blue out for a 15-minute jog, my first in months (guess I preemptively said good-bye to my running shoes). It was awesome! The cool air cleared out my lungs which I'm certain were circulating stale air, the movement cleared my mind, and the dark quiet of the neighborhood helped calm my nerves. I'm not sure how often I'll be able to fit these little jogs in, but I think I'm going to make more of an effort to include them in my life at least a couple of times a week.

(Referring to 5:53 a.m. this morning)

I got up this morning to manually pump before bottle-feeding the 'Rad. I heard him whimpering, so I started to pump faster to avoid an early-morning meltdown. Plus, I always get a little frantic when I hear him fussing near feeding time. I finished up, went into his room, and found his little foot wedged between the side slats of the crib. I feel terrible; my little man was taken hostage by his bed and I did nothing to help him until I was ready. He wasn't crying and obviously wasn't hurt, but when I got to him he just looked up at me, his eyes saying, "Thanks for coming over. Now are you going to help me out of this predicament or what?" I always want to be there for him, but I have a feeling a lot more of that is going to be happening now that he's found the motion in his ocean and is starting to move more on his own. I think this is when the real fun begins...

Have a great Thanksgiving! Eat a lot, don't feel bad about it, and get a lot of laughs in before the turkey puts you down for a nap.

A "Typical" Morning

2011-11-22T07:03:00.001-07:00

In the morning I pick my way through the living room to turn on the light. This is where I give 'Rad his morning bottle and it's like walking through a landmine field in the dark. I thought I put his bouncy seat to the side of the room against the wall the night before, but I wouldn't be surprised if it popped out into the middle of the room and insighted a nice early-morning tumble. His play mat and toys are usually butted up against the fireplace, but who's to say that our living room doesn't become a haven for misfit toys who spitefully decide to throw themselves at my feet in my morning haze? So far I've gotten through my back-to-work mornings unscathed, but I still look at 'Rad's toys and accoutrement with a critical eye. My feet or shins will likely meet with them someday soon.

After feeding him his morning bottle, the day starts to roll. I either set him on his play mat or put him in his bouncy seat and set him across from the bathroom, where Z and I start getting ready. If he's in his bouncy seat, I stop several times while putting on my face to tickle his chin or get a smile or gurgle out of him (again, I'm an addict). Z takes over from there, changing his diaper and getting him dressed for the day. I'm no fashionista, but I like my kid to be dressed respectably and Z has done pretty well, I must say. Sure, sometimes the socks don't match his outfit or sometimes his pants don't match his shirt, but he's a baby, I get it, and it ain't no thang as long as his body parts are covered and he's happy.

Now comes the fun part: packing up all of his and my stuff into the car and making sure that I'm not forgetting anything. I haven't had a moment where I've left the baby on the top of the car or driven away with him still in his car seat in the middle of the living room, so we can check him off of the list. What remains is:

His milk cooler with three bottles ready for feeding and one small extra bottle in case his inner beastie cries out for more food (I haven't forgotten this one yet. Knock on wood!)
My lunch (During my first week back to work I was 2 for 4 on this one)
My coffee (I would leave my coffee sitting on the kitchen counter even before I was pregnant)
Clean, empty breastmilk bottles for pumping during work (Forgetting these would be bad. Bad for me and bad for the boobies)
My cell phone (I usually remember this one, but it's not always charged :/)
My Avon stuff (I always want to be prepared because mama needs to pay for daycare!)
His baba/binky/nuk/pacifier/whatever you want to call it (Forgot this one once and Amy had to run out and buy some for him. Meltdown!)

Once ALL of that is packed up in the car, we throw (that's right, we literally toss him) into the car and back down the driveway toward Amy's. It's a jetset life we lead, as I'm sure many of you other moms know ;-) What's your "typical" morning like?

Scheduling

2011-11-21T19:38:00.001-07:00

A quintessential baby picture: Open-mouthed 'Rad with a glob of drool ready to hit the floor

Can you really be expected to work at full capacity during the week of Thanksgiving? Especially when you have a desk job? Especially when you have a 'Rad to think about? Especially when a tableful of turkey, cranberry jelly (from the can is the only way to go as far as I'm concerned), stuffing, mashed potatoes, and pumpkin pie are waiting to be brought to life and promptly devoured? Of course you can! I don't know about you, but I do my best work during short weeks when dreams of company and celebration are dancing in my head. Is she joking? Hmm...

I've professed to you my love of Wipeout, but have I sung the praises of The Sing Off? Thanks to the miracle of Charter On Demand and the fortuitous fact that it runs when 'Rad is napping, I've been able to keep relatively current on what bands are still in the competition and those that got das boot. I love singing competitions, but American Idol was never my speed. These guys, however, have my vote. TV time now isn't what it used to be, when Z and I would chill on the couch after work watching whatever came on, eating, and then heading to bed. Oh, no. Nowadays, the tv is background noise while we do the dishes, pack our lunches, play with C-rad, or tidy up. It's still part of our routine, though. I know some people have strong feelings about having the tv on with a kid in the house, but we don't park him in front of it, we try to make sure he can't even look at the screen, and I don't mind it. And I'm the mom. So there.

I don't think I told you how difficult 'Rad was yesterday afternoon. We threw him off of his schedule and misread his cues and paid dearly for it until it was bedtime. So when we dropped him off at daycare this morning I was a little on edge, hoping that he would be good for Amy and that he would jump right back on schedule. I only texted her once during the day to find out how he was doing, but believe you me, I had to sit on my hands to keep from texting her again before it was quitting time. I never expect for him to be troublesome or for anything to go wrong while I'm at work, but I am always relieved when we pick him up and hear that he was fine. Phew.

Of course I don't have a picture of him being difficult, but as the Rookie Moms suggest, maybe I should just so I remember the bad times along with the good.

I think it's the way of the mother to read a lot into the little things about her kid. Maybe my kid made a pretty killer lego building (he hasn't yet; he's not even to Duplo stage yet) = maybe my son will be an engineer. Maybe my kid is in the 95th percentile for height (he's closer to the 65th) = maybe my son will be an NBA star. Along those line, I'm telling you, 'Rad's eyes can be seriously intense. It's as if he really knows what he's looking at and he's taking it in. Judging isn't the right word, but it's like he's sizing things up. I have a feeling I'm doing that motherly read-too-much-into-it thing, but I'm a mom so I'm going to say that that's ok.

What I've Learned as a Parent So Far

2011-11-20T18:36:00.000-07:00

Big news: 'Rad has started attempting to roll over! The big movement hasn't happened yet, but the prospect of it is both thrilling and terrifying. No more laying him down and walking away to do some quick something or other. And all of those straps that come with his bouncy seat and changing table and swing? We're going to have to start putting those to use now. Last night we were cleaning up the house and C-rad was chillin' on his play mat. I stood up from whatever I was doing and spotted him on his play mat, swinging his legs up and trying to flip himself over. I yelled to Ziggy and for the rest of the night we were on watch. If either of us saw movement we yelled to the other. I've learned that when you become a parent, things that you wouldn't imagine as entertainment are exactly that - entertaining.

Today we went over to a friend's house with 'Rad in tow. We had a great lunch, some easy conversation, and watched a little football. It's easy to visit friends when they have a kid and you don't, but it doesn't seem as easy for friends without kids to visit you when you're the one with the kid. I've learned that when you're a parent it's imperative to have friends with kids if you want to keep your sanity.

Before we headed out for our lunch date with friends, we had to get out of the driveway first. That involved loading up 'Rad's diaper bag ("Did you pack an extra change of clothes?" "Yes." "A bib?" "Yup." And so on and so forth), a couple of bottles of milk, his bouncy seat, and the man himself. Might not sound like a huge list, but it always involves a process of double-checks and are you sures? We're semi-pros at it at this point, but there's always the possibility that we've forgotten something. I've learned that you can never be too prepared and that you can never be perfect.

I can accomplish a lot of things during the day - doing the dishes, cleaning up the house, putting in eight hours of work, walking the dog. But nothing gives me as much of a thrill as making C-rad smile and coo. It sounds completely cheesy, but once you can do it, it's like a drug and I'm a complete addict. I've said this before, so I'll spare you my rehashing how his smile lights up his face. And I won't repeat that his eyes turn into sideways crescents when the corners of his mouth turn up. I've learned that when you're a parent, you will do anything to make your kid smile.

Ok, so this isn't him smiling. Still cute though, right?

As much as they can be adorable in their little outfits with their delicious head smells and incomparable smiles, babies can also be the most trying, frustrating little beings ever encountered. What do you do when they're crying uncontrollably and you're exhausted? You get frustrated. I've learned that as a parent, if expletives used to make you cringe you maybe find yourself using them often. Away from Jr.'s sensitive ears, of course.

Having a baby opens your eyes. WIDE. What used to matter before may not matter to you so much anymore. And those things that you never gave a second thought to suddenly become of the utmost importance. The most important thing I've learned as a parent and maybe moreso as a mother so far is that you can always push yourself further; you are stronger and more resilient and can do more than you thought, even when you feel like giving up. I wanted to return Connor when he was three weeks old - being a mom was too hard and exhausting and just not as rewarding and I expected. But the hospital had a strict return policy, and how happy am I that I had lost my receipt?

A Few Things...

2011-11-18T20:13:00.001-07:00

The verdict on week two back to work is this: it's hard. It's harder than I thought it would be when I started last week, it's harder than I thought it would be at the beginning of this week. My focus has taken my motivation hostage and I don't know if I can come up with the ransom. The funny thing is, I don't sit at work and think about 'Rad all day (even though my thoughts turn to him pretty frequently). It's more so that having a baby has put things in a different perspective. Work is wonderful because it helps pay the bills, but it really just feels like work since my sense of being and happiness is now so intertwined with that of one Mr. Conrado Ramone. He doesn't know what I do for work nor does he care. But he does know when Mom and Dad are happy and I want to pass on to him my optimism and not my cynicism.

Z, 'Rad, and I spent the morning with my parents, who were visiting town for a conference. 'Rad wasn't wearing this exact ensemble today, but they did get to see this little guy. Doesn't he completely look like a little man with his track jacket? Man, I could eat that kid up. Num num num. The one thing that saddens me is that his U of M hat is getting a little too tight on his ever-expanding nugget. There will be other hats, but I had to get him started on the "Go Blue!" mantra early. And I'm not just talking about encouraging the dog.

In a few minutes we're going to head out and brave the slice of America that is Super Wal-Mart for our big Thanksgiving shop. Stuffing, green bean casserole, pumpkin pie, dinner rolls, and mashed potatoes will soon be adorning our dining room table then filling our stomachs. What are some of your Thanksgiving staples and favorites?

I'd love to stay and chat, but off we go!

Say My Name, Say My Name

2011-11-17T17:28:00.001-07:00

As I was walking to my car after work today I found myself singing a little ditty that I made up for 'Rad using one of his many nicknames. And as I was singing this ditty I started getting all excited about picking him up from daycare, reaching almost a fever pitch when I sat in my car and could really geek out with the song and freak out about seeing my buddy. Seriously, if anyone had seen me cross the asphalt, smiling and singing and almost beginning to bounce as I neared my car, they probably would have thought I was completely unhinged.

Having a baby makes you sing, whether or not you're musical, and it makes you dance, too, whether or not you have rhythm. The have nots don't matter - it just seems like a universal, biological thing for babies to like being rocked and swayed and sung to. Wouldn't you? I find that it's not only calming for 'Rado (that's a new nickname. Just when you thought there couldn't possibly be any more), but it's just as calming for me. A co-worked noted that when you hold a baby it's like a reflex to start rocking them. That's true for me. It must be part of that maternal instinct that everyone talks about but that I have yet to tap into.

I made an appointment this afternoon, and when I mentioned "my son," those words kept echoing in my head after I hung up the phone. My son. Connor is my son. It sounds so different from saying "my baby" or calling him "kiddo." "My son" sounds so much more official. It's like when you get married and you say "my husband" or call yourself someone's wife for the first time. It's equally strange to thank someone for calling him cute. Sure, I had some hand in creating his beautimous little mug, but I didn't put him together like a Mr. Potato Head, hand-picking his features and assembling them just so. By saying "thank you," though, it's like I'm taking credit for our gene pool. It feels awkward, but thank you.

Sometimes I can't believe that 'Rad is my kid. Not only is the fact that he grew inside me and is now growing in the womb of the world amazing; I have a hard time believing that he's genetically mine because he's such a whitey. We like to make faces in the mirror and when I see us cheek-to-cheek there's a split second when I feel like I'm holding someone else's baby. But then he gives me that full-face smile and his eyes turn to little sideways crescent moons and I think of how proud my dad is that he has "Asian eyes," and I'm proud too.

On an edible note, we got stiffed by our neighborhood Girl Scout. I excitedly signed us up for three boxes of Samoas (my favorite, in case you're taking note *winkwink*) a few weeks ago (luckily, I didn't pay at that time). When I saw her delivering cookies to our neighbors I cleared a path to the front door, unlocked it, and waited patiently. I felt like Pavlov's dog, waiting for the doorbell to ring so I could get my treats. But it never happened. I looked out the window a few minutes later and she was gone! It's not that I need those cookies, but right now I want them. Damn you, sweet tooth! Time to raid the cupboards...

Simplicity

2011-11-16T17:28:00.001-07:00

I don't know when I'll ever have the time or the energy to run again and I now know from personal experience why it is so hard to get the baby weight off. Once upon a time, I ran a half marathon and thought that I would keep racking them up:

Once upon a time, I didn't worry about the after effects of downing a meal like this (note: this was a meal for two):

I'm sure breastfeeding has helped with my postpartum weight, but I am not wild about being so sedentary. It's not like I have a two year-old that I'm chasing around the house. Instead I have an 11 week-old who has just started waking up in the middle of the night again.

Dear running shoes,

You probably won't see the light of day until the days become light again.

My deepest condolences,

Jojo

My weight doesn't usually bother me, but the holiday season always brings a renewed focus to my waist and thighs and arms, all of those parts are typically accentuated or adorned during this festive time of year. Not only are those parts dolled up, but those are the same parts that show how much I enjoy indulging in deviled eggs, turkey, mashed potatoes and gravy, and pumpkin pie. Good thing I'll have my favorite accessory to draw attention to all of the right places: the 'Rad-a-dude.

Every day, his daycare provider fills out a sheet noting when he ate, how much he ate, when he slept, and when she changed his diaper. These are the important things in a baby's life. It is the definition of simple. I want to keep 'Rad's life simple so that he can focus his energies on other things. I want to make our lives simple so we can focus on him and each other. But if simplifying my life pre-C was hard, doing it now is like trying to thread a shoelace through a needle. Is it possible? Maybe it's a matter of redefining the word "simple" to make that goal achievable, because when I think of a simple life I think of one lived in a resort town, on the beach or in the mountains, in the off-season. I imagine my life as it was 10 years ago. But I wouldn't give up the past 10 years for the sake of simplicity.

Here's one simple thing I can pass along to you: a recipe for roasted brussel sprouts. Hear me out, because they are fracking good.

Roasted B-Sprouts

Step 1: Buy brussel sprouts, as many as you please

Step 2: Bring them home and rinse them off

Step 3: Cut off the ends and throw them in a bowl. Toss with olive oil

Step 4: Once sprouts are coated with oil, season with salt and freshly ground pepper

Step 5: Pop them in the oven at 400 degrees for 35-40 minutes, stirring them up once after 15-20 minutes

This is the only way I've ever had brussel sprouts and I lurve them big time. I'm in the process of polishing off over a pound of roasted sprouts. I can't stop popping them!

Daycare Life

2011-11-15T16:24:00.001-07:00

The paranoia in me is saying that 'Rad isn't smiling at me as much as he used to. I am already putting the absentee parent label on myself for being a working mom (note: in no way do I think that all working moms are absentee parents). I am already imagining that he doesn't remember me. It's understood that these feelings are completely ridiculous, but they're menacing nonetheless. When all is said and done, I spend less than three waking hours with him each weekday. It's comforting that when I share this worry with other parents they don't even remember these days, they just know that it gets better. I wouldn't want to not be working, but it's a true catch-22 situation. (Note: After writing this post, 'Rad dropped a cargo container-full of smiles on me. See? Paranoid!).

There aren't as many photo ops during the day because of our limited time together, but I snap them where I can. Here are a few of 'Rad in his pjs, slung over dad's shoulder (I love those baby jowls!):

I try to cram a variety of activities into our evenings, and now that he tolerates it tummy time is one of my go-tos. Not to pat myself on the back or anything, but I think I have a pretty cute kid.

Another bummer about not being home with C is all of the bottles and paraphernalia that I have to wash every night. I've never been the dish washer of the house, but when we get home I fill the sink up with warm soapy water, the bottles he drank from during the day, my breast pump pieces, and the bottles I thawed milk from the night before. It's a gigantic pain in the patella. However, there is something satisfying about having them all cleaned and put away. That is, until the next day. Dun dun dunnnn!

There are some obvious struggles going on between me and my schedule, but I fancy that I've adjusted to my drastic reduction in "free time" pretty well. Right now the house isn't a complete disaster, the dishes (well, most of them) are in the dishwasher, and the dog has been exercised. That just leaves the laundry to be done, the curtains to be completed, my lunch to be made, the coffee maker to be prepped, and the mail to be sorted through. So I've heard. And do I care? Eh. Not enough to get up off the couch right now. You pick your battles, and I'm putting my weapon down for the night.

Everything's Coming Up Rad-a-Dude

2011-11-14T18:58:00.001-07:00

I wonder if I'll ever reach a point where I don't feel the need to check on 'Rad while he's sleeping. Just to make sure I can hear him breathing. Just to make sure he didn't undo this swaddle and pull the blanket up over his head. Just to make sure he's ok. Those aren't the only reasons I peek in on him while he's napping. Sometimes I do it to calm myself because nothing makes everything else disappear than seeing him all burrito-ed up, dreaming his baby dreams, safe and sound in the nursery. I've been popping in on him napping a lot lately. Maybe it's because I need to settle myself down often.

But putting him down for naps isn't what it used to be. Well, I should say nap. Since both Z and I are working, we put him down for one nap before we put him to bed for the night. I feel like he's fighting that one nap because we don't get to see each other as often as we used to when I was on maternity leave. I'm in his face when we get him home because of mom guilt and because I missed him during the day. He's fighting his early evening nap because he hasn't seen mom and dad since the morning. At least that's the story I'm putting to it.

I think my second week back to work is going to be harder than the first. Things at work are slow, so I have plenty of time to think about my Rad-a-dude. I'm proud to say that I feel like I'm still me but just with a baby. It was a big goal of mine to maintain an independent identity apart from my kiddo. Z and I even made a pact to call each other out if we were letting ourselves get swallowed up by babydom. But 'Rad and I have that mother-child bond, which means that I'll never truly be separated from him mentally or emotionally. At least that's what I'm guessing with my 11 weeks of experience. As if I'm some expert. Then again, when it comes to 'Rad I'm as close as you can get to being an expert.

Today I was invited to a parents' group at work. It was such a surreal feeling. Sure, it was just an e-mail asking if I wanted to join this newly-formed group, but what was strange was that I met the only credential: I had a kid. I have a kid. This kid:

My fingers are pinching his cheeks in this picture right now

Remember when you got engaged (for you married gals out there) and all of those bridal magazines were finally relevant, so you went crazy buying all of them before they no longer applied to you? That's what this felt like. Except this will apply for the rest of my life. Sure I want to join your exclusive had-a-kid group! I'm a grown up now! If this isn't proof, what is?

Needless to say, my e-mail response was a bounty of exclamation points. If e-mails could convey dog-like excitement (think panting, a dog "smile," and crazy eyes), mine would have arrived with its tail wagging. After feeling that new-mom isolation and still dealing with the "fourth trimester," being able to talk about all of my concerns in person with a group of experienced parents and hear about those that I have to look forward to would be welcomed.

Through this whole motherhood experience talking about things, writing about things, and giving myself time to think about things has really saved my sanity and helped lighten the burden of feeling the need to be perfect. Thank dog there's no perfect way to parent. That's one thing I like about it - the way you parent is completely up to you and is a reflection of you. You really call all of the shots, and that's one of the scariest (I probably write mostly about the parts that scare me) and most exhilarating parts of the entire thing.

Misplaced Energy

2011-11-13T08:56:00.001-07:00

As much as I love them, some of Connor's little sounds can riddle me with anxiety and worry. His coos, the little grunts and groans he makes when eating, his joyous yelps, those are the ones I love to hear, especially when he's entertaining himself in his crib. But those hungry and tired cries cause some biological reaction in me, and I find myself tapping my fingers nervously as the bottle is warmed or frantically unsnapping one side of my nursing bra or pacing in the hallway while trying to observe the five-minute cry-it-out rule. There is something about him being hungry or getting hungry that really makes me nervous. If we have anything planned for the day, I rush us out the door theminute he's done eating so as to avoid being out and about when the hunger strikes him again. I usually have a bottle of milk on hand, even if we're just venturing out for an hour-long errand. I'm not comfortable breastfeeding in public, I'm not sure if I ever will be, so to avoid any performance anxiety I avoid the public performance all together.

I also have an issue with leaving well enough alone. I'm still like a buzzing bee around 'Rad. Sure, he's happy laying in his crib watching his mobile or staring up at his moose from his play mat, but has he been laying there too long without person-to-person stimulation? Should I be talking to him instead of just letting him enjoy himself (which he obviously is) without my intervention? My main concern here is that he doesn't grow up as socially awkward as I was/am. However, I'm not sure if my method of forcing social interaction on him is really the best way to go. I could just be driving him to introversion by making sure that my face looms like a never-setting sun in his short line of sight. I'm trying to learn to relax about this, but there's always that nagging thought in the back of my mind that he's just too quietly content. I know, I'm a freak.

Since having a baby, my mind has been churning over how I can make his life - and, in turn, our lives - better. A different job? A new career path? Being more thrifty? Learning to let things go? All of these things likely figure into the perfect improvement equation, but they're all so daunting and seemingly impossible. How do you make ends meet without going crazy because you're holed up at home with no extra scratch for some drinks out and a babysitter (we haven't used a babysitter as of yet). How can you get those "if only" scenarios out of your mind when they seem to turn out better than anything else you have going? I love my family and am generally happy with my life, but I feel like I can always make things better. The frustrating part is when it feels like no one else seems to be in on my self-improvement projects. But I'm young, C-rad is young, and we all have a lot of growing and learning to do. I think the best thing I can do now is, as Ghandi said, be the change I want to see in the world. It's a completely overused quote, but a true mantra, especially when change seems like the only thing that is certain.

'Rad teaching us a lesson: How to just chill

Everybody's Working for the Weekend

2011-11-10T18:02:00.001-07:00

Not to toot my own horn here, but I have fabulous hair. Really, it must be those prenatal vitamins. All during pregnancy and even now, two plus months after, I have a lush mop of black hair that has resisted falling out. However, my sister assures me that the day will come when I'm in the shower and boom, I will have a handful of hair where a palm full of shampoo once was. I've heard that prenatal vitamins usually keep your hair from coming out in its normal quantities, and it has definitely done that job for me. Not that I couldn't use a little thinning (I'm typing this while knocking on wood). Before I got pregnant, when my mane was out of control Z would refer to me as "H.O.H.," an antonym for head of hair.

C-rad's hair is one of the most obviously growing parts on him (with the exception of his belly, which inflates and deflates depending on when mealtime was/is). What Zach once lovingly referred to as his George Kostanza hairline is filling in enthusiastically, with hair encroaching on his forehead as it was when he was first born. His eyebrows are filling in, too, making his furrowed brow and other facial expressions that much more emphatic. It's amazing watching his face develop and seeing him work on taking control of it.

Sometimes I wonder how much control I have over my own face. At the end of my first day back to work I can say that it was hard, but not as hard as I thought it would be. That doesn't mean, however, that my eyes don't temporarily glaze over in the middle of meetings. I imagine that at those moments my jaw goes slack and my mouth partially opens, much like 'Rad's does in his baby way. And I don't think that I have much control over my expression when I'm asked what I think about something when I haven't been paying to the context of the question. How many times can you just smile at something or laugh and say, "That's so funny!" before being exposed as an inattentive audience? I think I might be pushing the limits. Good thing it's the weekend.

This is the picture I received this morning on my way to work after leaving Z, Connor, and Blue boy at home for their first boys' day. At the end of the day Zach told me that 'Rad wasn't so smiley all day, but that he wasn't too bad for him and that all in all, things went well. I was glad to hear it, really I was. But I also hope that his day taking care of 'Rad-a-dude gave him a greater appreciation for what it was like for me on maternity leave. Nothing can give him an idea of what it's really like to be the mom, but any little experience that gives him a taste, well, I appreciate it.

I never full-out felt spiteful of him when I had to breastfeed Connor in the middle of the night or when, unbeknownst to him, he was assuming that I was 'Rad's primary caretaker and he was just my backup. But sometimes you want something to happen so you can say, "See? See what I've had to handle all by myself for (enter amount of time here)?" I really hope that "I told you so" feeling goes away, though. It doesn't seem like a healthy one to harbor, especially when you're talking about caring for your own creation. I think being a first-time mom means dealing with a lot of feelings like that. Ones where you want someone to understand you and commiserate with you in some real sense so you don't feel like such a crazy person. I'm starting to find those people, but I'm pretty sure that I'm still crazy.

The Holidays. Already.

2011-11-10T10:41:00.001-07:00

I am fortunate to be able to stay home with 'Rad today. Our daycare provider is getting married tomorrow, so on Friday Z will hit a new dad milestone: staying home with Connor by himself for the first time. It will be a true boys day with him, Rad-a-dude, and Blue dog ruling the roost. I look forward to hearing how his day goes and how he likes being a stay-at-home dad for a day.

The snow started flying yesterday, and although it didn't stick by our house I am starting to get into the holiday spirit. That's right, the tv is tuned to the Traditional Holiday Music channel, I sang a few Christmas carol's to 'Rad, and am seriously contemplating digging out the Christmas decorations before Z gets home today (Surprise! The holidays spewed all over your living room!). I think he'd enjoy it. I'm not usually so eager to skip over Thanksgiving and I'm still not, but with a baby the holidays are sure to go by even quicker than normal. I didn't think it was possible, but it seems like the older you get, the more reasons there are for time to buzz past you without your knowing. So, I'm trying to really enrobe myself in the holiday spirit before all that's left in front of me are the frigid, uneventful months of January and February.

With the temperatures dropping, we are going to have to confront another new challenge: dressing the baby for the cold weather. It seems like a simple enough task, but I just found myself googling, "how do you dress a baby for the winter?" I've heard that you only want them to have on one layer of clothing when you're strapping them into a car seat. But I just read that you want them in an undershirt, then a long-sleeved shirt and pants, then a one-piece fleece suit, then a hat and mittens. Seriously, I need to stop looking up anything dealing with babies on the internet. It leaves me confused, rarely consoled, and blocks whatever shards of motherly instinct that I might possess. Google, you internet devil you.

'Rad is developing at breakneck speed. In the three days that I've been back at work I feel like he's already changed. For example, he used to abhor tummy time. It was like I was laying him in a bed of hot coals; the moment his soft belly touched his play mat he was crying and screaming, thrashing to be put on his back like a confused turtle. But over the past couple of days tummy time has been enjoyable, and he can even do this:

The dude can lift his head! No more drooling into the play mat and smothering his own face in it (ok, that still happens but not as often now). He is thismuch closer to crawling. Whoa.

He also has a new-found liking for his swing. We tried to put him in it when he was tiny and, again, he abhorred it. But a new day has dawned, my friends, and he enjoys it now.

He's smiling, batting at toys on occasion, cooing, gurgling, and just being generally awesome. Were we all this awesome at one point? And at what point does that awesomeness subside? Hopefully never. I'm still working on trying to be awesome. I should watch 'Rad and learn.

Working on Being a Mom

2011-11-09T20:06:00.002-07:00

I feel like I've just been crowned prom queen (even though I have no idea what that actually feels like); after my post aired on rookiemoms.com, crushedcorn has been cheered on and encouraged by many of you, and this new found mini-stardom has left me flushed and exhilarated. Thank you for reading!

Three days into pumping at work, I've drawn a somewhat uncomfortable comparison between donating sperm and my 15-minute breast milk breaks. Every three hours I grab my little photo album of C-rad, head to one of the changing rooms by the workout facilities at work and lock myself in, only emerging after I've filled a plastic cup with liquid gold. When a guy donates sperm, doesn't he do pretty much the same? After discovering these similarities, I feel like I should take the long way to the changing room as if I'm doing something shameful even though I'm not.

I'm not only getting used to the process of pumping at work, but I'm working on not feeling guilty about it. Why would I feel guilty? If you must know anything about me, know that I feel guilty about most everything. There's really not much more to it than that. I feel guilty about doing things solely for me. Pumping is about C-rad than it is about me, but when I'm the one taking the work breaks, well, hello guilt. That's all part of the mom and person I want to be, though - someone who doesn't feel bad about doing what's right for me and my family.

Now that day three of daycare is under my belt, I can say that I think everything is going to be ok. Although I'd love to spend more waking time with Rad-a-dude during the day, there is a big amount of pressure that's taken off when I have someone reliable watching him in my stead while I'm at work. I feel like that makes me a bad mom since I am essentially ok with not being with my child more. I haven't shed any tears since Monday and that's not to say some might not sneak up on me, but I am working on accepting the fact that I kind of enjoy being at work while my little babe hangs with some new friends. Is that something I should feel bad about? Well, I do and I don't want to.

Here's one thing I don't feel bad about: C-rad is napping and I just finished enjoying a cold can of Bud Light (I would have preferred a bottle of something different, but sometimes you take what you can get!).

Me: A Rookie Mom

2011-11-08T17:42:00.000-07:00

Someone thought I was post-worthy other than me! Check out my guest post on rookie moms! Like it on fb if you're so inclined ;-)

My First Day Back at Work

2011-11-07T18:15:00.002-07:00

My first day back at work post-baby wasn't as difficult as I thought it would be, but that's not to say that it was easy. We dropped Connor off for the first time at daycare and although he was oblivious to how momentous the occasion was, I cried when we got into the car and Z asked me how I was doing. I hadn't been away for him for more than an hour before today. No tears were shed at work though, and I think that taking breastmilk-pumping breaks will help me keep my sanity up until and after I get used to leaving my kid with someone else during the day.

As we drove away from his daycare, I thought about what it would be like to be stay-at-home mom, and I think I truly liked the thought for the first time. During the day I spoke to other moms at work who had fond memories of their mothers being home to take care of them, how that seemed to be the norm and much more doable back then. The bad thing about "back thens" are that they always seem so magical and wonderful, but they're so unreachable and unrepeatable. With so many of my own childhood memories peppering the child-rearing road that lay before me, the "back thens" are sure to keep on rolling in, sending waves of sentimentality crashing over me. I hope I can make 'Rad's childhood memories as great as mine are.

Armed with my little photo album at work, I was able to handle all the questions about how motherhood is and how I am and how I felt dropping my baby boy off at daycare this morning. I quietly sorted through my e-mails (232 e-mails over two months. Not bad, really), got reacquainted with the software that I abandoned abruptly 10 weeks ago, and had a couple of meetings. At the risk of jinxing it all, it was a pretty easy work day. The thing that got me about it was how quiet it was. On maternity leave I usually had the tv or radio on for background noise as I sang and babbled with C-rad. Back in my cubicle all I heard was the clicking of keyboard keys. There was barely even the sound of a phone ringing to break the silence. Connor would have loved it - all of that white noise.

I only texted our daycare provider, Amy, twice during the day to see how my little guy was doing. Both times he was fine (of course), but I needed reassurance. When we picked him up he was just chillin' in Amy's arms, and we put him in the car seat and drove him home with no drama. I kissed him and squished him and had to make sure I didn't break him, I wanted to love on him so much (a total Lenny from "Of Mice and Men" moment), but he was tired. It's so strange to pick him up after a full day of work, take him home with such excitement, and put him down for a nap. But it's nice to be back in the house with my baby nearby, growing and happy. As long as he's close, I'll be all right.

I think we can make this work.

T-Minus 1 Day

2011-11-05T14:11:00.001-06:00

Good-bye Leonard, Sheldon, Howard, and Raj. Until next time Sweet Dee, Dennis, Mac, Frank, and Charlie. And most importantly, I'll miss you, Baby Connor. One more day and we'll go our separate ways during the day to luckily be reunited too many hours later each day. It's comforting to have a daycare provider that I'm comfortable with and who I trust, but she's not me. To prepare myself for the big adjustment, I put together a quick 36-picture album to take with me to work, to carry around in my purse, to have in the car...Basically to have with me at all times in case the need to smile beatifically at that beautiful baby face strikes. I think it's going to hit a lot.

I have to go and enjoy the time that's left before I officially become a working mom. Have a great weekend!

Oh What a Night

2011-11-04T08:04:00.002-06:00

Last night we hit another milestone: our first trip to the emergency room with 'Rad. After his immunizations yesterday he started to develop a fever, and when the thermometer read 102 degrees we called the doctor's office and headed to the ER. (Before I continue, a question for the UW Medical System: Why is your Emergency Department all the way at the back of the medical campus? I think if I had stepped on a rusty nail and headed to your ER, I would have developed gangrene by the time I actually got to the entrance.) As expected, the pediatrician told us that it's common for a fever to spike after shots, but we just needed that reassurance coming from a trained medical professional. They gave him some tylenol and over an hour later he was given the ok and we headed home at 2 a.m. And woke up at 6 a.m. It was all worth it, though. We were able to sleep - albeit for much shorter than we wanted - peacefully and 'Rad woke up as his usual, babylicious self sans fever.

Aside from physically delivering a baby, I didn't realize how much having an infant takes its toll on your body. As I imagine myself back at work in front of the computer in an office chair for eight hours a day, I see myself as Quasimoto - hunched over, my right arm moving in a limited arc (only as much as is needed to mouse through documents and orders on my computer), working in a cave that to others may look like a relatively sunny cubicle. Not to mention that my back has started to twitch where it hasn't twitched before and my left knee is occasionally giving me grief. How old am I? Yeah, I need to work out more. Or at all. But how am I going to fit that into my day? Honestly, I don't know how parents do it but I'm going to figure it out soon!

I'm surprised by how ~~excited~~ ok I am with going to work on Monday. Is there something wrong with me that I consider work a break from child rearing while at the same time mourning that fact that my hours with 'Rad will be woefully cut short each day? If I can give anyone advice from a rookie mom, it's this: Don't read too much on the internet or even listen to too many people regarding what's "normal" about how you should be feeling and what you should be doing with your child. The only thing that's seemed to accomplish with me is to make me paranoid and unsure of my feelings and actions. Is this normal? Is that normal? Really, it's ridiculous to question how you're feeling because it is what it is; you feel how you feel. It's where you go from there that makes you sane, wise, crazy, or just you. I say that, but I'm working hard to put it into practice.

When do you start getting that holiday feeling? It usually takes me until Thanksgiving day or sometimes even later to get that warm fuzziness inside my body, the kind that makes me warm up to everyone and want to strike up congenial conversations while waiting in lines. With 'Rad in the picture, though, I feel that it's important for me to get that feeling sooner. That sounds like a strange need, to rush the feeling of something, but I want his first holiday season to be special not just for him (because what is he really going to remember of it?), but for us as a family with our first child on his first Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's. And it seems like the best way to do that is to get into the holiday spirit sooner than later to make the most of it since the holidays always rush by in such a blur.

An oldie but a goodie: My mom sporting the turkey hat I knitted back in '08

Do you have any holiday traditions? I'm looking forward to creating some of our own and sharing existing ones with Rad-a-dude. It will be fun fitting him into our annual holiday picture!

The 2-Month Check Up

2011-11-03T14:45:00.001-06:00

'Rad had his two-month check up and first round of immunizations today. He's following his growth curve, checking in at 11 lbs 10 oz and 23" long, and he's a happy little clam. Well, he was a happy little clam until he got jabbed in the thighs three times with well-meaning needles. I had to look away when shot #3 was administered because I thought I was going to cry. My crying wouldn't have compared to his, though. You know something hurts when the pain shows on your face before any sound escapes from your mouth. That's where 'Rad was and it's the first time I've seen him in such agony.

The sounds of babies crying in the exam rooms near ours should have been a warning to both of us. Luckily, I had my magic baby soother there - the car seat. When it was all said and done, I set him in, strapped him in, and the exact moment I picked it up and started heading for the hallway he stopped whining and sat quietly while I checked out. I put the car seat down for a second when I was at the front desk and he started crying again so I picked it up and bam, quiet baby came back to play. That kid is like his mom and his dog brother - dangle the prospect of a car ride in front of us and we're immediately soothed.

Play mat time! This one's a little long, but he gives you some gems that make it worthy viewing

Since my maternity leave is dwindling down so quickly, I'm trying to make a point of taking more pictures and video of 'Rad. Watching the video I've taken makes me sad, knowing that so many of those moments will happen while I'm at work and that he won't be two months old for long. While I'd like to think that I'll be fine back at work, I'm fully expecting to have a breakdown, especially knowing that everyone is going to ask how Connor is and how motherhood is and how I feel about being back at work. They may be well-meaning conversation topics, but it feels like they are designed to make me start lactating and crying. I guess you'll have that.

'Rad showing off his fists of power

I Have a 2-Month Old (yay!) and I'm Going Back to Work (boo!)

2011-11-02T11:37:00.002-06:00

This past week was everything I needed and more of what I wanted. It was great. I got to spend some unrushed, quality time with my parents; gained confidence in my ability to take care of 'Rad by myself; got to spend time with my sisters, their kids, and my cousin and his family; and celebrated Connor's baptism with a houseful of friends and family. I was a little anxious about spending more than seven days with my parents, but it ended up being a really relaxing break, and I arrived in Madison last night with my batteries recharged, a fresh perspective, and a new found motivation to make it happen (just like the Mariah Carey song but minus the bad singing). The leaves may be falling and the world may be going dormant, but I'm ready to bring myself back to life.

With Lola Ebs in Plymouth, MI

With Lolo Charlie in Sturgis

Let me put that differently - I'm not trying to bring myself back to life. I'm trying to redefine and recreate myself and a big part of that is facing my fears, one of them being my ability to approach people and not be embarrassed by myself or what I'm pursuing. To that end, I've started selling Avon. It may not seem like my gig, but I'm enjoying it and have made a few ego-boosting sales! I hate to sound surprised, but Avon has some really great stuff, especially for the holidays (hello, great stocking stuffers). If you're interested in taking a look, visit my estore or shoot me a message and I'd be happy to mail you a paper catalog (I always find catalog browsing to be more fun).

I'm not the only one planning on growing; C-rad has started sleeping for 6+ hours at night! It's funny how something that you so want can scare you. The first night he slept for that long I freaked out, thinking that something bad had happened to him and mortified by the thought that he must be starving. The next day after he slept 6+ hours long again, I had to ask my sister if he was ok. Tonight, if we're so lucky again, I'm going to enjoy it before it's stripped from me. There always seem to be steps back before big leaps forward when it comes to a baby's development.

Ready to be one of the big kids

Did I mention that he's smiling now? Well, he is and it's awesome

So, this week is my last week of maternity leave. I'm astonished at how quickly it went, considering how torturous it first was when we brought Connor home. I'll admit that I'm not completely opposed to the idea of going back to work, it's the fact that I'll only have a few waking hours with 'Rad every day that I strongly dislike. As I sit here typing and alternately ooshing over C and his delicious baby belly and babble, I'm grossly understating the reasons why I'm opposed to going back to work next week...I think that every work day for the next couple of weeks is going to feel like a rainy day, and not the kind that you welcome. I'll be drinking a lot of coffee this month and probably using a lot of kleenex. New moms keep the economy runnning!

P.S. I just uploaded some new pictures on flickr (including two shots of him as a raging Batman), so check out my flickr badge to the right for more C-rad, 'Rad, Rad-a-dude, Connor, and Conrado.

A Quick Update

2011-10-24T06:01:00.000-06:00

Just a quick update as I type away at my mom's computer and 'Rad lays on her bed: We are in Michigan for our week away from home. We spent the weekend in Chicago where I hung out with The Crazies (my sister's three kids), got a significant dose of anxiety while I watched four kids for a few hours, and at some unmatchable Thai food. I'm sufficiently terrified of having another kid. But more on that later.

'Rad and I are doing well. It was such a relief to get to my parents' house last night where we could settle in and sleep in our phatty new bedroom (no more basement sleeping for us!). The nerves that I traveled with are pretty much gone and I'm looking forward to our mom and baby week with my mom and dad. And then my sisters. And their kids. And then Z. I love the family-filled, always hectic weekends in Michigan.

Have a great week! You may not hear from me until next week!

Here We Come, Halloween!

2011-10-20T13:36:00.000-06:00

This coming Sunday, C-rad and I will be hitting another new milestone: our first days away from Z. We're heading down to Chicago where my mom will be babysitting for my sister, and from there we'll head to Michigan for the week. I'm looking forward to having all that time with my parents and especially to not being alone all day (as much as I value 'Rad's company, he is just a seven-week old baby). But I'm anxious about being his sole caretaker for that time (my parents are going to be there but Z is always so good about taking care of 'Rad's late-night needs) and about being away from Z for that long. Zach and I aren't the we-do-it-together-or-we-don't-do-it-at-all type of couple, but if we're ever away from each other for more than a couple of days it's usually because one of us is out of the country. I think it will be good for everyone involved, this small separation.

Yesterday I did some oh-so-reassuring internet searching on the personality of the Virgo child. I have to say, it freaked me out a little. I don't completely prescribe to the preachings of the zodiac, but I do believe that there is a grain of truth to them. Hopefully that grain is only the best of what can be said about 'Rad's personality based on his sign. I read my sister the descriptions for her kids and she agreed with what they had to say a little too much for my comfort. Do you put any stock in the zodiac? Are you like your sign?

I have been on the hunt this week for pieces for Connor's Halloween costume and I think we're pretty much there. This is his base layer:

Couple that with black pants and a black hat with ears and you've got 'Rad's official first Halloween 'stume. I'm a little bummed that I won't be around to trick or treat with my nieces and nephews, but Connor's just donning his costume just for show anyway so show off we will!

Speaking of hats with ears, I don't think you can go wrong when you put animal appendages on headgear. They're all the rage and my kid must stay current, so:

Just as Connor goes through his growth spurts and fussy times, I feel like I'm going through periods of thoughtlessness. That's one reason I haven't been posting much lately - I can't come up with anything to talk about. I can't tell you how many times Z will comment on something on TV and I'll look at him blankly and say, "What'd they say?" even though I was watching right along with him. He can even be talking directly to me and I'll be looking at him but not processing a word that's being said. Is this part of mommy brain? Does this have to do with the rewiring of my brain the accompanies becoming a mom? Should I be legitimately worried about being this scatterbrained? Maybe I shouldn't be so worried - being scatterbrained was a preexisting condition.

Baby Stalker on the Rocks

2011-10-18T20:59:00.000-06:00

I've run out of interesting things to say. When in a conversation I find myself repeating familiar words, wondering if I've said this exact same thing to this exact same person or if I can be spared that social blunder. My luck isn't usually that good. So, my list of chat fodder can be boiled down to these three main topics:

Parenting books and advice - take it or leave it?
How fussy/good Connor has been lately
Musings on going back to work

Oh, plus my Facebook profile pictures are always pics of the 'Rad. You just can't take me anywhere these days.

Picking up on topic three, the reality of going back to work is starting to creep in. After this week I'll be heading back home for a week. Then, I'll have one more solid week with 'Rad before - dun dun dunnn - it's back to the daily grind. With daycare like a cherry on top. My gosh, I seriously have run out of interesting things to say because I can't go any further with this! Let's just attribute that to mommy brain.

I am exhibiting some serious stalker-like behavior when it comes to C-rad. After I've put him down for a nap I'll creep up to his bedroom door and peer through the slats in his crib to see if he's sleeping. If he's awake in his crib, I'll sidle up to his crib to watch him gaze at the animals in his mobile. If he's anywhere doing anything I'm watching him carefully, trying to soak up and mentally capture all of his little baby-ness because I can't get over how quickly it will all disappear; before I know it, he'll be a "big kid." At least 50% of the time, though, I'm spying on him and silently willing him to sleep so I can have some me time. And so that he can get all the rest he needs to grow. Come on now, I'm a good mom.

This has nothing to do with stalking, but in honor of Halloween I'm posting it to please your freaky side. I'm pretty freaked out by it

Monday confession: I haven't had any alcohol outside of two beers since giving birth. When I was pregnant I declared with gusto that I would down a Fat Boy Bloody Mary the minute I was no longer consuming food and drink for two. But that statement has made a liar out of me because I'm too worried about making 'Rad sick after drinking one. That, and I don't believe in the whole "pump and dump" mantra for disposing of potentially harmful breast milk since I have drilled into my brain that boob juice is like liquid gold. However, I'm willing to take that statement back for a glass of this most delicious port.

Yes, please

A question for the masses: What is your dream job?

I Love My Baby's Back

2011-10-17T21:42:00.003-06:00

Conrad can be caught in some pretty appealing poses, but pictures of him in his crib are by far my favorite.

I'm not sure what it is, but seeing him stare up at his mobile whether it's moving or not, hearing him coo at the stuffed woodland animals looking down on him, or just seeing him contentedly taking in the world while on his back is enough to make me squeal into the crook of my elbow so as not to disturb him. There's nothing on that kid that I don't want to squish.

Has anyone read or heard of The Attachment Parenting Book? Someone gave it to me when I was pregnant and I just started reading it. I'm interested, but I also feel like I should take it with a grain of salt. I think that's how all parenting advice needs to be taken.

With the weather getting brisker, 'Rad needs to be a little more bundled up when we go outside for our walks. I'm not sure if we're prepared for the weather to get much colder and I'm not sure what it's going to be like when the snow hits the ground, but my little guy needs his time outside. There was a day when we didn't leave the house at all because of rain and he was a fussy, frustrating mess until I took him outside the next day. I'm thankful for that need because it means that I get outside and get some fresh air, too. I never regret a walk because soon enough I'll be contained in an office only able to look outside but not able to be out there enjoying it.

Baby in the Hiz-ouse

2011-10-14T15:49:00.000-06:00

Retail therapy = hellz yeah. After my six-week check-up (all systems are go), I toted C-rad to TJ Maxx. It's been a while since I've been into that bargain mecca, but I made it out with two new onesies, three toys and two chimes (I'm a sucker for any toy that says it's for 0+ months) for $20. Did I go in there intending to purchase a window shade for 'Rad's side of the car and a fall coat? Maybe. But I loves me a good deal! After that we rocked the Walgreens, and I'm not ashamed to say that going there makes me almost as excited as going to TJ (I just love browsing along the makeup wall), especially since their almonds were BOGO. I didn't buy anything for myself except the Thanksgiving edition of Martha Stewart Living, but there's something about leisurely shopping that made me feel better. There truly is a power in shopping.

I've gotten used to living with a higher level of clutter than I ever though possible. I mean, I was a slob to begin with, but we're on a whole different plane now. This clutter exists not because no one has the time or energy to put things away. It's because there is no where else to put these things away to. This is totally a baby's house. I'm not playing around, we all know this house is now his and all about him.

Nowadays, I take pride in making dinner before we're all starving or getting a load of laundry that I put in at 8:00 am done before said dinner is consumed. It sounds so...domestic, but it's all my choice. I've been contemplating how I would feel if I were a stay-at-home mom. Sometimes I think it would be great, and even more so when he's bigger. Other times, I think it would drive me crazy and I would need at least a part-time job to keep my sanity. So, I've come to this conclusion regarding me and being a stay-at-home mom: I would happily be one if I had the money to go out and buy stuff whenever the stress became too much. That's really the American dream, isn't it? And that's why I play the lotto.

'Rad has started to bat at toys dangling in front of him. It's not happening consistently, but when it does it's so exciting and, of course, cute. Yes, I am one of those "my kid is the cutest" type of mothers. At least so far. And at least I don't say it out loud. Heh.

The Beast, Unleashed

2011-10-13T16:00:00.003-06:00

Connor has been a true beastie today. Given that he's taking in four or more more ounces at his feedings and fussing at every waking moment (which is most moments; the dude hasn't napped for more than 30 minutes so far today), my sister and I have determined that he's experiencing a growth spurt (please god, let that be what this is).

My first day at trying out his official schedule has been a complete bust. Besides sticking to the feeding times I had set out (I'm going to blow by his 4:30 feeding since he's finally snoozing. Shhhh!), his naps have been haphazard and shoddy, peppered with crying jags and a blatant refusal to close his eyes and conk out already. At each nap I would change his diaper, tell him it's nap time, lay him in the crib, turn on the mobile and his white noise machine, and back slowly out of the room so as not to wake the sleeping beastie. But, I really had nothing to worry about because he wasn't sleeping. He was playing possum, giving me a false sense of security until I had settled my frustrated ass on the couch just to watch the lights on the baby monitor jump fitfully.

Yeah, I'm awake. What of it?

I may sound spiteful, but I'm not. I'm just tired and want to kid to take a much-needed nap.

In order to give the routine a full day's fighting chance, I didn't load us up and go anywhere today. We didn't even go out for a walk, what with all of the rain that's been washing across the area for the past few days. I'm ok with it, though. I'm feeling lazy, a bit tired, and just not motivated to take the show on the road. Add to that the fact that Zach has class tonight and I think I need to conserve all of my energy to make it through until he comes home to provide me a little bit of relief.

I forgot to mention that since 'Rad has been born, the Lions haven't lost a game! Luckily, unleashing the beast is beneficial to someone. Here are the boys commemorating their most recent victory over the Bears:

And since we're on the topic of animals, here is Connor's impersonation of Simba (with dad's help):

Change in Seasons

2011-10-12T20:09:00.000-06:00

Even though the dark clouds are still hanging out in the sky outside my windows, they've cleared from my mood. What a difference a day (and a walk) can make. It feels so good to get rough emotions out, but there are times when I regret unleashing them too early instead of giving myself a day or even just a few hours to marinate in them. I can't guarantee that I'll ever learn my lesson on that front, so you get to read my down-in-the-dumps thoughts and my it's-gonna-be-all-right ones as well. Aren't you just the luckiest?

Someone once told me that things get better with a newborn once you reach week six and I'll vouch that that's true. Every day isn't perfect and Connor and I still get exasperated with each other, but I know how to respond to him better and I appreciate him more. It's great when he takes a nap not just because it gives me a break (although those nap breaks are awesome!) but because I love watching him sleep, arms splayed out over his head or at his sides, that little pacifier either still between his lips or chugging in and out of his mouth. I don't think I'll ever be a "baby person," but I'm a 100% baby lover for the 'Rad.

In the calm moments, I try to take in how small he is and how he'll never be this small again. And when he's not a baby anymore, I'll never forget how, when he was fussy, I used one foot to bounce him in the bouncy seat while trying to keep milk from spilling on my legs while pumping or how I could never get to sleep until he quieted his piggy noises from the nursery while settling himself in for the night or when he used to fit into the cutest onesies that were this tiny. There will be a lot of moments that I won't capture or fully enjoy until it's too late, so I'm doing my best to minimize the ones that fall into either of those categories. Listen to me, I'm talking like he's already heading off to college. I'm not tearing up while writing this. I swear.

'Rad and I went to our first organized story time today at the library. It was low-key and he seemed to enjoy it even though I kept him up during his nap time to participate. We had some nursery rhymes read to us and acted out with paper cut-outs, sang some songs, and I realized how little I remember of some classic poems (who stumbles over "1, 2, buckle my shoe"?). As alone as I used to and sometimes still feel since having a baby, Connor has made us quite the social pair - I've attended more social gatherings without knowing anyone that I ever have before. My goal: To make sure he isn't as socially awkward as I am. I think we're off to a good start.

Stormy Weather

2011-10-11T18:21:00.001-06:00

It rained today, and although I appreciated the dark clouds, my mood has turned a bit stormy. Before I get into what's eating me, here's a little Connor update:

He's been uber fussy over the past two days and has been refusing to nap in the afternoon. Could it have to do with the fact that I'm now giving him two bottles during the day instead of one? That's the only thing that's changed in our routine. I never know if there's a reason for his moods or if we chalk that one up to him just being a baby
He's started to bat at toys hanging over his head and smiling at them. Exciting stuff, but I'm still waiting for him to smile at me
Riding in the car or stroller no longer lulls him to sleep. This is a good thing and a bad thing
He's gotten into the habit of showing us his poopy face only to retract it seconds later. Watching this flow of facial expressions is like being dangled over a ledge and pulled back onto solid ground after seeing the cars pass by below. Scary
He's still as freakin' cute as ever

So, stormy weather. I think our search for a daycare provider has come to a happy close, but that now seems to be the least of our issues. What will happen to our family and Zach and my individual sanities when he takes on two classes next term (he only has one this term)? It is hard enough right now for him to have time to do his homework and give me my hour of "me" time when he comes home, and it's hard enough for me to try and take care of Conrad and the house all day long without feeling like I should go easy on him because he has such a full plate. We want to be fair to each other, but we also don't want to completely put ourselves out so that we have nothing solid and sincere to give to our family. This gets easier, right?

And money. 'Nuff said.

Finally, as much as I want to be closer to my family the road back to them seems to be getting longer. Today, we tried to take a step down that path and succeeded only in slowing our pace. Did I shed some tears over it? Secretly, yes. Will they be my last until we're finally relocated? Hells no. My mantra until it happens: Come on, Plan A.

Completely off topic, I'm totally getting into The Big Bang Theory. Hi-larious. Where have I been since this show's be on? Oh Sheldon and Leonard, you are a delight.

New Kid on the Block

2011-10-09T15:48:00.000-06:00

Our neighbors across the street just had a baby last Wednesday. It's funny how quickly you can feel like an old pro while still shedding newbie tears and experiencing rookie anxiety. Their little guy was just a couple of ounces bigger than Connor when he was born and already our guy looks like the big kid. C-Rad is six weeks old today and since we brought him home we've all made huge strides in adjusting to each other, our new routines, and ourselves. Although, there is much work left to be done on all fronts. But each week gets better, less anxiety-ridden, and more fun.

Speaking of fun, I'm having so much of it making curtains! My enthusiasm is lame to me; at this point all I've done is iron, put down no-sew tape, and iron again (in that order). Maybe it's the prospect of the finished product that has me so enthralled or the fact that I'm saving so much money by making them instead of buying them. I haven't finished any of the panels yet, but they're all 75% complete and having them displayed is going to be 100% exciting. I've been so jazzed about making curtains that yesterday we hit up Jo-Ann Fabrics again (have I mentioned how much I love that place? Plus, they always have 50% off coupons. Hello!) so I could get fabric to make kitchen curtains. The woven winner? Bam:

Yesterday we were overachievers: I finally got a nursing bra that can carry my goods and we attended a babywearing class (thanks again, Happy Bambino!), I fed Connor from a bottle in public for the first time, and we managed to keep our grocery bill under $100 (gasp!). I say all that proudly because it means that our Sunday can be a true Sunday, peppered with a little sleeping in,

football, a nice long walk, and a special weekend task. For me, it's trying out this recipe for Mom's Apple Squares that are increasing their deliciousness in the oven right now. For Z, it's doing stuff in the garage. What a guy. I mean that in a good way!

Connor has really taken a liking to the mobile that until a few days ago acted as nothing more than crib swag. I'm not sure why putting him in his crib awake and letting the dangling animals mesmerize him is such a novel idea to me. I've just been so focused on being in his face - reading to him, talking to him, jingling various stuffed toys in his direction - or being completely out of it - letting him sit in his bouncy seat and stare out the window or hang out on the couch and watch the shadows move along the wall - that having him awake and entertained by toys seemed like a completely new concept. It's one that I'm grateful for now.

While we're on the subject of the 'Rad-a-dude, he downed 5 oz of milk at his last feeding last night (and slept for six hours. What what!) and did it again around lunchtime today! To give you a point of reference, he typically only takes 2.5 oz at each bottle feeding. I was hesitant to keep feeding him, but his frantic crying and flailing pretty much made the decision for me. The next most impressive thing is that he kept it all down with the exception of a few burp-ups here and there. The kid is a beast.

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

2011-10-07T16:40:00.000-06:00

I love my new blog background because it reminds me of candy corn, and candy corn reminds me of Halloween, one of my most favorite of holidays. The 70-80 degree weather makes it feel like it's anything but time for fall celebrations, but the leaves are changing color and I am gearing up for glasses of red wine, cozy sweaters, pumpkin carving, and Halloween.

When the seasons change, I feel like I'm more aware of the other changes that are going on around me. At least, on our daily walks I've been noticing changes that are happening in our neighborhood. Our walks were always pretty quiet save the sound made by the passing cars and lingering birds. But lately, if we're lucky, we catch the woman at the bottom of the hill in the middle of her flute practice. What could be more serene than practicing your instrument of choice in the middle of the day in a gazebo overlooking a peaceful lake while fall leaves flutter down around you? I feel like that could be some sort of deep metaphor - feel free to apply whatever meaning to it that you see fit.

Tonight we're going to meet with a potential daycare provider and my fingers are crossed that she'll be THE one. This topic needs no more discussion, but I feel the need to expound on it. Finding the right person has been a huge stressor since our previous daycare arrangement fell through. Finding the right person in combination with the right price has been so far impossible. I don't know how parents do it, but I take comfort in the fact that they do. If everyone else can do it, what makes me any different?

Have a great weekend!

Milestones and Mealtime

2011-10-05T14:08:00.000-06:00

Babies seem to hit milestones left and right - so many things are firsts. For example Monday was the first night that Connor slept in his own crib and not in our room.

But when you grow up, the milestones seem few and far between. Since my 30th birthday has come and gone, I'm not sure if I have any milestones to anticipate within the next few years. Well then, I guess it's up to me to create my own milestones. I love watching Connor approach and pass his own, but it's important that I have milestones that don't involve anyone but myself. To that end, I've joined the Day Zero Project. Admittedly, it's taken me more than a week to come up with just 45 things for my list, but 1001 days is a long time and 101 is a big number so I have time to evolve with and think up what milestones I want to set for myself. There's something liberating about creating your own milestones instead of going by some preset list of 'stones.

I popped into Jo-Ann fabrics yesterday and I gotta tell you, I didn't realize how much I missed crafting until then. I wouldn't call myself a "crafter," but I like to knit up the occasional scarf or hat and when necessary I enjoy making birthday cards instead of purchasing them. When I walked into that crafty mecca though, I suddenly felt invigorated and inspired which was in keeping with the spirit of what brought me there in the first place - to create some invigorating and inspiring curtains for Connor's room. Ok, so invigorating might not fit the bill, but you know what I mean.

I left the store with plans to return for future projects and with four panels of this fun fabric:

Thanks to these easy instructions, I hope to have two full sets of curtains whipped up sans sewing machine within the next week.

Actually, I might want to give myself more than a week's time to complete them because 'Rad has been an insatiable beast this week. I give him a 2.5 oz bottle at one feeding in the afternoon and he feels the need to drain almost both boobs on top of that. Seriously, kid? The last few hours leading up to bedtime last night were essentially a feeding marathon, with me putting him to the teat at least every hour. It's hard to handle a fussing baby not just because he's fussing, but because I can never be sure if he's fussing for a legit reason or if just because he's a baby and that's his M.O. I know this is nothing new to anyone who's not a rookie mom, but it's a real mystery to me.

So Delicious

2011-10-03T14:52:00.000-06:00

Weekends are intrinsically good (who isn't happy for two days free of work?), and this was one of the best. Saturday was a good day at home, visiting with friends, marking some things off of the To-Do list, and going to a co-worker's house for the Wisconsin/Nebraska game. But Sunday was the real icing on the cake.

We drove across the border to Illinois and met my sister and her family at Edwards Orchard. The place is awesome. Great apple picking, a play area for the kids, a small barn with livestock carrying musician-inspired monikers (Swineman and Garfunkle were two of the pigs there), and incredible, fresh apple-cider donuts (of which I've eaten 3 in the past 24 hours) are just some of the things they have to offer. We left with the kiss of the sun on our faces and tummies happily filled with cider, apple pie, and fudge and brought the same home with us in the trunk of the car. But those aren't the only reasons yesterday was great (that and the fact that we fit a little shopping in as well. Whoot! Whoot!); it was so perfect because we spent time together as a family outside of the house, not just grocery shopping or stalking the aisles at Wal-Mart. I think that's what's been missing from our weekend routine - some quality family time. It definitely gave me a boost.

Unfortunately, all weekends must come to an end. To make the day after more bearable I did a little photo shoot with Connor. Today's pictures look markedly different from those that I took days after I brought him home from the hospital - his face has gotten a lot more expressive and he's lost a bit of hair, leaving him with what Z calls a George Costanza-esque hairline. Here's a sampling of the pics so you can decide for yourself if you agree with him or not:

I'm feeling good and positive today. I've entered week 6 of my maternity leave and am not feeling all the anxiety that I once did. Instead, it's about planning out our days (an outing here, a walk there) so that both of us are stimulated and entertained. I am staring to savor all those little moments that everyone warns you you'll miss - the way he curls up on my chest when he's tired, his little baby coos - instead of focusing on the frustration that comes when he fusses, cries, and makes his little piggy noises while sleeping that keep us awake at night. It's tiring to hear people talk about how quickly time goes by when you have a baby, especially when you're sleep-deprived and the last week has felt like a month, but when I think about the fact that I have a five-month old I realize how right they are. Time does go by quickly, and that thought is comforting and frightening at the same time.

It May be Cliche, but TGIF

2011-09-30T16:09:00.003-06:00

Along with everyone in the professional world, I've been reciting "TGIF" in my head all day. TGIF because that means Z will be home with us for two days, because there will be some good football watching in the next few days, and because we will be hitting up this quintessential fall stop on Sunday. I've not been to Edwards Orchard, but you can't tell me that apple picking, cider and donuts doesn't just scream autumn. I love it - getting the heck outta dodge for the morning, seeing family, and having some fresh cider is just what the doctor ordered.

I've been thinking a lot about "dodge" and how it seems like it's a world away from my family in Michigan. I've been having a hard transition into motherhood; everything in the hospital after we had Connor was so wonderful and we were so well taken care of. Then, we were suddenly released into the wild like domesticated cats and told that we need to fend for ourselves without any training and with our support system states away. I read this article today and could only imagine how wonderful and different my postpartum time would have been/could be if any of these conventions were in place. New momhood is especially difficult around here seeing as everyone, and I mean everyone, has family nearby. I think Wisconsin's motto should be "Wisconsin: If you were born here you'll never leave." Am I jealous of these people? You bet your ass I am.

Z is on his way home, so I'm going to cut this post short. Have a great weekend!

Thank You, Mr. Postman (it's really a Ms. Postwoman, but that doesn't have the same ring to it)

2011-09-29T15:47:00.002-06:00

Today was a very exciting mail day. Not only did we receive the first disc of Dexter Season 5, but I also got my Rookie Moms book! It's a cute little handbook that I will likely throw in my handbag as a source of strength and a few giggles to get me through the tough days. One great suggestion for the first month is to create a "Did Do" list as opposed as a "To Do" one. I love this idea because it really gives me a point of reference when Z asks me what I did with my day. This is my "Did Do" list so far today (not in chronological order):

Went to the mall with Connor
Took the boys ('Rad and Blue) for a walk, only to turn around literally two minutes later because of rain
Emptied and reloaded the dishwasher
Reorganized some kitchen cabinets
Pumped twice
Reserved our spots in next month's baptism preparation class
Washed my face and put on makeup
Changed three diapers between the hours of 7:30 and 8:30 a.m.

It might not seem like much, but I feel pretty accomplished for today when it's put in pixels. Without a daily schedule, I find that I've become a serious couch potato, surrounded by screens (tv and computer), baby stuff, and books. Yes, I know I'm taking care of a new human being and should cut myself some slack, but I need to feel that I've done more than nursed, initiated tummy time, and danced around with a 9 lb baby in my arms; I need to feel that I've done things that I would have done in my pre-baby life to gain that sense of normalcy. It is a process.

What's on your "Did Do" list for today?

I decided yesterday that I would expose 'Rad to a different type of music each day. Thanks to the music channels on TV, yesterday was Light Classical day. Today I thought we would give the Swing music channel a chance. This was his reaction to it:

Note to self: 'Rad is not a fan of the Glenn Miller Orchestra or Count Basie.

It's All Relative

2011-09-28T20:11:00.000-06:00

Besides freaking out over if I'm spending too much or not enough time coddling and cooing over 'Rad and worrying if I'm talking too much or not enough to him, I think we've gotten ourselves into a pretty decent groove. As much of a groove as you can get into with a one-month old, anyway. We take our walk every morning with Blue then load up in the car for the day's excursion, which can be anything from going to the library to play group. The fear of him melting down when we're out has become manageable and besides the anxiety I get when thinking about breastfeeding in public, I'm gaining confidence in taking him out by myself. If only there were more places for us to go...

I love watching him sleep. I also watch him to make sure he's still breathing. Awwww, don't freak out (sung to the tune of "Le Freak" by Chic)!

While Connor and I have had a lot of time to start figuring each other out, Z hasn't had the luxury since heading back to work full time and attending school on top of that. There are a lot of new connections that need to be made since our family has been reconfigured - me:Connor, Z:Connor, me (as a mom/wife):Z (as a dad/hubby), and me:Z:Connor - and not much spare time and energy to form all of them. I'm looking forward to fostering the new connections, but it's the alteration to the original one (me:Z) that makes me anxious. Everything was so perfect between Z and I before Connor came along. I'm not saying that Connor has ruined anything, but he has changed everything and I wonder what things between Z and I will look like after we've reformed our relationship as hubby and wife, mom and dad. I'm sure it will look wonderful and strong, but I'm not sure what exact shape it will reemerge in.

I've been thinking about relationships a lot because I feel that many of the ones I have have been changing since C-rad entered the world:

My relationship to where we live has changed. I used to be in love with this area. Now I just see it as distance between us and the rest of my family.
My relationship to Z has changed. See above.
My relationship to my family has changed. I now feel like I've joined the motherhood club, and as a new member am now privy to more and longer phone conversations with everyone in my family regarding all things motherhood and child rearing.
My relationship to Blue dog has changed. I love you buddy, but you are now child number 2, no longer number 1.
My relationship to my hometown has changed. I see it as a kind of promised land now, a safe place harboring my parents, friends, and many of the people I love and miss.

Yes I'm 30, but I'm saying this: I want my mommy.

I still can't believe I'm this guy's mommy

The One-Month Mark

2011-09-26T08:01:00.003-06:00

Now that 'Rad has reached the one-month mark, my mind is consumed with the idea of putting him on a schedule. It's something I think it important for both of us. For him so that there is some structure to his day and a predictable pattern of what to expect next. For me so that there is some structure to my day that I can work with and around. Is he old enough to be put on a schedule? Does he have a natural schedule that I can play with to create a more structured one? Do I even know how this schedule should work and how strict I want to be with it? The only answer I have for those questions is a hearty shrug of the shoulders and a needy glance to anyone who has any suggestions.

As much as I've promised myself that I wouldn't turn to the internet for help, I have. I'm like an addict who says that I'll only do it one more time, only to be searching babycenter.com for more help on the next question that pops into mind minutes later. Just one more search! Wait, just this last question! I keep telling myself that I'm going to parent the way I see fit, the way the fits my personality best. Problem is, I never anticipated how much of an unknown my personality would become to me after having a baby. I don't feel like I don't know myself, I just don't know the parts of me that are now being called on since entering momdom. So I continue to query all of my family, friends, and the internet about questions like the one above, just to forget the advice I've been provided so that ultimately it is up to me to make my mind up about how I'm going to work this whole child-rearing thing. And I'm starting with a schedule. Did you put your child on one? What was it like? How strict was it?

Besides structuring our day around a schedule, I've started planning our days around this wonderful list and am looking forward to getting this book in the mail:

Thanks to the Rookie Moms, Connor and I mustered the strength to attend our first play group last Friday. It was so great and offered an incredible sense of community. Plus, it marked the first time I breastfed in public! Sure, I used one of the Boppy pillows they had, but I whipped it out right in the room, boosted by the fact that no one else seemed to be shy about it. It's very unlike me to attend a social event like that without knowing anyone, but it seems like when you're a new mom you're always put into that position, and why hide out in the house for 10 weeks because of it? Plus, I think about that fact that I'm now on week 5 of maternity leave and I feel that the rest of my time at home with Connor is going to fly by.

I have mixed feelings about that. Part of me is sad that I'll soon return to the working world and will only have a few precious hours at the end of the day to spend with my little guy. Another part of me is excited to get back out there, to contribute to our finances and have a purpose outside of the home and my own schedule to follow. There are big chunks of the day where I feel like a waste of space. When I'm not feeding Conrad or if I'm tired of entertaining him, I think of how I could be out there earning some extra dough to cover all of the looming expenses having a child brings. It's strange to have a baby when you describe yourself as not being a "baby person." That doesn't mean I love my boy any less, but I am more excited for the days when he can give me a little more back - a smile, a giggle, or a word. I don't feel bad about that. It's one thing I knew about myself before having Connor that hasn't changed. I love the poop out of him even if he is essentially an eating, peeing caterpillar right now.

Our kids - big brother keeping and eye on little bro

2011-09-22T18:06:00.000-06:00

I'm not sure why baby clothing is sized 0-3 months because I'm pretty sure that babies at zero months of age are not at all similar in size of those at three months of age. Then again, the cheapskate in me is thankful that one piece of clothing is meant to last for three months of life. I am trying to enjoy all the time I spend with my newborn little dude, but I can't wait for him to start wearing his 3-6 month clothes; the kid is set up with a decent wardrobe when he moves up to the next size. In the meantime, I'll continue to wash the same small load of laundry because, well, did I mention that I'm a cheapskate?

It's ironic that while Z was on paternity leave, I didn't pay much attention to my post-partum weight. Sure I felt, as Tony Horton says, "A little loose around the cage," but I just had a baby. Now that Z has returned to work, however, and I spend the day having one-sided conversations with a dog and a newborn, I've began to feel my weight a little more. I've began to feel the lack of support that my nursing bras provide under my wardrobe, how jiggly my middle now is, and how unkempt and uncared for my hair is. Today I tried on my pre-pregnancy jeans. It wasn't a tear-inducing event, but my chicken drummies are filling in my pant legs a little bit more than they used to. And to continue with the edible metaphors, I am muffin-topping a little bit, too.

The two faces of Conrad:

Sleeping

and awake

I was always active before Connor came along and I think it's time for me to get back at it. This morning we took an extra long walk and this afternoon I attempted to do a little yoga but only got 15 minutes into it before the beastie awoke. I'm not ready for a jog or anything too vigorous, but I'd like to not feel so lazy, considering how much time I spend on the couch. Maybe I'll sign up for a fun run/walk to give me extra motivation. Maybe I can even get Z to sign up with me since his exercise routine has also been thrown to the wayside with 'Rad's arrival. Really, what routine hasn't?

Day 2: Connor-and-Me Time

2011-09-20T17:16:00.001-06:00

Our trip to Michigan last week was wonderful, awesome, and much needed. Not only was it great because we got to spend quality time with our families and introduce Connor to almost all of his aunts, uncles, and his great-grandparents, but also because we were there for about four days. No fly-by-night visit where we arrive at midnight on Friday only to turn around and head back at noon on Sunday. Of course, since we said good-bye to two sets of parents on Sunday, the waterworks flowed twice that day.

Baby in a hammock at my parents' house last week

Usually, the more often you do something the easier it gets, but the inverse is true for me when saying sayonara to family. The term "heartstrings" has taken on a physical meaning for me because every time we pull out of my parents' driveway I feel like my heart starts to unravel, as if it's anchored at Cottage Street and I'm undoing it by jumping on the toll road and riding back up to Madtown. Zach marvels at how true this sentiment is, but it does seem that all roads lead home. I just hope we can travel that road soon and just once more without having to take it back away from home again. We're still plugging away at Plan B, but if Plan A worked out sooner and first that would be beyond awesome.

Yesterday was my first day home alone with Connor. Z headed back to work and life as usual but with a huge new spin and I spent most of the day on the couch, venturing out on the porch once to give Connor his dose of vitamin D. I contemplated strollering him around the neighborhood, I thought about putting out something other than my pajamas, and I considered making myself breakfast, but yesterday I was more of a dreamer than a doer. Besides feeding and entertaining Connor in his waking hours, I consumed processed calories and an unhealthy dose of daytime tv, fully feeling my new role as at at-home mom for the next several weeks. It probably sounds miserable, but I was ok with it. I knew that I wanted to take it easy on myself and not get overly ambitious and I achieved that.

Zach soothing the savage beast last night

Today, day 2 of Connor-and-me time, was even better. We did the "weave" route around the neighborhood - which highlighted how out of shape I am - in the morning and headed to the doctor's office for his check-up before noon (clean bill of health and growing wonderfully!). Then, as he napped after we got home, I played frisbee with Blue in the back yard and made some calls to nail down a daycare provider (still working on it). A picked up bits and pieces around the house and now am just waiting to put dinner in the oven and for Z to get back from class. It's been a successful day so far and I think things will just get better from here on out. I'm sure I'll still have my days, but I like feeling like I can adjust to this new version of what is now normal for us.

The new normal for Blue - baby on board

2011-09-13T17:18:00.000-06:00

Connor has been awake much more lately than when we first brought him home. It's true that things change quickly; when we first brought him home I was worried that he wasn't awake enough. Now, I pray for those moments when he's content by himself in his rocker seat so I can step away and do an errand or go to a different room without worrying about him. Initially, I was waking him every 3 hours to feed. But, on the advice of a good friend and in the interest of seeing where his natural sleep cycles take him, we've decided to let him sleep when he wants and feed when he wants. No more of this waking of the beastie to shove a nipple in his drowsy mouth while he fights and fidgets as he's waking up. It seems to make so much sense when it's written down, and hopefully it will work better for everyone this way. It's funny how letting someone be seems like a revelation when it's all that I ask of the world for myself.

Zach and I are heading back to Michigan tomorrow and I can't wait. We've been tied to Wisconsin soil since the beginning of August and for us, more than a month without a trip out of state is a long time. I'm looking forward to seeing my family and spending time with them, even though I know that when we leave I'll be a slobbering, sobbing mess, grabbing at the grass as I'm dragged back to Wisconsin. Not only will we be leaving our families come Sunday, Zach will be heading back to work the next day. The thought makes me a little teary. Go ahead, call me a wimp. I can handle it.

I wish he never had to go back to work and that we could just focus on becoming a family and raising our boy without the distractions of work and money making. I realize that this isn't a unique wish. Sometimes I feel like Peter from Office Space; I often think that if I could do anything in the world, I would do nothing and be completely happy with it. I'm not lazy or unmotivated. In fact, I can proudly say that I work my tail off when I'm working, but I find the most joy in various things outside of work and have yet to find a job that I can see myself becoming a "lifer" in. I realize that this isn't a unique feeling, either. I, of course, will continue on with my job once my maternity leave is over and adjust to life anew.

So far, I can say that motherhood, new motherhood, is still a strange, unfamiliar feeling. Sure sure, Connor is only 14 days old, but you get so immersed in parenthood from day one that you'd expect to feel comfortable with it relatively soon. But I realize that it's an ever-evolving state. Parenthood is never the same thing from one day to the other since your child is always changing. It's that instability that I need to adjust to. I like things organized, I like to be prepared and to have my research done beforehand, but I think I'm going to have to learn to fly by the seat of my pants a little bit more. I have a feeling there are going to be PLENTY of other things that I'm going to have to learn.

Zzz...

2011-09-11T19:43:00.002-06:00

8:30 p.m. has started to feel like midnight. Or later. Oh little Connor, please go to sleep and be nice to your mama and papa tonight. And can I put in the same order for every night from this point on? Thanks. Love you!

2011-09-09T18:39:00.001-06:00

It has been a busy few weeks! For starters, I gave birth to our little boy, Conrado Ramone, on August 28 at 1:22 p.m.

I'm happy to report that the labor was relatively routine - we headed to the hospital at around 3 a.m. on Sunday morning and I started pushing a little before noon - and since his arrival nothing has been the same. Z and I are completely in love, but we are also exhausted and on a serious roller coaster ride. If you've ever been skeptical, I can assure you that there is such a thing as love at first sight. But hormones can also cause you to be irritable and frustrated at the same time. I didn't use the hormone defense too much when I was pregnant, but I'm calling on it now.

I now understand why there are so many movies and tv shows about parenthood and taking care of babies. It is comical and extremely difficult, and I've learned that in 12 short days. Right now the difficulties are what I notice the most, but I also have to laugh when I change Connor's diaper and find that he's just peed himself because my fingers dipped into a puddle pooled at the bottom of his changing pad. We're still working on our night schedule, which makes me anxious when the sun goes down. But he's a newborn and as we've been told and as we've learned, we're at his mercy for at least a few more weeks until everyone's established their routine.

Routines are a funny thing when you've just had a newborn because your old one goes out the window when the baby is born, then you adjust to the new boss and his/her schedule while on maternity leave, all the while knowing that you'll have to readjust to yet a new routine, one that involves work and baby, not just one or the other like it was before. It sucks, actually. I already feel the anxiety of being home alone setting in. I'm not worried about being able to take care of Connor. What I'm worried about is feeling and being alone for so long. I want to live closer to my family now more than ever. For having a whole new human being at home, I didn't ever think being a new mom would involve feeling so isolated.

I'm taking things one day at a time. And how thankful am I that I don't have to make this journey by myself? Z and I will make it through these first tough months. I know they're completely worth it, but damn are they hard. I'm not usually such a wuss about things, especially after 12 days. Everyone tells me that it gets easier, which it must or else I couldn't imagine people would have more than 1 child. But that is little comfort when I already feel so confused and uncertain. Let me revise the first sentence of this paragraph: I'm trying to take things one day at a time. It's much easier said than done.

Weekends - The Shortest Days of the Week

2011-08-21T17:06:00.015-06:00

I know it's cliche to say that weekends go by so fast, but they do! No matter how much you pack into them and how accomplished you may feel when you fall on the couch on Sunday night, there's always a feeling that not only do you want another day off, but that you could have benefitted from it. And by saying "you" I also mean "me."

Weekends don't only mean time off to work on the nursery and the myriad other things that have been pushed aside during the week, but it also means that we're another week closer to having Jooner in our arms and home and not just cradled in my torpedo-like belly. But he didn't arrive this week, so I am happy to say that I at least have a feeling of accomplishment to rest on as our Sunday dwindles away.

The nursery was officially completed this weekend! Although we don't have everything moved in, and sure, there are some little details to attend to, the room is in a state where we can move things in and feel a sense of permanency about it. Zach caulked the trim and set up the crib, so we thought it fitting to put our first bit of wall decor up - a great hanging name tag made for my last baby shower.

This week we'll be moving the dresser/changing table into the nursery once the paint has completely dried. We went out today and got a changing pad, another box of newborn diapers, and an extra pack of baby wipes, so we are armed and ready for the slew of wet and poopy diapers to come our way.

The dresser was given to us by friends, and we decided to paint it a bold color to match with Jooner's wall decor and to give the room a more boyish feel. It's been sitting in our garage since last winter and has been used mainly as a workbench until recently. Here are the finished drawers and Z taping off the dresser to prepare it for two coats of primer and two coats of paint:

As of this morning it's fully painted, but I want it to be dried and assembled before I unveil it to you. I love putting you in suspense. Muahaha.

Right now Zach is working on installing the base of the car seat in the car. It's been a weekend-long process since I cleaned the car yesterday, but he had to take out the backseat today to get rid of the real grime in there. We're talking previous-owner-of-the-car grime. Actually, we're talking piles-of-hair-from-the-dog-of-the-previous-owner grime. It seemed a relatively painless and not too abhorrent process though, so now the base is about ready to go in.

This is some seriously life-changing, mind-blowing stuff. So much so that I'm having a hard time processing what it really means in terms of how different our lives will be in a couple of weeks (or maybe, hopefully, less!). I mean, I just did my first load of baby laundry and although the process is the same as for any other load of laundry, I'm washing tiny onesies and sleep sacs and swaddlers and receiving blankets. This is not stuff any current residents in this house are going to use; they're for a completely new and different human being. I think my vocabulary has been shrunk by pregnancy because all I can think to say is "Crazy!" every time I think of Jooner out of my belly and living with us. If that's all I can say now, who knows how mute I'll be when he's actually here. Any day now...

More Musings on Baby and Being Pregnant

2011-08-12T18:49:00.008-06:00

One of my co-workers had her baby today. It was a scheduled c-section, so there was no frantic phone calling or labor pains at the office, but I've been thinking about her a lot today. Even though for her it's child number four (the best number in my opinion), I wonder what kind of awe she's feeling at finally having her baby in her arms, at seeing his face and no longer being able to feel him moving around inside her. At any moment now I'm waiting for that to be me.

It's funny to think of when my sisters were pregnant and they were going through these same feelings and how despondent I was. I wasn't anywhere near being ready to have a baby at that time, and I've never been an all-I've-ever-wanted-was-to-be-a-mom type of person. So, I couldn't fathom what they were going through nor did I take the time to imagine what it was like in their shoes. And now here I am, expecting everyone to be as excited as I am about the whole ordeal. That's the great thing about sisters though, they are excited for me and just like after I got married, I feel that this is one playing field that will soon be leveled. Growing up is so strange.

As I approach week 37 I'm still feeling good, trying to eat more fat so my boy can get what he needs. I've found that getting into and out of the car is a little more laborious than it used to be, and reaching for anything on the ground definitely involves thought before action is taken. And you don't want to know about my toenails (but I'm going to tell you about them anyway) - the last time I tried groom them there was a lot of rolling around on the couch and grunting involved, and that was weeks ago! I should take care of them now, though. I have a feeling that the next time I'm going to be able to comfortably reach my toes, I won't have the energy to do more than drool on them.

Countdown to the Countdown

2011-08-09T20:17:00.011-06:00

I had my last ultrasound yesterday and our little guy is running steady at the 63rd percentile. I have to say, I'm thankful at this point that he's about average because I was worried about having to push out a huge noggin. I'm just sayin'. With that said, as of yesterday he was 6 pounds 0 ounces and head down, presumably getting ready for blast off. This week's baby update said that he'll be gaining about one ounce a day, so at that rate we'll have a nearly 8-pound baby on our hands if he goes the full 40 weeks.

In the ultrasound I got to see some of his baby fat rolls, I caught him practicing breathing, and the ultrasonographer pointed out that he was making fish lips and practicing suckling. It would be so like a part-Orca baby to be practicing eating before it's even born.

As of next Tuesday, I'll be full term (I just read that full term is anywhere from 37 to 42 weeks and here I am touting that knowledge like a pro). Am I ready? I guess as much as I can be. Is Z ready? As much as he can be. Is the dog ready? I'm guess not, because his world is going to be rocked. Is the house ready? Steadily getting there. It's funny when people ask me if I'm ready because I'm pretty sure they all know the answer, that being that you can't be ready, really. Right? How can you be ready for a new life to suddenly come into yours and basically take it over for a while? We're not installing a new bookcase, we're having a baby. Nuts!

Although now is when Jooner is supposed to be packing on the poundage, I still haven't found myself the victim of any bizarre cravings. I'd have to say that I haven't had any cravings at all, really. Ok, except for the craving that I've been having for KFC for the past few days. But that craving ebbs and flows even when I'm not preggo. And I have to say, I didn't realize it until now just exactly how preggo I look:

Blam! Did you see that coming? I've definitely got the pregnant lady walk going - leading with the hips with the belly hovering in front like some lateral shark's fin. Jooner's there, lurking, just waiting for him moment to break the surface!

My Big Saturday

2011-08-06T18:17:00.016-06:00

I've been so stressed at work this week. Feeling overwhelmed, overworked, and misunderstood has taken the focus off of Jooner and my life and put it on just those eight hours when I'm parked in an office chair, being pounded by the anxiety brought on by a ringing phone and a steady influx of e-mails. What does it mean to be an "office person"? I hear so many people say they aren't one, but who really is? It seems such an unnatural state of being.

But whatever happened this week doesn't matter now. I'm not there and it's the weekend and Z and I kicked some serious boo-tay today. Key Scrubs-like self-narration:

Our day began before 8 o'clock, when Z headed out the door for a game of frisbee golf and my grumbling stomach pulled me out of bed for a bowl of Cheerios. With nothing on tv, I ate my cereal with the dog staring at me, a standing fan blowing a stream of warm air in my face, and the radio playing today's most disappointing hits.

I actually had enough gumption to get some housework done, so even though the load I threw in the washer this morning has been sitting in the dryer since this afternoon, I at least had enough motivation to put those sheets and towels in the washer after breakfast and tidy the kitchen up a bit.

After Z got home, we really got things rolling. We:

Went to the bank
Set our carpet installation appointment
Got some snacks (thank you to the chocolate-glazed cream-filled donut I got from BP for giving me the energy to power through till lunch)
Opened an account at a different bank
Got gas
Went to the west side and hit up Toys r' Us. I am now the excited (I'm not being sarcastic, I'm actually excited about this thing) owner of a breast pump and various accessories
Went to the mall to get a book where I was faced with the unhappy realization that there was nowhere in the mall to buy a book
Went to Jimmy John's for lunch
Went to Barnes & Nobles. Success!
Went to Super Wal-Mart
Hit up the grocery store
Came home and crashed

It's funny how getting a lot done can give you the motivation and energy to do more. Sure, I took a nap after the groceries got put away, but tomorrow promises to bring more ass-kicking. AND, we're going to tour the birthing suites where Jooner will be born tomorrow. Exciting stuff, people!